Faith - Chapter Seven

by willachilles, ThePhoenix

Published September 24, 2015

12+

In Faith

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Faith

A story about time, faith, and love

CHAPTER Seven

"Nice to meet you both, but...what exactly are you doing here?" It wasn't everyday you were met by two people who were interested in you.

"Well, we heard about what happened. Everything, with the fire and stuff." As The Doctor said this he made an explosion gesture in his hand.

"We're just here to ask if anything was unusual about the entire experience." Sherlock had this light British accent, which, along with the deepness of it, gave him a unique voice.

"Wha...why would there be anything unusual about it?! It was just a regular house fire!" I stood up, my ears blazing. "Thinking about it, what do you guys have anything to do with me and my life? You just come storming in here like you're the boss of me!"

The duo looked at each other for a moment, and then The Doctor spoke.

"You're right. We're sorry. We just come in this hospital and start asking you random questions. We should leave." He gestured to Sherlock, and they both starting walking off.

They had just taken a few steps when Sherlock said, “Sorry about your mother.”

Everything around Charles suddenly went silent. The world had felt like it had stopped.

“H-how do you know about that?”

“Well your father is currently in hospital and you’re the only one here. So unless you have a horrible mother...it kind of makes sense. But by the way you just reacted, it's definitely not the former."

Charles spoke in a whisper. “Yeah it was...it was too much for her.”

"Suicidal, I knew it. But there’s still more. She cared too much about you and your father. So what did she do? She killed herself. Fewer mouths to feed, less money spent, however, it would also mean less income; if she had a job. And since I know that your mother was this smart...I know that she is a housewife."

“Uh, yes. But that’s really specific. There were a lot of other things she could’ve been.”

“Hm, yes. Shot in the dark. Good one, though. There are a lot of other things I can see from your appearance; you have clothes that are quite raggedy which seems to suggest your family is quite poor. That’s not it, though. It’s twenty-twenty yet there is an eighteen-year-old without a phone in his pocket or hands? Definitely from a poor family.

Now, your financial problems are quite interesting. You weren’t always poor, were you? Your hair...”

The Doctor looked confused. “His hair?”

“Shut up." Sherlock placed his attention back on Charles. “Your hair, it’s shaved with the same blade all over. Someone has cut it with a razor around...judging by he length...around two months ago. But that’s ridiculous, your father wouldn’t spend money on a barber or a razor when he’s already this much in debt. So that means your family used to be able to live quite comfortably until something happened."

"What happened?" The Doctor asked.

"His father was fired.”

Charles’ eyes widened. “How do you know he got fired?”

Sherlock replied with a smug look. “Again. Shot in the dark. That’s two now.”

The Doctor suddenly spoke up. “You could tell all that from his haircut?”

“Yes, pay attention.”

The Doctor suddenly started talking. “Also you might want to take better care of those shoes. Maybe wash them in a lake sometime. They would be the only memento you’d have left of your father if he dies. You wouldn't really be able to afford many shoes would you?"

He knelt down and smelt them.

"Hmm...yes...over two years old, maybe three."

“I’m the one that’s supposed to be analyzing him!”

“Shut up, I’m making deductions. It’s very exciting.”

Sherlock then looked at Charles. “And I think that covers just about everything.”

I stared at the man who, only a few moments ago, I thought was a complete stranger. I swallowed down the saliva which had slowly gathered in the mouth which was currently incapable of speaking.

"We'll be on our way then. Goodbye." I saw them walk off, stop, wait for the lift, and enter. I still had no reason to trust them. Although there was that little part of my brain which said that you'll definitely meet them again. It wasn't like I wanted to - I mean, who knows what that man could determine if I just changed my clothes!

I was about to sit down when I saw the nurse - the nurse which was taking care of Abba - walking down the hallway. I strode up to her and asked her about Abba.

"He has severe burns to his leg and won't be able to walk for a few days, maybe weeks. He'll need a wheelchair, which we can get you."

"How...how much would that be?"

"About one hundred dollars."

I shuddered.

"And what about just the general hospital fees?"

You know, I always think of the hospital as the most expensive place on Earth. It's the only place where you pay the true price of life. Death.

"It's already been paid off. A few of your friends came and paid it for you."

"Wh...Well, um, thanks for everything you've done!" I ran off, feeling bad about leaving her so rudely, smashed the lift button, and thought about them two masterminds. The Doctor and Sherlock.

*****

I searched frantically around for the duo, scanning the entire reception. Come on, I know you two are still he-

"Well, you've come. Finally."

I turned around to face The Doctor. "Yes, well, I heard about what you di-"

"Uh, uh, uh, uh." He covered my mouth with his hand. "Don't speak of it."

"Hey, you still have the wheelchair to pay off." Sherlock's voice boomed in my right ear.

"How did you...how did you know about the wheel-"

"Ugh, don't you humans remember anything? What goes on inside that little brain of yours?" the Doctor asked. I stood there, confused, waiting for an answer of some sort. "Ugh. Let's start again."

I felt my eyeballs roll from the left side of my eye socket to the right. But I waited, not interrupting him.

"I'm The Doctor. And I help people."

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
Lightsong
Review
Lightsong wrote a review Review · Sep 27, 2015

Hey, I'm here to review! Well, the reason I'm here is to say how awesome this chapter is... and to point out the glaring consisntency. ;)

I like how you portray Sherlock. It reminds so much with the one in the TV show - how he speaks fastly and with long sentences, and not having any pause. It's nice. About the doctor, at first, I thought it's Watson at first but his title as a doctor is given too much focus with the capitalization. My second guess is Doctor Who, which I've heard but not watched. I maybe wrong.

Anyway, this chapter is dialogue-centric. Although I adore dialogues more than plain descriptions, too many of it and too little the latter doesn't feel right. It doesn't give out the best of your character developments, the settings, the relationship between the former and the latter and vice versa. I suggest you to give more thoughts on body languages that can bring more impactful effect to the readers.

And to the major consistency! Your PoV! At one time it's the 1st PoV and at another it's 3rd PoV. *gasp* What happened?! Stick to just one and I would suggest the one you've used the most. Or maybe there are actually two characters and I'm missing out something? O.o Anyway, this realization disturbs my reading, so you'll need to fix that.

Aaand, that is all! Keep up the good job! The story has a nice going right now. :D

User avatar
Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review Review · Sep 26, 2015

Hey will! I'm here for another review! (And Phoenix, your deduction scene is awesome.)

This chapter makes me so happy. Like really, it does. The Doctor and Sherlock! So awesome.

So, honestly, this will just be me going through and nitpicking things that seem odd or slightly out of character.

You're right. We're sorry. We just come in this hospital and start asking you random questions. We should leave.

Okay, so I really like that this is the setup for Sherlock's line about his mother,because that's a great line, but I'm not quite sure the Doctor would just walk away like this. I feel like he would be more persistent. After all, more than likely what he's trying to find out could end up saving the lives of several people, probably including Charles. Maybe he'd make up something like they're investigating the paranormal or something.

Basically, I still think it could work, but perhaps have the Doctor try to get the information out of Charles for a bit longer.

So unless you have a horrible mother...it kind of makes sense.

I really don't think Sherlock would ever say "kind of." :P Try "It fits," or something like that.


Something I want to question about Charles' mother - couldn't she have gotten a job? Then she would have been contributing and wouldn't have to feel guilty. Of course, if she had depression or something similar, she likely would still be suicidal, but you might want to have Sherlock mention that she probably had depression or something.

Also, after analyzing Charles, they just leave, which doesn't make a lot of sense. Didn't they want to ask him about the fire in detail? Or are they trusting Charles to be interested enough to come after them?

I love how the Doctor and Sherlock pay the medical bills. That's just so totally something the Doctor would do, and it's a really nice touch. :D

Ugh, don't you humans remember anything? What goes on inside that little brain of yours?" the Doctor asked. I stood there, confused, waiting for an answer of some sort. "Ugh. Let's start again."

I think the "ugh"s make the Doctor sound overly angry. Normally, when he says stuff like this, he's mostly joking, but he sounds like he's actually angry here, so you might want to reword it.

And that's all I've got for you! Great job, you guys, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

User avatar
TheSilverFox
Review
TheSilverFox wrote a review Review · Sep 26, 2015

Well, this story just got a little more interesting. O_O

Nicely done, you two! This is an impressive, and fun, work! I liked the deduction scene that you created, @ThePhoenix - I have read a few Holmes stories, and I thought that the scene not only is an excellent part of this story, and but it also stays true to the original stories. In this chapter, Holmes is able to tell so many components of the MC's life, from his mother's demise to his family's state of poverty with amazing accuracy, making deductions that not only sound quite reasonable, but are definitely ones that I would expect Holmes to make. As such, well done, sir! The writing that you both compose is fantastic, and I love how smoothly this piece flows. Although you might have done different parts of the story, this is still clear, this still flows quite nicely, and I certainly wouldn't have known that two people had written it if you hadn't told me. As such, this story is wonderful when it comes to its tone, and the scenes that you have composed.

Furthermore, this chapter was just fun to read. It has a nice, hopeful, and optimistic tone. While, at first, the MC is confused and frustrated (and, at the end, still somewhat is, although I cracked up when you described his making the eyeroll), he comes to understand the beneficial nature of the two. They help him out by paying for some of the hospital bills, checked to assure his safety, make clear the situation, and definitely improve his present situation. As such, it made me to happy to see that he decides to follow them, and that they are able to meet again. Honestly, I'm not surprised that they were waiting for him - even I could tell that, after the conversation, he was going to come and meet them first chance he would get. Nonetheless, the conclusion of the story is an excellent top to this fantastic read. The details and the emotions that flow through this chapter are vivid, intense, and great. I could envision each scene clearly, I could sense the pain and joy of the MC, and it all peaked at the end of the story. In all, this chapter leads the reader on a fun journey, leaving them more and more eager to read onward, and then ends splendidly, leaving the reader satisfied with the chapter, as well as curious to learn more about the characters and read further. Thus, this story is also excellent when it comes to its plot, details, and emotions.

In conclusion, I love the chapter. It is creative, it is unique, and it is fun to read. I like the plot of the story, the emotions that run through it, and I am eager for more. I enjoyed reading this from start to finish, and I found this to be a incredible, powerful chapter. Well done, the two of you! :D

Thank you sooooo much! You are an absolutely brilliant reviewer! You deserve a cookie...

THANK YOU! I wish there was another way to express this emotion, but THANK YOU!

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Eros
Review
Eros wrote a review Review · Sep 24, 2015

Hello Willa and ThePhonix!!

This is Eros here to review your beautifully and co-ordinate work!

Oh My goodness, Willa and ThePhonics!!! Its a wonderful joint work! I see that there is going to be even a lot more of fun and adventure in the novel. The novel is flowing awfully smooth and I would say that it has got fiction expressed with a real touch of reality. That's the most beautiful thing of the chapter. I am glad to see that you have completed SEVEN CHAPTERS of the novel! I am happy and I would like to congratulate you. This chapter has increased the level of my pituitary hormone, Adrenalin thereby increasing my level of curiosity. Please Willa and ThePhonix, write the next chapter.

Sorry for interrupting but O.O It's ThePhoenix :3

Eros replied · Sep 25, 2015

UooHoo! Sorry, it is ThePhoenix! Thanx Mialynire!

Wow thanks so much for the review, Eros! You're a brilliant reviewer, if I say so myself...

Thanks so much for everything you just said, it warmed my heart hearing it. The next chapter will be coming out soon...

User avatar
willachilles
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willachilles commented Comment · Sep 24, 2015

Thank you to @ThePhoenix for writing that amazing deduction scene by Sherlock. It was half the entire chapter!

LIES!
I DID NOT WRITE ANYTHING HERE!



Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.
— Lemony Snicket