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Young Writers Society


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Faith - Chapter Six

by willachilles


Faith

A story about time, faith, and love

CHAPTER Six

“Bow ties are cool.” I loved bow ties. Just compare them to normal ties. They look so formal and so fancy. But you didn’t have to be at a fancy dress competition to wear one.

My father was scooping up his last strands of pasta when he said, “That was a great meal, son.” His eyes grew open wide, as he stood up. "Son..." I stood next to him when he whispered, “There’s a man in our backyard.” I turned around. Our eyes locked. And the last thing I remembered before I fell unconscious was him taking out a flamethrower.

*****

Something was stopping my eyes from opening. I felt heat rub across the whole of my right side. I needed to see. I needed to see! I rolled around so my nose was touching the ground. Ahh. Much better. I opened them and then rolled back around to see where I was. I was lying down on the carpet, in the dining room. With a piece of the roof about to fall on top of me.

Oh crap! I stood up as fast as I could and ran to...to...where?! There was fire surrounding me. Everywhere I looked - fire. I would have to make a dash to the Boulevard. I looked up and saw the roof slowly peeling off, like an orange peel. This is it.

I leaped towards the door and then ran. Ran like I never ever had ran before. Adrenaline ran through my legs, my heart pumping like constant beeping of a heart monitor. Faster and faster and faster and faster, until I thought it would blow up. I squinted my eyes as the wind gushed past me and hit my ears. I felt the heat starting to wade off behind me. I turned around, still running, as I saw what had become of our house.

The modern facade had disappeared and had now turned into an old, rotting, skeleton. The wooden frames which were left were being engulfed by the fire, charcoaled black smears of paint sprinting down them. It was impossibly hard to say that the house was ever more than a single-story, yet if you said that either, people would still laugh. I watched as our house - our only house - burned down to the ground.

I turned back around and stopped walking. Abba was limping his way over to me as I ran to help support him. It was only then when I saw the burn marks he had on his arms and legs.

"Oh my god...what happened to you?! We have to get to a hospital..."

"No...no...I'll be alright...no need for going to a hospital." I sighed. I knew it. He knew it. We both knew what was stopping us - the price. Oh, we should've moved to Canada... I tossed those thoughts away and sat Dad down in the car.

"We're going to the hospital to get you all fixed up." I knew what was coming next. We had already experienced it. Hell.

*****

I sat in the hospital hallway, crying. I was asking myself how this happened. Who was that man? How did he get into our house? How did he have a flamethrower?! A nurse came over and asked me if anything was wrong when I quickly wiped my tears and politely replied with a no. What did she know about what I had gone through in my life?

It was then when I heard footsteps racing down the hallway.

“GERONIMOOOOOO!” I arched my back and looked to the left to try and get a better look at what was happening. No way. How was he here? Him and his companion slid down the hallway all the way up to...to...me? Were they here for me?

“Ah, now, are you by any chance Charles...Charles Smith?” I could now see him close-up, and I instantly loved his outfit. His hairstyle: a 90’s slick to the side, with a small side fringe covering the left part of his forehead. A blue collared shirt, which hid the tail of his bowtie. I stared at his bowtie for a second or two. The navy blue colour, with little white dots on it. Over all of this was a brown, striped coat, which looked like it had been made of cloth. Two buttons were done up, formally, yet casually.

“Hello…?” I snapped out of the trance I was in. “Ah, there we are! So as I was saying–” I interrupted him.

“Yes, yes, I am Charles Smith.” The Doctor, Abba called him.

‘Ah, well, we’ve come to the right place, haven’t we?” He looked over to the other man.

“Yes...indeed, we have. Now shut up, and let’s introduce ourselves.” I wanted to smile a little bit. But I didn’t. I didn’t know who the hell these two people were. They could be kidnappers for all I know.

“I’m The Doctor,” he said with a wide grin on his face. As he said this, he straightened his bowtie.

“Sherlock.” The other man raised his hand for me to shake. “Sherlock Holmes.”


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Wed Sep 16, 2015 8:39 am
FeatherPen says...



Hey willachilies,
I didn't notice you had posted the next few chapters till this morning so i read them all at once on my train ride. I didn't see the dr and Sherlock making an appearance from the first two chapters, but hey cool. Sherlock and the dr! Yay! I like how you answer the questions everyone has and you write first person really well. I wanted to say that I will be watching your account more closely from now on.




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Fri Sep 04, 2015 5:32 pm
Mea wrote a review...



All right. :D Let's crack straight on with this.


IT'S THE DOCTOR AND SHERLOCK!!!! Okay, I've calmed down now.

As OliveDreams already pointed out, your description here is excellent. You do a nice job of keeping the story moving quickly and still giving a clear sense of the scene.

Questions:
1. Is this season 1 Sherlock or season 3 Sherlock? Because Sherlock in season 3 has changed a lot from the Sherlock of season 1. You'll want to keep that in mind while writing him.

For that matter, where is the Doctor in his timeline? After (spoilers!) the Ponds leave, he's more serious, so you'll want to keep that in mind too. I'm assuming by his outfit that it's before the Ponds leave, but I'd like to know for sure.

2. Where does Charles live, anyway? I still don't think you've said. Are they even in England? America? I really want to know where they are. (Also, if they aren't in England, Charles would probably notice that they've got a British accent.

3. Not really a question, but I feel like Sherlock would be immensely annoyed by the 11th Doctor's goofy persona, at least until he realizes that it's a mask. That might be interesting to play with. Would Sherlock immediately recognize the Doctor to be like him (in the way that Sherlock and Moriarty are similar)? I'm just thinking out loud here. I can't wait to see more interaction between them.

4. Why on earth did Charles lose consciousness?


More technical things:

"Son..." I stood next to him when he whispered, “There’s a man in our backyard.” I turned around. Our eyes locked. And the last thing I remembered before I fell unconscious was him taking out a flamethrower.

The first time I read this, I thought "Our" referred to Charles and Abba, since Abba had just spoken. Meaning that I also thought Abba was the one who took out the flamethrower. I figured it out eventually, but you might want to say "My eyes locked with the man's" or something like that, just to be clear.

I watched as our house - our only house - burned down to the ground.

Most people only have one house. Kinda an odd thing to say.

"Oh my god...what happened to you?!

This seems like an odd thing for Charles to ask - isn't it obvious what happened? After all, they were just in a burning building. XD

And that's all I've got for you! I'd better see that next chapter soon. ;)




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Tue Sep 01, 2015 10:52 am
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Ah Chapter 6. And so our dalliance comes to end for a short time. Let’s get to it.

Things I liked;

You’ve done a great job creating tension and excitement with the fire in the house. I feel like I’m on the edge of my seat wondering what’s going to happen. However, wouldn’t he spare a thought for his poor Dad? Isn’t that one of the first things you would panic about when surrounding by an inferno?

The wooden frames which were left were being engulfed by the fire, charcoaled black smears of paint sprinting down them.
- This is a fantastic description. I think your story would benefit greatly from some more of this.

I love that The Doctor is running riot with Sherlock Holmes! I also think you did a great job of capturing the essence of the doctor and his humour. You can immediately tell that he’s going to be a lot of fun.

Things I think you could improve;

Wait! Woah! Why did he fall unconscious? This is what I meant by saying that you’re ‘being dragged into conversation’ was a much more original way to end a scene. This is a bit cliche and it’s not explained. Spice it up or let us know what has happened.

I still do not know what Charles or his Father look like. Remember at some point to give us a sneak preview into this. In fact, I’m not sure you’ve described anyone physically so far. - SCRAP THAT. Well you’ve done a fantastic job of describing the doctor but still not the others.

Well, willachilles. It’s been a pleasure & I’m excited for chapter 7. Feel free to ask me any questions! I’m happy to chat anytime.

Olive <3




willachilles says...


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Yeah, I kind of forgot his dad. I will edit it. AND MAKE HIM REMEMBER HIS DAD. I'm such a forgetful person.

And yes, the whole unconscious thing. It's not clear.

And the description thing...

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It's coming in Chapter 7.

Btw,

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Thank you! CHAPTER 7 COMING!



willachilles says...


p.s. That's not me.



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Mon Aug 31, 2015 9:47 pm
artybirdy wrote a review...



I’m back again! Hope I’m not annoying you.

And the last thing I remembered before I fell unconscious

Did he fall unconscious from the shock, or did something else happen? I feel like I’m missing something here.
I rolled around so my nose was touching the ground.

I might sound quite nitpicky (if that’s even a word) here, but here you have the chance to develop the scene further. For example, as he’s on the ground, dirt could assault his nostrils, making him sneeze. You get what I mean?
Everywhere I looked - fire.

Describe his thoughts, feelings, or reactions here. Perhaps, he coughed hysterically, his sight blurred, or he felt dizzy.

Before he met his Abba, his worry for him never showed while he was surrounded by the fire. His focus was all on getting out and not once did his father cross his mind. I don’t know, but it sounded quite unrealistic to me. Try something like: Covering my mouth, I coughed as I frantically looked around for Abba.

“Ah, there we are! So as I was saying–” I interrupted him.

Who’s saying that dialogue? The Doctor’s companion? It should be on a separate line.
The Doctor, Abba called him.

Did Charles know he was The Doctor because of his bow tie?

Overall, I liked the chapter because there’s a dramatic turn of events. I’m curious to know why The Doctor and Sherlock were looking specifically for Charles, and why Charles was seemingly attacked. I enjoyed the chapter. Please tag me when you post the next chapter. Thank you!

Well done, and keep writing!




willachilles says...


Annoying me? Pssht...no.

For the last one - yes, he did.

For the second last one - no, it's The Doctor.

Other than that, everything's good! THANK YOU!

Thank you. Thank you.

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artybirdy says...


You're welcome! :D



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Mon Aug 31, 2015 3:21 pm
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ChocolateCello says...



WOAH WOAH WOAH CROSS OVER FIC OH MY GOSH

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Meanwhile while sherlock is off with the doctor-
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Sorry, I had to

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ANNND FOR THE FINALE- A few cheesy crossover gifs I found

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"The day, which was one of the first of spring, cheered even me by the loveliness of its sunshine and the balminess of the air. I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, revive within me. Half surprised by the novelty of these sensations, I allowed myself to be borne away by them, and forgetting my solitude and deformity, dared to be happy."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein