z

Young Writers Society


12+

phenomena

by Hijinks


A/N I changed this a lot, so all feedback is appreciated.

they say the aurora borealis
a queen who reigns over the night sky,
is a natural phenomena.
some tell me nothing is greater
than the pyramids, towering over us.

nobody declares that words
are the most wonderful.
a few goes so far as to say,
words are overrated.

yet I can think of only four words
that could change my life.
no one knows them but me.
I hide them in my heart
they scorch me every time
you get near.

they are harder to reach
than corals underwater;
harder to say than anemone.
bigger than Russia,
yet smaller than an atom.

impossible, everyone says.
that defies logic. science.
but I ignore them.
because I know those words.

one day, I will climb to the top of the Taj Mahal
I will grab those words
I will fling them at you.
then you can choose to rip my heart
the way I shred an awful draft,
or you can patch it
how I patch the holes in the knees
of my jeans.

do you love me?


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1081 Reviews


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Sun Sep 03, 2017 12:33 am
Virgil wrote a review...



Hi there whatchamacallit! This is Kays here dropping in on a late Saturday morning with that requested review of yours--sorry that this took so long to get to! I totally forgot the past three days, but I'm here now.

The flow in the first stanza is a little off with the third line having a comma in the middle--I'm going to suggest taking that out for flow. That's a problem with the poem that I found--the flow. What I mean by this is that the diction and punctuation are the main devices holding this poem back from flowing smoothly. I'm going to suggest reading this poem aloud to work out those chinks in the armor.

Starting lines with words that belong to S.T.A.B. isn't the best idea either I have to say. These words are So, To, And, Because/But. The reason that these words aren't often all that effective at the beginning of a line is because these words are used to connect and being at the beginning of a line, they're often filler instead.

Moving off of that critique and into another, the ideas here are strong but the execution unfortunately is not. That is the largest issue that I have with this--the idea that the speaker respects words as much as the aurora borealis or the pyramids. I enjoy the homage given to a few special places or sights in the world and the contrasting view that the speaker holds but I found the problem here to be is that there isn't a lot of imagery to go along with this.

There's a possibility for description to enhance the atmosphere and themes of the speaker not being changed except by the four words 'do you love me?' which I must add, should have a question mark after. Try adding that in and go from there and give this poem more of a focus as Rosey says. Focus in on a specific experience because that helps more than to be broad or vague in this case and go from there--there is potential here! I believe that this can be made stronger with the fixing of chinks in the armor.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image

Image




Hijinks says...


Thanks for the review! I changed some stuff, does it flow any better? Thanks again,
Pearl :P



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Mon Aug 28, 2017 7:56 pm
AneiDoru wrote a review...



I like that you put all sorts of important and timeless places into this poem, it shows that you are trying to convey how important those words are to you, and by extension, the relationship. You successfully conveyed how hurt you were that your love was questioned. In the end it isn't actually about words, but the feeling you get from them, since words are supposed to convey meaning or are used to either convey feelings, or are used to make someone feel a certain way.




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Thu Jul 06, 2017 2:12 am
Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

I recognize this is purposely as general as possible in order to appeal to as wide an audience as possible. This is a common technique newer poets employ in order to make the poem relatable without exposing too much of themselves.

This hampers more than it helps.

The thing about general phrases is they're already in the public lexicon. They're already phrases that people use day in day out, have heard in dozens of movies, and generally tend to blend together. Placing a new twist on them in their general form is basically impossible. By sticking to generalities, your poem doesn't really have any punch.

A good poem is vulnerable, full of exact details. It's images only you can think of, grains of detail from your life that are very specific. This specificness actually makes the poem more relatable because the specifics are the grounding in reality, in the concrete, that a poem needs in order for people to be able to hang their own emotions off it.

Right now, you're telling us how we feel without really making us be anywhere. There's no moment for us to recall, nothing about our own experience that can really grab at us. Dig deeper into a specific moment so we can have something to hold onto.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




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Wed Jul 05, 2017 5:25 pm
Midnightmoon wrote a review...



Really good poem!

I loved how you matched the simplicity and feeling. Just a few nitpicks. :)

"Maybe then you'll tell me your feeling
a few years too slow."

I would put a comma after the word "feeling." Without it, it feels to rushed. To me, when I come across a comma, I pause, just for a little. I think it gives time for what the poem is saying to really sink in.

"Maybe then you'll tell me your feeling,
A few years too slow."

Next, on this line: "Just a shy little girl," I would put "I'm" at the beginning. I think it reads easier.

"I'm just a shy little girl."

Anyway, Love the poem, can totally relate. Sorry if this wasn't helpful. Keep writing!




Hijinks says...


No, it was :) Did you mean to post two exactly the same comments/reviews?



Midnightmoon says...


Yes. Computer glitch. Sorry.



Hijinks says...


That's okay. I know about those ;)



Midnightmoon says...


:D




"Beneath this mask, there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask, there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."
— V for Vendetta