A story about time, faith, and love
Green grass partitioned the walkway and the asphalt road. Spread next to it, white, clean, beautifully paved cement. The Boulevard stretched down Green Hill, all the way into Abba’s workplace. Jacaranda’s filled the skies and their blossoms on the ground. Springtime, they called it. I’m not sure why though. We haven’t felt spring in a long time.
I stopped and took a deep breath. I was at the crest of the hill by now. This was where it took place. The same place where it was made: the decision which ruined our lives. I wanted to run away from this Earth, from this world, from this dreadful...life, I suppose you could call it. Life. What a funny word. Tossed between people like it’s a ball, quoted by people who have never experienced it. Money? I chuckled. Is that it? Is that the meaning of life? If it were so, we would have died by now.
I continued down the hill, my toes slipping into the front of my shoes. They were a birthday present I got 2 years ago. Twenty-five dollars, they were. I still can’t imagine how much work my parents would have to do to buy me these. We barely spend twenty-five dollars in a week, let alone some shoes. Yet my parents were still happy. How does one work days, tirelessly, just to see someone’s smile? Work long hours, not for food or water, but for someone’s happiness? I slowed my pace down, as I neared home.
Our home was on The Boulevard. A tiny, tiny, townhouse was where all our memories were made. Ever since I was born, this was my home. We were going to move, but then the complications came up. And we then couldn’t. Thank God that we paid the loan of this house before the decision. I knocked on the door and after a while, my father opened the door.
“Hey boy!” He shot me finger guns. “How was school?” He was always smiling. If you ever saw him without one, he was either on the phone with the bank or was really tired. Even then he could crack one.
“Same as usual, Abba.” I had no social life. At breaks, I just sat aside from everyone. At least it was my final year. Looking back, I’m just thinking of how I survived so many years of school without any real friends.
“Ahh, that’s ok.” He said, consoling me. He knew everything. He knew I didn’t fit in. He knew I was different. Math and English just aren’t my thing. Science - now I was interested in that. What was out there? Out beyond the stars? Kids laughed at me. ‘There’s no such thing as aliens,’ they would say. ‘You’re a nerd, you know that right?’
Abba must've noticed my lack of concentration. “You hungry?” he asked.
“No, not really.” I hid away the truth. I didn’t want my dad to feel obliged to feed me. We didn’t have much food. Breakfast and dinner were usually bread. Bread with a little something he would make. Sometimes a tomato purée, which was to die for. Sometimes just butter. Some dinners are silent. No Ma, no brother or sister. Just me and him. Quietly eating our dinner.
*****
I walked up the stairs, plopped my bag on the floor of my room, and started changing my clothes. When are we going to repay it? It had been years, but the loan was just too big. I didn’t want Abba to work day and night, to feed us and repay it. So I go out once in a while, to work in the local car wash. They don’t give me much at all, but it’s enough to buy some food.
“I’m leaving,” Abba shouted from downstairs. “Stay safe.”
“Yeah, ok.” I heard the door slam shut, and then got my bag ready. Grabbed my hat, a water bottle, and a muesli bar. That was all I needed. I heard the car engine cough to life, and slowly being reversed on the main road. I think Dad knew what I did. How would he explain the few extra dollars on the kitchen table after he came back from his 5-hour shift? I knew he wanted me to not work, but inside, he knows our situation. I need to support him. He was my Abba after all.
I unlocked the door and walked out. It was nice to breathe fresh air again. I always have had a thing about the outdoors, I can't be inside for too long. A window always had to be open, otherwise I would feel like puking. I locked the door behind me and walked out on The Boulevard. It was so perfect. The asphalt was so smooth, black as ink. The metre section, satisfyingly mirrored on both sides, laid with grass; grass as green as emeralds. Of course, I’ve never seen emeralds in my life before. Just heard of them.
It was a 15-minute walk to the industrial area. The car wash was just past the bit where The Boulevard turned into a highway and junctions with the Jones’ Highway. I’ve only been on it once, and it was horrid. Four lanes, full of great, roaring, red demons, hauling their children cross-country. No sign of any grass. No sign of any trees. The road itself was grey, like the smoke puffing out of the demon’s noses. And I don’t think anyone could fix it.
After a quick talk with the manager of the car wash, I got to work. The cars that I usually got were cars travelling to work. I didn’t expect to see Abba here. He would never waste our money for this. It was just an old car. Yet I’ve seen people who care so much about it, that they follow me around, pointing out spots they want to be cleaned. I’ve never seen the importance and value of a car. It’s just a way to get around. You don’t see people setting up bike wash’s and people coming to them, do you now?
*****
I was sweaty and tired. It was a painful trudge back home. I had earned a total of $26 in two hours. My legs were like rocks, barely being able to move. It was a painful walk back home. But in the end it was worth it. I walked down The Boulevard and reached the porch. I pushed the house key into the keyhole and twisted it. It glided easily. Is the house already unlocked? I checked around for cars. None visible. I rotated the knob and came inside.
Abba stood in front of me. “And where are you coming from, mister?”
End of chapter
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140,714 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
Hi willachilles! You fallen warrior turned rogue! I thought I’d stop by & see how ‘Faith’ is getting on and leave a few reviews during my stay.
Things I liked;
Your opening paragraph really impressed me! Beautiful description and it already has me intrigued for whats to come!
I’m a big fan of first person perspective so I’m super glad to see that this is what you’ve chosen.
I like the description of home life with the bread and puree. It’s different to anything I’ve seen on here and I’m very interested to see where you’re taking this.
I enjoyed the ending. And I like that I’m already wondering where the car is.
Things I think you could improve;
Amazing description of the surrounding area and good insight into the personality of your MC...but even still by paragraph 4, I have no idea of looks, age or gender! Us poor readers need a little help.
I would have added a little more dialogue between your MC and his Dad for a bit longer. I wanted to know a little more about the relationship dynamics between them. And maybe a little hint as to why it’s only them two.
On to chapter 2!
Olive <3
Thanks so much for the review!
You know, I really wanted to keep the MC's looks sort of...blank for now...But not for long...Chapter 7 (coming soon!) has a lot more to offer about the boy.
Thanks again!
Remind me to read this sometime.
kk!
Hi! Blablabl92 here!
Great story so far! You really have a wonderful eye for detail, and I love all your metaphors and similes.
Okay, the first paragraph was great, so I don't really have anything to say about it, but the second paragraph wasn't very smooth.
"I stopped and took a deep breath. I was at the crest of the hill by now. This was where it took place. The same place where it was made. The decision which ruined our lives. I wanted to run away from this Earth. From this world. From this dreadful...life, I suppose you could call it. Life. What a funny word. Tossed between people like it’s a ball, quoted by people who have never experienced it. Money? I chuckled. Is that it? Is that the meaning of life? If it were so, we would have died by now."
I feel that it's rather chunky, as you almost never add commas and your sentences are very short. Maybe if you add a comma between Earth and From to make it "run away from this Earth, from this world, and from this dreadful...life. I suppose you could call it that." Okay that wasn't the best edit but I think you get the idea.
Anyways, another thing was when you wrote "two-year-old shoes." It's a bit confusing because the first time I read this I thought that the main character was two years old. Maybe re-word it?
Also, in the eleventh paragraph, when you wrote "It was nice to breathe fresh air again, I always have had a thing. I can't be inside for ages."
The line "I always have had a thing." Is rather blunt and unspecific. You might want to reword it to "I always have had a thing about the outdoors, I can't be inside for too long." Or something like that, because if you end the sentence at "thing" It doesn't really make sense.
I really do love the twelfth paragraph though (I might be getting the numbers wrong by the way), with all the metaphors and similes.
"Four lanes, full of great, roaring, red demons hauling their children cross-country." Great figure of speech! I love the detail too.
Also "The road itself was gray, like the smoke pouring out of the demon's noses." Was fantastic.
The last paragraph though, where you write "I was sweaty, wet, and dry, all at the same time." Doesn't make much sense. Sweaty and wet are kind of the same thing, and then you write that the character is dry too.
Also, you write "Tired, I walked back home." And "It was a painful walk back home." Very close to one another. Maybe if you changed it to "It was a painful trudge back home." Or any other synonym for walk.
But overall, wonderful beginning to your story! I liked that ended the part in a cliff-hanger too. You are wonderful with details, and it really helps the reader become the main character and see what he sees, and think what he thinks.
Keep writing!
Thank you so much! I've fixed up the things you have noted. I loved your review. It's brilliant.
] (with only one bracket outside it.) It keeps things neat and tidy.The only thing I would suggest is to use [
Thanks again!
-willa
Oops. Looks like that didn't work. Sorry.
I was saying, a tip would be to use quotes.
To write a quote, you just write the word 'quote' in these brackets:[ and ]
So it would look like <quote>*quote from text*</quote> But instead of the <'s you would have ['s
good job Willa I can't wait for chapter 3
Hey Lau, fellow Earth kingdom citizen here to review.
The first Paragraph is great; I love the description and the ominous feeling from the last sentence “I’m not sure why though. We haven’t felt Spring in a long time.”
He seems pre occupied with his shoes. is this because he is looking downward as he walks? You could add to the feeling of the writing by adding that he drudged with his hands in his pockets looking down a t his feet. (I know that that example is from a different perspective so you would have to change it if you added it in.)
“A tiny, tiny, townhouse” good use of word repeat.
“Sometimes just butter. Some dinners are silent.” I like how you have used their food to reinforce their poverty. What do you mean by SOME dinners?
“When are we going to repay it? It had been years, but the loan was just too big.” What loan is this? You said earlier that the house had been already paid. “Thank God that we paid the loan of this house before the decision.” Also what decision? I suppose this might be answered later on.
It was a 15-minute walk before you would reach the industrial area. Would be more concise as; It was a 15-minute walk to the industrial area.
The cars that I usually got now were cars traveling to work. I think the now is not necessary. There is a double l in travelling. (I only got that because I am writing on word to filter my own spelling mistakes)
Your final paragraph is also brilliant; a total picture of exhaustion.
I really liked your writing it had a calm slightly resigned feeling which I felt went well with the subject. I find it odd that you have classified it as Science Fiction, Mystery / Suspense it will be interesting to find where that leads… ooh you have a chapter 2, I’ll go check that out.
@RedaMajid may be referring too the whole piece as it is written in first person (I think? I always get the names of them confused) everything you write is from the mind of the boy therefore the vocab you use is his in his thoughts as well as his speech are his. I however thought his reflections and dialog were perfectly natural.
Go Earth kingdom!!!
Thanks so much for the review!
I will be sure to fix up the errors you noted, and yes, this chapter is very mysterious...where is it going...why did I put it under science fiction...oooh...
Thanks sooooooo much!
-willachilles
Happy Review Day!
While this opening sentence isn't cliche, it's certainly generic, and offers nothing apart from the setting. I suggest you add a bit more flavor. First impressions are ever-important.
De-capitalize spring. Seasons don't get capitals in English.
As a whole, the narrative felt a little flat and aimless. Just random thoughts flickering to and fro. You need to give the reader a reason to care about the details. Try tying them in with a central theme, don't just scatter a bunch of themes into the writing for nobody to understand.
And there was just no feeling of action, in fact, barely any emotion at all. Sometimes it's okay to focus on the surrounding details rather than the characters' reactions to them, as this allows the audience to react directly.
Overall, while the themes in this piece are very important, I do not feel like they are well-presented. They seem like they're just tossed out there as meaningless filler, and we're simply expected to care and understand. Reasons behind reasons are essential. Go back to the very cores of "Why?" and you're sure to find your theme.
The characters themselves are appreciated and realistic, so that's one thing you've got going for you. Variation and emotion would do wonders for this piece. Cheers.
-Chaser
Hey Chaser,
Happy Review Day to you too! First of all, thanks for the review. I really needed it.
Thanks for the two mistakes that you fixed up. And as for the rest of your review - I see where you're coming from. I know that there isn't much action and it's very vague. As you said, it was neutral. That was what I was trying to write like. From your review, I feel like I've ticked all my boxes I set up for myself.
Now, in the second chapter, things do get a little more interesting. Check it out if you want to. [urlhttps://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=122546#c544701[/url]
Thanks once again! I'll be sure to fix up those errors.
-willachilles
Sorry, https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=122546#c544701
You are an excellent writer but the ideas are not so good. If you are thinking as a teen your not going to be thing like that. Those are things that a teen wouldn't say.
If you could give a few examples, that would be fantastic.
I have written this from the perspective of a teen which is in poverty. From what I am picking up from your comment, you are saying that 'those are things a well off teen wouldn't say.' Well, of course, they wouldn't say half the things he is saying.
Thanks for the comment!
Just because he is poor doesn't mean he has the vocabulary of j.k Rowling
The vocabulary of J.K. Rowling? There are only five dialogues! And that too is split between Abba and himself.
Please elaborate more.
Thanks for sharing your story! I found the scene interesting, and I am curios as to where your story will go!
For the first several paragraphs, before I knew the main protagonist was male, I sensed female undertones and thought the story would be about a girl. I'm not sure if that is simply because of the way I read it, or if the description of things seemed feminine to me but I thought I should mention it.
In the second paragraph, you wrote, "This was the place where it took place." Grammatically, it might be better written... "This was where it took place." Also, later on to describe the cars on the highway you wrote "4" when it should be "four."
Thanks for sharing your story. Abba seems like he lets his son do whatever he needs to do, so I am wondering why he is so concerned that his son was out working?
Thanks again!
Thank you so much for the review! I'll fix up the errors you told me.
About Abba - he does let his son do whatever he wants, but as a father, doesn't want his son to be working just yet. He's still in school.
I was just thinking from a father's perspective. Also, it's not like the MC told his dad that, "Hey, I'm going to go out and earn money for us!"
Thanks again for the review!
-willa