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Resist or Regret (Ch.4)

by tinybookfarie


“Damn it, Gabe! Give it to me.” I whisper-yell to him as I grab the phone from his hands. I stare at the screen while on the corner of my eye, I can see Aliyah and Gabe trying to contain their laughter. I shake my head and try to hide the grin beginning to form on my face.

 I scroll through Gabe’s texts and I see Jason’s reply. My jaw drops in shock and that is when Gabe and Aliyah burst into laughter.

“Oh my gosh, what does it say?” Aliyah asks, holding her stomach from laughing. 

I shake my head, not wanting to belive it. “He says, ‘Hey. Can you meet me at my game today?’” I read out loud trying not to blush. My heart is pounding. There is no way that Jason would be asking this of me. 

Aliyah nudges Gabe on the arm. “Wait, what game? He has a game today?” 

He nods. “Yeah. We go against Neverlyn High. They’re supposed to be like the best and everything.” 

“Well, I think you’ll do great.” Aliyah says. 

I glance at her and she looks back. I raise me eyebrows to her, and she rolls her eyes. I laugh. “Okay, but what about my aunt? You know she’ll get pissed if I leave.”  My friends sigh at the mention of my aunt. They know who she is, and how she ruins most of my life. 

Aliyahs face brightens. “Oh I know. Just tell her  that we have a basketball practice today and that you’re gonna carpool with me. She’ll be fine with it. I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t even want you to be home.” She rolls her eyes again as she talks about my aunt. 

I nod, considering the idea. Aliyah’s idea was actually good. My aunt wouldn’t mind. As long as I got home by five, which is before dinner time. It would be worth it. I would finally get the chance to talk to Jason. I’m not sure when I would have another chance like this ever again. 

I looked at my friends who looked at me eagerly, and  I smile. “Guess, we’re going to a game.”

Aliyah whoops. “Yes!”

 “Alright!” Gabe nods and grins. 

¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬

“RRRRRIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG”

Once the school bell rings, I can’t seem to ease my pounding heart. I have not stopped thinking about Jason the whole school day. I was stuck in my head, trying to come up with the right words to say when I would meet him.  Every step I took, I was getting more nervous and nervous. 

At the parking lot, Aliyah slips her arm into mine as we head to her car. “So are you ready for this?” She asks, smiling at me. 

I shake me head and she laughs. “Not really. What if I do something stupid and embarrassing.”

“No you’re not.” Aliyah says. “I know you’ve been in love with him for like.....FOREVER and you miss him like hell, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not meant to be. Like, if it wasn’t, then why would God ever let you see him and now he wants to talk to YOU.”

I shake my head, laughing. “I don’t think that’s how God works, Aliyah. Besides, you usually don’t meet your true love until you found a job and you’re somewhere in your twenties.”

Aliyah cringes. “Really? I didn’t know that. Well then, you guys could be like those couples on those Hallmark movies. You know, like the ones who had a childhood together, but then they didn’t meet ever again until they were in their twenties and then they fall in love. Oh, and then you guys kiss in the snow during Christmas time.” 

I shove Aliyah away, playfully. “Aliyah, oh my gawd!” I screech. She shoves me back and we both laugh as we get into her car. She turns the radio up and rolls down the windows. I stick my hand out and let the wind blow my hair. I laugh and sing along to the blaring music. We pass by other cars and we can see adults staring at us in disapproval, but we don’t care. We party like the teenagers we are. 

At last, we arrive at Neverlyn High. We park and I can see the other students who glance at us in curiosity. I get out and observe my surroundings. Neverlyn High was not as big as Westrige High, our school, but it was deffinetely a more presteege looking one. It looked like a college almost and for a second I wonder if we have arrived at the right school. That was until I see a few guys my age wearing their football uniforms of green and purple and that was when I decided that we have come to the right school. 

“Dang. Look at those hotties.” Aliyah mumbles to me as she motions to a group of guys. They look at us, whispering and grinning. 

I roll my eyes as I lead Aliyah towards the football field and out of the guys’ sight. “Don’t cheat on Gabe.” I tell her. 

Aliyah shrugs me away. “I am not.” She refuses to admit. 

We walk on the field and we take a seat on the bleachers closest to the field. I’m on the edge of seat as I try to search for Jason in the crowd of Neverlyn High students.  Then I see a boy who has the same brown hair as him, and that was when my heart skips a beat. 

The boy turns around and it was like slow motion. I see his smile and then I see his sparkling eyes and I catch a breath. He was beautiful. An  angel from Heaven and I literally try not to melt in my seat. I stare at him in amazement. There he was. Right there and I wonder if he knows I’m here too. 

I was so caught up in Jason that I don’t even notice Aliyah calling my name.  “Cici? Cici!!! Damn it, Cici. Are you still in there?”

I shake head, confused. “Huh?”

Aliyah gives me an  are-you-kidding-me look. “Seriously? What were you looking at?”

I bite my lip. “Not a ‘what’, but a ‘who’. I see Jason.”

Aliyah’s eyes grow wide. “What?!” She yells. She looks down at the football players and gaps as she see’s Jason. “Oh my gawd, it’s him. JASON! JASON!” She screams as she waves her arms in the air. 

I look at Aliyah in horror and I grab her arm down. “Aliyah! Shut up!” I hiss at her. 

It was too late. Jason looks around in confusion, trying to find the scource of the voice. Then he sees Aliyah and then turns his attention to  me.  We meet eyes for a second and that is when he smiles at me. I do nothing, but smile back. That is when he turns away.  

I breathe slowly. 

“OH MY GAWD!!! Cici..” Aliyah squeals. 

I put a hand to her mouth. “Okay! What we are not going to do is freak out, okay?” I try to explain to her calmly as possible, but eventually I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks and I can’t prevent  myself from smiling. Aliyah squeals even more. 

At last, the game has started. I can see Gabe and Jason and me and Aliyah holler and shout for the both of them.  Gabe is quarterback and Jason is going to run the ball.  I scream at the top of my lungs when he catches the throw an takes a run for it. He makes the touchdown and I scream louder.  

It is like this for the whole game.  Neverlyn played harder than  I thought, but Jason’s teams was much better and more skilled. They overwhelmed them for most of the plays, and I feel happy for them when they win. Aliyah and I whoop and clap for them and that is when Gabe sees us. Sweating, he walks over to us and smiles.

“So,whatcha guys think?” He asks, even though he is out of breath. 

Aliyah grins. “Great! See, I told you guys were gonna win.”

Gabe shrugs, but smiles at Aliyah’s compliment.  “Nah. We just got lucky. Their star quarterback was sick, but we’ll take it.”

They laugh. 

“Oh my gosh. You should’ve seen Cici. She was so red when she saw Jason.” Aliyah suddenly says, glancing at me. 

Gabe raises an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? You know, you still gotta talk to him, right?”

I shake my head. “Oh no. I could barely when handle it when he smiles at me. How am I supposed to handle it when I talk to him?” 

Aliyah rubs my arm.  “You’ll be fine.”

I smile reassuringly, but I only feel my heart pounding.  I glance at Jason who was celebrating with his team.  He was laughing and smaking his teammates playfully. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to talk to him, but that was when he turned around and looked at me.  He ‘what up’ me and motioned for me to come over.  I was shaking. Me?

I began to walk over, biting my tongue.  “Wait! Where are you going?” Aliyah calls out to me. I nod to Jason and that is when she starts squealing. Gabe just gives me the thumbs up. 

Feeling like a nervous wreck, I took small steps towards him. Jason is no longer with his friends, but now alone and watching me as I walk over. I feel uncomfortable under his gaze, but in the same time, it felt like I was walking into the gates of Heaven. 

“Hey.” I say first. 

He smiles. “Hey. I’m glad that you actually came. I didn’t think that you would.” He says softly. 

I blush and I hope that he doens’t notice.  “Of course I came.” I reply. 

He looks down at his shoes. “So uh..nice to see you again.” 

I smile. “It’s nice to see you to.  Why did you ask me to come to your game?” I don’t know why I ask him that, but I wanted to know what he would say. 

He looks at me with his deep brown eyes. There is something there that I’m not sure I how to describe. His look reads as if what he’s about to say something serious, and I instantly feel regret for asking him the question. What if I don’t like what he says?  

He steps closer. “Because...”


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Thu May 02, 2019 7:26 pm
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mellifera wrote a review...



Hey tinybookfarie! I noticed your work has been sitting in the back of the Green Room for some time. We can't have that, now can we?

I haven't read any of the previous works in this series. I apologise if that becomes an issue with anything I have to say about your piece in my review.


"Damn it, Gabe! Give it to me." I whisper-yell to him as I grab the phone from his hands.


Okay! So I peeked ahead and I notice that you do this a few times. When you're writing dialogue and you have a dialogue tag attached (like you have here with "whisper-yell", which honestly I would change to "hiss" because it describes that better with the contradiction), you'll end the dialogue with a comma instead of a period. So, for example, this sentence would be: "Damn it, Gabe! Give it to me," I whisper-yell to him as I grab the phone from his hands.
If your dialogue is not followed by a dialogue tag, but an action, the period is correct! (There's also things like splitting a sentence in half but I won't go into that right now. There's an article here! that goes into more detail if you want to know (:

I stare at the screen while on the corner of my eye,


Is this supposed to be "out of the corner of my eye"? Because... "on the corner" doesn't make sense?


I'm not very far in the chapter yet, but I have to say that it doesn't read much like chapter opening? It feels like it's continuing off of another scene, but chapters are usually split up when there's a scene break? Not to say that doesn't happen in chapters themselves, but this doesn't feel like it belongs by itself like this because it reads like it's just following something that happened before (which, as someone who doesn't know what came before, bothers me more than it would if it was someone who was following your story sequentially as they're meant to be read, so do with this what you will.)


I shake my head, not wanting to belive it. “He says, ‘Hey. Can you meet me at my game today?’” I read out loud trying not to blush. My heart is pounding. There is no way that Jason would be asking this of me.


Isn't that Gabe's phone? She says she scrolls through "Gabe's texts", but has a response from Jason? Wouldn't Jason be asking Gabe to the game in this instance? (Unless Gabe stole her phone in the first place, in which case I wouldn't describe her texts as being Gabe's in the first place)
As a side note, belive should be believe ;)

My friends sigh at the mention of my aunt. They know who she is, and how she ruins most of my life.


Shouldn't this already have been introduced into the storyline? This feels like an exposition line, and while I haven't read anything before this, I don't think this does anything for the story. If you want them to sigh, go ahead, but by now if this has been introduced correctly, the readers shouldn't need you to explain what it means/why they're reacting like that. By what the protagonist has said, it should be clear what they're sighing at. (as someone who doesn't know how bad this aunt is, obviously I couldn't have known, but again! novels are made to be read sequentially and I'm not doing that)


She seems to adjust rapidly from the idea that her aunt is gonna be mad about her leaving for a game to just "knowing" her aunt will be okay if it's basketball practise? The transition from one to the other is weak.


I'm not sure when I would have another chance like this ever again.


Is it really that hard to speak to One Boy during high school? This seems a little bit dramatic in my opinion. Like, if she doesn't talk to him now, she'll never get to, but why? Even if she has a helicopter aunt or even an abusive one, does her aunt really monitor her every action at school too? Is she too busy to talk to him?

I looked at my friends who looked at me eagerly


I would shift this sentence around so you don't have the repetitive "looked". Also, where is she looking before if not at her friends before? I would have assumed that's where she was glancing already. Regardless, if this is the case, I would change it to something more like: I glanced back at my friends, who met my gaze eagerly.

“RRRRRIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG”


Since I'm assuming the bell isn't actually saying "ring", the quotation marks shouldn't be there. Also, you really don't need to drag out the letter? A simple, italicised Ring! would do the trick just as nicely.

Every step I took, I was getting more nervous and nervous.


While I think you mean "I was getting more and more nervous", I would pull this line out anyway because it's very "telling". Ever heard of telling vs. showing? This is a good example of it. Instead of telling us that she's getting nervous, show us that her hands are sweaty, she can hear her pulse drumming in her ears. Maybe her legs feel wobbly. There's a ton of ways to describe how a character is feeling rather than what they're feeling. It makes the character richer, and it allows your reader to better connect with them.

I shake me head and she laughs. "Not really. What if I do something stupid and embarrassing."


It should be: "I shake my head" and the second sentence of dialogue should end with a question mark because it's *drumroll* a question.

"No you're not." Aliyah says.


No, you're not what? This doesn't go with what the protagonist just said. What is she saying "No, you're not" to? No, you're not ready? No, you won't do something stupid and embarrassing?
(It can help to read you're work aloud sometimes when you're going through it! You can catch a lot more when you're saying it out loud then you can when you... well, aren't. Your mind can glaze over something you've seen while you're reading but it has to catch on things when you're speaking. I brought this up because it can help to check whether dialogue sounds natural or not too!)

"I know you've been in love with him for like...….FOREVER


Ellipses should only have three periods, not six, and I would really change the capitalisation of "forever" to italics. And in all honesty, I wouldn't put in an ellipsis at all.
("I know you've been in love with him for, like, forever)
Same goes for the "now he wants to talk to YOU." I wouldn't italicise that or capitalise it. I think it would read much smoother as just incorporated with the rest of the dialogue rather than trying to make it stand out.

we can see adults staring at us in disapproval


Why? Because they're driving by and blasting music? Most people might look at them, but they also probably won't care.

I can see the other students who glance at us


This can be adjusted to: "We park. As we get out, other students glance at us curiously."
Using the "I can see" as padding isn't all that effective. Why do you need it? You don't. The sentence becomes a lot more... personal, for lack of a better word. Again, it makes it easier to connect to the protagonist if the reader can imagine people look at them. Like this, it distances the reader. And, like I said, it's unnecessary padding.

but it was deffinetely a more presteege looking one.


"but it was definitely a more prestigious one."
Aside from that, how does it look more prestigious than their school? What about them is different? Is this one bigger? Cleaner? This is another tell vs. show. You're telling us this one is nicer, but not why or how. There's nothing to grasp onto, no description of the school. It could be a purple shack in the middle of a lake for all I know right now. Description is your friend (in moderation of course)! What are your characters seeing? Tasting? Smelling? Hearing? Feeling?

Aliyah shrugs me away. "I am not." She refuses to admit.


I... can't say I understand anything this sentence is trying to get across. How do you shrug someone away? Is this some kind of cross between shrugging and pushing someone away? What about "she refuses to admit"? That makes it sound like she's already cheating on Gabe. Looking at other people is not cheating on someone?? You can still appreciate someone's physique while you're in a relationship. So, why the "she refuses to admit" (which is also telling and not showing, even if it did make sense! The dialogue should already get whatever this is across, instead of you trying to spell it out for the reader)

Aliyah gives me an are-you-kidding-me look.


What kind of look is that? Is she scowling? Are her eyebrows really high? How is she giving Cici this look?


Surely, if Cici is this in love with Jason, they know each other already? She has talked to him before, right? Why is she acting so nervous towards him? I get the initial, first-developing-feelings stage has that intimidation effect, but if you're in love with someone, are you really that afraid to talk to them?


I can see Gabe and Jason and me and Aliyah holler


I had to read this a few times, because it reads like she's seeing all four of them hollering and shouting, when I think you mean something more like "Aliyah and I hollered and shouted in support of Gabe and Jason" (it should already be implied that they're playing and that would be who the girls are rooting for instead of, again, having to explain it to the reader)

Neverlyn played harder than I thought, but Jason's teams was much better and more skilled.


"Jason's team" not "Jason's teams" as I assume he isn't like, playing double agent or something. Also, what was the point in mentioning that Neverlyn "was the best at everything" earlier if they're so incompetent now? What makes Jason's team so much more skilled? Are they more coordinated? Were they faster?

Their star quarterback was sick, but we'll take it."


Can't say I haven't been there before haha. I know I was just critiquing this, and I still think it's a bit of a stretch, but man do I know how a game can go when your best player can't make it.


You have some typos, grammatical errors, and there seems to be places where there are unnaturally spaced words? I didn't want to fill my review with technical stuff though, but I know that's often not all that helpful.
I do have to wonder why you ended it on a cliffhanger? I don't know what he'll say, of course, I'm assuming it's going to be something like a confession or asking Cici out on a date, in which case I don't think it's necessary to split that up. But maybe he's going to ask her to be his partner in crime, stealing from the rich and giving to poor! Maybe he's about to ask her to come join a secret cult! I don't know what he's going to ask (those would be some delicious twists though, and therefore I approve of a cliffhanger if it's something you wouldn't normally expect. I felt it should be brought to attention, regardless)


What stands out to me most are two things: there's too much telling and not enough showing. You're holding your readers hand and assuming they can't understand what you're trying to get across based on context/description/what you are showing them. Which, sure, sometimes your reader won't get what you're trying to get across, but right now, you're very far away from that (it's a hard scale to balance, believe me, I know!) and you need to start using the showing and refraining from telling. It makes your prose much richer and colourful.
And continuing off of that for the second thing- there's not enough description. I have no idea what your characters surroundings are. What colours are there around? What kinds of building? What kinds of smell? This goes back to the five senses thing I asked about earlier. I'm a huge sucker for description (sometimes too much so actually ;D), and when there is none to be found, it's hard for me to get into a story. I want to be able to put myself in the protagonist's shoes and to feel what they're feeling. I can't do that when I don't know what they're shoes look like (this is a metaphor, you don't have to describe your characters shoes haha).


I know this was a very critical review. I'm sorry for that. I'm sure your story is much more than I'm making it out to be! Please keep on writing, I'd love to see where you go with it :)

I hope you're having a wonderful time!






Thank you so much, and don%u2019t worry about being too critical. This is what will help me with my writing in the future.



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Wed Mar 13, 2019 3:06 am
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Honora wrote a review...



Hey Tiny!I'm going to start by saying BECAUSE WHAT? Good cliffhanger because you are driving me CRAZY! ;)
Anyway,review time. I caught a few things so here goes....I found that this chapter wasn't as good as the others. The story was fine but there was something different in your writing that made it a bit hard to read. I think it is because you used a lot of short sentences and it just disrupted the flow of your work. This sentence particularly, " I can see Gabe and Jason and me and Aliyah holler and shout for the both of them," you used "and" four times and it was too much. It made it really hard to get what you were saying. There were a few spelling mistakes but that's no biggie. I'm sure when you reread you will catch them.
Other than that, it was good. :) The pace of your work is good and I don't feel like it's too slow. I also love Gabe for some reason so you will be hearing from me when you post more! :D
Your friend,
Honora






Thank you for the review.. I%u2019m so surprised that u always review my stuff so quickly, but I%u2019m glad. Oh, and hey I guess that%u2019s something you and Aliyah have in common. You BOTH like GAbe. Lol



Honora says...


No problem! Lol yes he is cute ;)




Lots of times you have to pretend to join a parade in which you're not really interested in order to get where you're going.
— Christopher Darlington Morley