Hey tinybookfarie! I noticed your work has been sitting in the back of the Green Room for some time. We can't have that, now can we?
I haven't read any of the previous works in this series. I apologise if that becomes an issue with anything I have to say about your piece in my review.
"Damn it, Gabe! Give it to me." I whisper-yell to him as I grab the phone from his hands.
Okay! So I peeked ahead and I notice that you do this a few times. When you're writing dialogue and you have a dialogue tag attached (like you have here with "whisper-yell", which honestly I would change to "hiss" because it describes that better with the contradiction), you'll end the dialogue with a comma instead of a period. So, for example, this sentence would be: "Damn it, Gabe! Give it to me," I whisper-yell to him as I grab the phone from his hands.
If your dialogue is not followed by a dialogue tag, but an action, the period is correct! (There's also things like splitting a sentence in half but I won't go into that right now. There's an article here! that goes into more detail if you want to know
I stare at the screen while on the corner of my eye,
Is this supposed to be "out of the corner of my eye"? Because... "on the corner" doesn't make sense?
I'm not very far in the chapter yet, but I have to say that it doesn't read much like chapter opening? It feels like it's continuing off of another scene, but chapters are usually split up when there's a scene break? Not to say that doesn't happen in chapters themselves, but this doesn't feel like it belongs by itself like this because it reads like it's just following something that happened before (which, as someone who doesn't know what came before, bothers me more than it would if it was someone who was following your story sequentially as they're meant to be read, so do with this what you will.)
I shake my head, not wanting to belive it. “He says, ‘Hey. Can you meet me at my game today?’” I read out loud trying not to blush. My heart is pounding. There is no way that Jason would be asking this of me.
Isn't that Gabe's phone? She says she scrolls through "Gabe's texts", but has a response from Jason? Wouldn't Jason be asking Gabe to the game in this instance? (Unless Gabe stole her phone in the first place, in which case I wouldn't describe her texts as being Gabe's in the first place)
As a side note, belive should be believe
My friends sigh at the mention of my aunt. They know who she is, and how she ruins most of my life.
Shouldn't this already have been introduced into the storyline? This feels like an exposition line, and while I haven't read anything before this, I don't think this does anything for the story. If you want them to sigh, go ahead, but by now if this has been introduced correctly, the readers shouldn't need you to explain what it means/why they're reacting like that. By what the protagonist has said, it should be clear what they're sighing at. (as someone who doesn't know how bad this aunt is, obviously I couldn't have known, but again! novels are made to be read sequentially and I'm not doing that)
She seems to adjust rapidly from the idea that her aunt is gonna be mad about her leaving for a game to just "knowing" her aunt will be okay if it's basketball practise? The transition from one to the other is weak.
I'm not sure when I would have another chance like this ever again.
Is it really that hard to speak to One Boy during high school? This seems a little bit dramatic in my opinion. Like, if she doesn't talk to him now, she'll never get to, but why? Even if she has a helicopter aunt or even an abusive one, does her aunt really monitor her every action at school too? Is she too busy to talk to him?
I looked at my friends who looked at me eagerly
I would shift this sentence around so you don't have the repetitive "looked". Also, where is she looking before if not at her friends before? I would have assumed that's where she was glancing already. Regardless, if this is the case, I would change it to something more like: I glanced back at my friends, who met my gaze eagerly.
“RRRRRIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG”
Since I'm assuming the bell isn't actually saying "ring", the quotation marks shouldn't be there. Also, you really don't need to drag out the letter? A simple, italicised Ring! would do the trick just as nicely.
Every step I took, I was getting more nervous and nervous.
While I think you mean "I was getting more and more nervous", I would pull this line out anyway because it's very "telling". Ever heard of telling vs. showing? This is a good example of it. Instead of telling us that she's getting nervous, show us that her hands are sweaty, she can hear her pulse drumming in her ears. Maybe her legs feel wobbly. There's a ton of ways to describe how a character is feeling rather than what they're feeling. It makes the character richer, and it allows your reader to better connect with them.
I shake me head and she laughs. "Not really. What if I do something stupid and embarrassing."
It should be: "I shake my head" and the second sentence of dialogue should end with a question mark because it's *drumroll* a question.
"No you're not." Aliyah says.
No, you're not what? This doesn't go with what the protagonist just said. What is she saying "No, you're not" to? No, you're not ready? No, you won't do something stupid and embarrassing?
(It can help to read you're work aloud sometimes when you're going through it! You can catch a lot more when you're saying it out loud then you can when you... well, aren't. Your mind can glaze over something you've seen while you're reading but it has to catch on things when you're speaking. I brought this up because it can help to check whether dialogue sounds natural or not too!)
"I know you've been in love with him for like...….FOREVER
Ellipses should only have three periods, not six, and I would really change the capitalisation of "forever" to italics. And in all honesty, I wouldn't put in an ellipsis at all.
("I know you've been in love with him for, like, forever)
Same goes for the "now he wants to talk to YOU." I wouldn't italicise that or capitalise it. I think it would read much smoother as just incorporated with the rest of the dialogue rather than trying to make it stand out.
we can see adults staring at us in disapproval
Why? Because they're driving by and blasting music? Most people might look at them, but they also probably won't care.
I can see the other students who glance at us
This can be adjusted to: "We park. As we get out, other students glance at us curiously."
Using the "I can see" as padding isn't all that effective. Why do you need it? You don't. The sentence becomes a lot more... personal, for lack of a better word. Again, it makes it easier to connect to the protagonist if the reader can imagine people look at them. Like this, it distances the reader. And, like I said, it's unnecessary padding.
but it was deffinetely a more presteege looking one.
"but it was definitely a more prestigious one."
Aside from that, how does it look more prestigious than their school? What about them is different? Is this one bigger? Cleaner? This is another tell vs. show. You're telling us this one is nicer, but not why or how. There's nothing to grasp onto, no description of the school. It could be a purple shack in the middle of a lake for all I know right now. Description is your friend (in moderation of course)! What are your characters seeing? Tasting? Smelling? Hearing? Feeling?
Aliyah shrugs me away. "I am not." She refuses to admit.
I... can't say I understand anything this sentence is trying to get across. How do you shrug someone away? Is this some kind of cross between shrugging and pushing someone away? What about "she refuses to admit"? That makes it sound like she's already cheating on Gabe. Looking at other people is not cheating on someone?? You can still appreciate someone's physique while you're in a relationship. So, why the "she refuses to admit" (which is also telling and not showing, even if it did make sense! The dialogue should already get whatever this is across, instead of you trying to spell it out for the reader)
Aliyah gives me an are-you-kidding-me look.
What kind of look is that? Is she scowling? Are her eyebrows really high? How is she giving Cici this look?
Surely, if Cici is this in love with Jason, they know each other already? She has talked to him before, right? Why is she acting so nervous towards him? I get the initial, first-developing-feelings stage has that intimidation effect, but if you're in love with someone, are you really that afraid to talk to them?
I can see Gabe and Jason and me and Aliyah holler
I had to read this a few times, because it reads like she's seeing all four of them hollering and shouting, when I think you mean something more like "Aliyah and I hollered and shouted in support of Gabe and Jason" (it should already be implied that they're playing and that would be who the girls are rooting for instead of, again, having to explain it to the reader)
Neverlyn played harder than I thought, but Jason's teams was much better and more skilled.
"Jason's team" not "Jason's teams" as I assume he isn't like, playing double agent or something. Also, what was the point in mentioning that Neverlyn "was the best at everything" earlier if they're so incompetent now? What makes Jason's team so much more skilled? Are they more coordinated? Were they faster?
Their star quarterback was sick, but we'll take it."
Can't say I haven't been there before haha. I know I was just critiquing this, and I still think it's a bit of a stretch, but man do I know how a game can go when your best player can't make it.
You have some typos, grammatical errors, and there seems to be places where there are unnaturally spaced words? I didn't want to fill my review with technical stuff though, but I know that's often not all that helpful.
I do have to wonder why you ended it on a cliffhanger? I don't know what he'll say, of course, I'm assuming it's going to be something like a confession or asking Cici out on a date, in which case I don't think it's necessary to split that up. But maybe he's going to ask her to be his partner in crime, stealing from the rich and giving to poor! Maybe he's about to ask her to come join a secret cult! I don't know what he's going to ask (those would be some delicious twists though, and therefore I approve of a cliffhanger if it's something you wouldn't normally expect. I felt it should be brought to attention, regardless)
What stands out to me most are two things: there's too much telling and not enough showing. You're holding your readers hand and assuming they can't understand what you're trying to get across based on context/description/what you are showing them. Which, sure, sometimes your reader won't get what you're trying to get across, but right now, you're very far away from that (it's a hard scale to balance, believe me, I know!) and you need to start using the showing and refraining from telling. It makes your prose much richer and colourful.
And continuing off of that for the second thing- there's not enough description. I have no idea what your characters surroundings are. What colours are there around? What kinds of building? What kinds of smell? This goes back to the five senses thing I asked about earlier. I'm a huge sucker for description (sometimes too much so actually ;D), and when there is none to be found, it's hard for me to get into a story. I want to be able to put myself in the protagonist's shoes and to feel what they're feeling. I can't do that when I don't know what they're shoes look like (this is a metaphor, you don't have to describe your characters shoes haha).
I know this was a very critical review. I'm sorry for that. I'm sure your story is much more than I'm making it out to be! Please keep on writing, I'd love to see where you go with it
I hope you're having a wonderful time!
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