I really like it! I’m just catching up so that I can review your new stuff! 👍🏼
Basketball season started about two week ago, but I have never felt more nervous as I got ready for my first game today. Of course, it wasn’t the very fist game I ever played. There was flag football too, which for some reason surprises most boys when I tell them that I was MVP and the quarterback of my team.
I mean, Hello! I’m not just your average girl.
Anyway, I learned to love the adrenaline coursing through my veins and the strategy behind football. I also loved it when I pulled their flags, made touch downs, and the way their coach would get upset, but playing basketball today was....different. It’s not a bad thing. In fact, it has nothing to do with the game itself. It was who was watching me that made my heart skip a beat.
Jason Sanchez. He was a boy that used to go to my school, but transferred to a different one last year. What made him stand out was the fact that I kinda had a crush on him for like three years. Then I stopped around junior high. I guess, I realized that having a crush on him was too much of a pressure. That was when I found out he was leaving. The fact that it made me shocked and hurt surprised me. I didn’t think that I still had feelings for him. Not even a tiny bit.
Then again, he was the only person I was able to talk to when I had some other drama with some other boy. I remember he said, “He told me that you were too perfect.”
I gawked at him. “How am I perfect? I don’t see how that is a bad thing.”
He smiled and turned away, “There’s nothing wrong with that.”
Just like that, he left. I stood there not being able to know what to make up of what he had just said. I replayed it over and over in my head. I couldn’t help feeling confused about what I felt about him. He was a “mystery” boy to me, and so when he left I was so sad. Where was I ever going to find a boy like him in a thousand years? During that summer, I was still sad that I would never see him again. I prayed that I would be able to see his goofy smile and his eyes that always sparkle with curiosity and mischief.
Well,I guess my prayers were answered.
As I walked into the gymnasium, one of the first things that caught my eye was the huge score board. We didn’t have one in our school since our basketball court was outside. Then after deciding to forget about how lame my school was, I went over to one side of the basketball court and warmed up with the rest of my team.
“Huddle up!” My coach suddenly yelled.
My team and I gathered around him and listened as he assigned us positions. Then there was the loud buzzing noise. I had never heard one in real life so hearing it for the first time and out of nowhere, made me jump in surprise. I looked towards the group of kids who were in charge of triggering the buzzard. Then I saw him!
His light brown hair stood out in the crowd and his Star Wars jacket was like a flashlight flashing in my face. I couldn’t believe it! My heart started to race and I suddenly became short of breath. For a second, I wanted to laugh at myself for thinking that Jason Sanchez, the boy I have been praying to see one more time, was here. Then I saw his brother and that was when I accepted the fact that he really was here.
He was surrounded by his friends, but he somehow managed to look in my direction. Our eyes met for just one second. He had that slight, goofy smile. That look that I loved and missed. Then I suddenly realized something. Jason was going to watch me play basketball the whole time!
I didn’t have enough time to gather my thoughts. The ref called us over. I swear I could feel his eyes still on me. Why did it have to be like this, I thought. Then I heard that buzzard go off. The game had started. “Shit.” I whispered to myself as I ran to my position on defense.
This was a good chapter. There wasn't too much I didn't like, however, there were a few paragraphs that didn't flow that well to me. For example, the paragraph where you talked about her missing Jason. The paragraph felt rushed, and you kept using the world sad. You told us, "I couldn't help feeling sad." Don't tell us, show us. There was also some areas where you forgot a space, or incorrect grammar here and there. All you have to do is go through it again. Also, I hope to see some development with the girls personality. It is early, though, so you have time. Same with Jason.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this, I think you could go somewhere with this story! Keep on writing!
Hey again! I'm back for another review 
it wasn’t the very first game I ever played
Then, after deciding to forget about how lame my school was, I went over to one side of the basketball court and warmed up with the rest of my team.
I had never heard one in real life so hearing it for the first time and out of nowhere, made me jump in surprise.
Whoops, posting this again because I forgot to mark it as a review XD Hi! Just stopping by for a quick review! It looks like you have a pretty good high school romance being set up here. There are a few issues with it that keep it from flowing smoothly and I'll try to explain them as best I can!
I like that your characters have a history, however I think there's a better way you could introduce it. You start out introducing a story about a girl who defies the expectations of boys and plays sports (that's how I read it at least). However, as soon as she sees Jason, she goes into this long internal monologue all about him, completely interrupting the sportsy part of it. It's really hard to balance something like this. I think you need to decide at first which one you need to focus on, the basketball game or the backstory. You can definitely throw in some references throughout the game if you decide to go that route. However, I think the smoothest way to do it would be to put the flashback scene first in real time and add in a live account of him leaving then do a time jump to the basketball game (If that doesn't make sense, let me know and I'll try to explain it better). I will say that if you choose to start it with the flashback, it will definitely put the focus mostly on the romantic side of things.
I hope this was helpful, if anything is confusing let me know and I'll elaborate!
Hi! Just stopping by for a quick review! It looks like you have a pretty good high school romance being set up here. There are a few issues with it that keep it from flowing smoothly and I'll try to explain them as best I can!
I like that your characters have a history, however I think there's a better way you could introduce it. You start out introducing a story about a girl who defies the expectations of boys and plays sports (that's how I read it at least). However, as soon as she sees Jason, she goes into this long internal monologue all about him, completely interrupting the sportsy part of it. It's really hard to balance something like this. I think you need to decide at first which one you need to focus on, the basketball game or the backstory. You can definitely throw in some references throughout the game if you decide to go that route. However, I think the smoothest way to do it would be to put the flashback scene first in real time and add in a live account of him leaving then do a time jump to the basketball game (If that doesn't make sense, let me know and I'll try to explain it better). I will say that if you choose to start it with the flashback, it will definitely put the focus mostly on the romantic side of things.
I hope this was helpful, if anything is confusing let me know and I'll elaborate!
Um...... I guess it's fine, but the thing is that you've left a lot of writing and spelling mistakes. Also, the point when the first person is talking to the kid; she's asking him how she's too perfect and he says something completely different. I think that your idea is good, but it needs some thing more.
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