Resist or Regret (Ch.2)

At the end of the game, I was sitting on the sidelines tired and sore. We had lost by two points and it irritated me that we did not win. I wiped the sweat off from my forehead and leaned on my best friend, Aliyah. None of the other girls on my team were quite happy either. Although our coach seemed postive, it was clear that Coach Avery had hopes as well. 

“Don’t worry, guys.” He said. “This was our first game. Think of this as a practice game. Just to see where we are. We played good defense on the first and second quarter. Then we actually got some scores in towards the end. All it matters is that you guys had fun”

I rolled my eyes. 

“But we didn’t win.” Aliyah whispered in my ear.

I nodded, agreeing with her. Who cares if we had fun. What if we didn’t have fun because we didn’t win? I looked around at my teammates. They slouched and some just stared at the ground. No matter what the coach had said, it didn’t seem to raise their spirits. Coach Avery must’ve seen his lecture was useless becasue he threw hands up in the air and sighed. “Guys, c’mon. We have more games coming up. You can’t just let this one game pull you down.”

Aliyah and I glanced at each other. We breathed deeply at the same time and shrugged. We stepped closer to the coach and put our hands out. Coach Avery’s face lit up and smiled once he saw us. “C’mon guys. Let’s show ‘em some love.”

The rest of our team joined us and we counted to three. At three, we all shouted, “Bulldogs!” The name of the other team. Then we stood up and high-fived them. I smiled and nodded my head to the other team, but my focus was somewhere else now. 

I searched for Jason’s face in the busy crowd, but I could not find him anywhere. I stood on my tippy-toes and peered over people’s heads. Where was he, I wondered. Suddenly, Aliyah stepped beside me. I didn’t pay her much attention until she began to poke me in the arm. At last, when I couldn’t take it anymore, I turned and glared at her. “What?” I shoved her arm away.

“Who you looking for?” She inquired. 

“No one.”

She bit her lip, “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

She rolled her eyes and stepped in front of me to block my view. I scowled at her. “Oh. My. God, Celine. Are you serious? You don’t have to pretend that you didn’t see him too.” 

I sighed, defeated. I was planning to keep my feelings a secret, but I guess you can never hide anything from the person you’ve been friends with since you were both five years-old. I breathed and looked away from her while she began to squeal and jump.  I tried to hide the smile that began to form on my face. “Look, when I found out that Jason was transferring, I felt kinda sad. I wanted to say goodbye, but I never had the chance to. So I was hoping that today would be the right time to talk to him.”

Aliyah’s grin only got wider. “Ooohhh. You want to talk to Jason.” She chanted. 

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah well, I’m sorry to break it to you, but I may not be able to.”

Her grin disappeared. “Why?” She asked a little bit to loudly. Suddenly, a few people glanced at us. 

I pinched Aliyah and shushed her instantly. “BECAUSE... I can’t seem to find him anywhere.” I say under my breath. “I think he left before the game ended because I didn’t see him.”

Aliyah sighed. She looked around at the busy  crowd around us, trying to see if she could spot him anywhere. She grabbed my wrist and began to lead me through the crowd. We searched desperately together. I felt glad that Aliyah was doing this with me. She was such a good friend. 

Then I hear someone calling my name. I am filled with hope as I search for the source of the voice, but then that hope is crushed when I realize that it isn’t Jason, but my uncle. My shoulders droop and I glance at Aliyah one more time. She smiles with pity. “Maybe next time.” She says. “See you tomorrow.” 

“ ‘Kay.” I wave goodbye to her. As I jog to my uncle, I still search on the corner of my eyes for Jason. It made me feel silly that I was this desperate, but how could I not be? I wanted to talk to Jason so badly. I guess things weren’t meant to be. 

 Once I reach my uncle, he squeezes me in a hug and pats me on the back. “Good job.” He praises. 

I smile ever so slightly. Sure, I thought.  As we exit out of gymnasium, I am filled with so many emotions that I couldn’t seem to quite sort out. I felt sad that I wasn’t able to talk to him just once. There were so many thigs that I wanted to admit to him, but then there was this other part of me that believed that this wasn’t going to be the last time I would see him. This high hope made me realize how vulnerable I was to a heartbreak. What if he has a girlfriend? Would I be happy for him or sad?

I replay the way he looked at me in my head. It made me feel happy, but sad that there is a chance that I would never be able to see him again. I guess I would never know for sure if I would ever meet him in person ever again. 

On the ride home, I silently pray my thanks to God for allowing me to see Jason one more time.

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Once I had gotten home, I kicked my backpack next to my bedroom door and collapse on my bed in exasperation. I was sore and tired from the game. The idea of homework made me groan, and I just layed in bed for a while not wanting to get up at all. Most of all, I didn’t want to go downstairs. 

“Cie! Get down here now.” My aunt yells.

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block her voice. Here we go again, I roll my eyes. I walk out of my room and stomp downstairs. The light in the kitchen should seem welcoming to me, but it only brings me dread. I walk in the kitchen cautiously and I see my aunt in her robe and her her hair high in a bun. She glares at me, “You think you can just go upstairs and do nothing?” She hissed. 

I grab my lunch pale and quickly begin to wash it. I try not to get within five feet near her. Her presence made me feel like a lion trapped in a cage. I had the ability to get far away from her, but if I ever dared to do so, she would take out a whip and hit me until I would bleed. I do my best to do what she asks,  but deep inside I learn to ignore the harsh words that stab me everyday. 

Then my younger brother, Andrew,  walks in and my aunt’s face lights up. I look away and roll my eyes at the injustice. She said that she didn’t have favorites, but it was clear that she would cry if my brother ever went away to college and just sigh in relief  if I ever did. She even said it so herself.  “I’ll raise you until you move out of my house.” She would say bitterly. 

Before, it would hurt but now I accept the idea of leaving. 

“So what did you today?” She asks  in a pleasant voice as she sits down on the able next to Andrew. 

“Oh nothing much.” He replies.  “Just the average school work.”

I scrub the dishes faster as anger  beings to boil up inside of me. Why could my life be as easy as his? I wish I could come home without a worry in the world. Most of the time, I don’t even know what I do wrong. 

I hear my aunt saying something under her breath to my brother, and I waited for what I had to do next. 

“If you want food, you can go and get it.” My brother says to me for my aunt. That was my aunt’s way of talking to me. She would have my brother say it for her. A silent treatment, you could say, but a silent treatment that lasted for years. 

I eat a small portion of food because I don’t have much of an appetite. Then, after washing my dishes, I head to my room and slam the door behind me. I take my jacket off and throw it at my mirror in fury. Why did I feel so out of place in my home?  When the world was nicer than your own home, it hurts. It should be vise versa. When the world kills and tears your very soul, you should be able to come home and just let yourself out. It’s like being outside in the cold. You are shivering and frightened, but then when you come home you think you’re safe, but instead you get splashed by freezing water. 

That was how it was like at my house. 

The only time I was able to let the demons out, was when everyone was asleep at night and no one would  hear me crying.  Most of the time, I would just cry myself to sleep

I sigh and take out my laptop, the only electronic I have. No phone because my aunt doesn’t trust me. The first thing that I see is that I have an email by Aliyah. I open it up in Gmail. 

Aliyah:  Hey.  I need to show you something. 

I reread it again. At first, I am confused. What would she want to show me? So I email her back. 

Me: What is it?  

 After sending it, I wait a while for her to reply. I  tap my fingers on the keyboard in impatience. A part of me wanted to believe that it was nothing important, but Aliyah never emailed to me unless it was. So it must be important. At last, she replied, but what she had said only made me more confused.