(This poem was made by me after I felt sad for a while
I've been using poetry as a way to escape my thoughts of doing the unthinkable
and this one is quite dear to me and I wanted to gain some criticism on it so please
If you can, take time to read and review! I'm working on improving my writing skills!! ~~ :3)
ＳＥＥＤ
𝘣𝘺: 𝘷𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘷𝘦𝘵13
My heart sank lowly
Of the simple words uttered in the conversation
Maybe the future isn't far ahead
For it seems to be getting closer each second
The deepest level, my heart sank
Head slowly feeling heavy
With it, the feeling of lightheadedness shown
And maybe then did the fury of evil open
My past has given me problems to fix today
Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up early
Maybe someday I can welcome you back into my arms again
Although I act as if I even care anymore
One wise, wise man once taught me to never trust men
For men are only there to aggravate and pain your presence
I have lost sense of trust and care for others, even myself
Shall the knowledge of my brain be passed onto future generations to help assemble?
Oh wise, wise man, may your future be as bright as your sight
May it be blurry as a light on sight
Trying to show my strength, but my love is broken forever by you
And shall the future admirers of mine be warned of my attitude
Grow upon me oh dear sins
For my mistakes are there to build me as a person, not wreck me down like a ship
Shall my love prevail and hurry?
Or shall it be broken down and used by others?
Never once have I been in a car that felt like home
I wish that someday you'll be the home I'll forever only need
Ours shouldn't be made for the cause of money
Hence it shall be made for the effect of our immortal love
My blood, in which I sacrifice to love and care for you
My heart, in pieces in which I have chosen to give to you
My body in which I am willingly offering for you to love and to care for
And myself, wherein respect and obedience is given and received from.
Shall I be a minor character that shows a minor appearance in your story?
Or shall I be the female lead that steals your heart and runs off with you?
I'd rather be your supporting character where I can be there for you whenever you need me
Tears in my eyes I hope to see you someday
Darkness shows upon my eyes
Whilst brown glistens upon it when sunlight strikes
Yours a deep hazel green
Weakens me to the bone whenever I see it or even think about it
Shall we now rejoice to the fact that you're mine?
Or shall I wake up to the fact that you're not?
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,028 Reviews
That's crazy!
This is a very melancholy piece, and very well written! The introspective look inside is captivating and leaves you wanting to know more. You can see the hurt that the speaker has experienced in the past leak through to affect them in the present. I also wonder about the wise, wise man and who he is to the speaker. All in all, I love that I've been left curious cos it gets my mind going!
Thank you so much!! That's what I've been trying to capture in this poem~!! I really appreciate your review, Love lots!!~~<3
Hi! Katya here to review this for you!
First off, I wanted to start by saying I absolutely love the references you used in this work.
My favorite stanza is:
This was written beautifully. I loved how you used a novel or piece of work as a reference to love. I can also feel the pain within the words you used; how she feels helpless and used.
Although, there is one line in the second stanza that you could change:
Use the word 'sink' instead. Sank is a little awkward. If you wanted to use that word, take away 'did'. So instead it would be either:
OR:
Otherwise, this poem is great! I loved the emotion within it. Great job!
Happy writing!
Aww, thank you so much! You're review really means so much to me, I'll keep those in mind whenever I'm writing! Love lots~! <33
Oh wow, beautifully written poem.
I think sink would make more sense here so maybe change that?
I'm a little confused by this line. A man taught you that men are untrustworthy? So he's saying he's untrustworthy? It would help if I were you but since I'm not could you specify what you meant please?
To me this doesn't sound grammatically correct, so maybe change some of the wording?
Here I think you need a question mark.
This also sounds grammatically wrong to me, try changing the wording as well maybe? Now onto what I liked about your poem. I love your metaphor comparing his love to you with a movie, that was a very nice metaphor and I liked the way you used it! I also like how at the end it ends with a question, so neither you nor the reader know what happened in the end. This leaves a sense of mystery and also lets the reader decide the ending. I love the thought process of the character throughout. It's realistic and that's what many people might feel. The personal experience I think really helped make this poem so good. Overall great poem! I look forward to seeing more of your work!
Thank you! I've noticed how I wrote sank instead of sink T~T I should maybe change it. The line about the wise man was about someone who thought they were really smart for their age and was quite manipulative and changing the meaning of really heartwarming things which made the character lose trust in men to not let herself get hurt again. Argh I make so many grammatical errors when I'm overexerting my efforts, I'll make sure to clean those up and make it have more sense LOLOLOL! Thank you for your review of my work, I look forward to hearing more from you, love~~! <3
Lol it's OK, it was a great poem!!!