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the return of chip douglas

by tigeraye


what? Don’t scream, Mice said.

Mice’s mom put her hoands on the hips and frowned. “Why does it matter if I did it or not?” she sad. “You know better than that anyway.”

Mice didn’t do anything wrong, but his Mom thought he did drugs! That’s why she acted so foul to him ALL THE TIME! But she didn’t know that. And so they hated each other alot. They argued constantly. Since Mice was three all she really did was yell at him. Then he met a girl named Susanne. She had blonde hair, blue eyes and black hair. They went to the mall alot and talked about their problems. And also movies because they both liked movies.

“Yes,” Emily said. “Are you sure you don’t want to go to movies with me?”

Mice frowned. “No, I don’t want to go to the movies with you. Sorry.”\

Mice went home and got yelled at by his brother. He went outside and tripped in the mud. He heard a loud noise, it was his mom screaming. what? Don’t scream, Mice said.

Mice’s mom put her hoands on the hips and frowned. “Why does it matter if I did it or not?” she sad. “You know better than that anyway.”

Mice didn’t do anything wrong, but his Mom thought he did drugs! That’s why she acted so foul to him ALL THE TIME! But she didn’t know that. And so they hated each other alot. They argued constantly. Since Mice was three all she really did was yell at him. Then he met a girl named Susanne. She had blonde hair, blue eyes and black hair. They went to the mall alot and talked about their problems. And also movies because they both liked movies.

“Yes,” Emily said. “Are you sure you don’t want to go to movies with me?”

Mice frowned. “No, I don’t want to go to the movies with you. Sorry.”\

Mice went home and got yelled at by his brother. He went outside and tripped in the mud. He heard a loud noise, it was his mom screaming.

what? Don’t scream, Mice said.

Mice’s mom put her hoands on the hips and frowned. “Why does it matter if I did it or not?” she sad. “You know better than that anyway.”

Mice didn’t do anything wrong, but his Mom thought he did drugs! That’s why she acted so foul to him ALL THE TIME! But she didn’t know that. And so they hated each other alot. They argued constantly. Since Mice was three all she really did was yell at him. Then he met a girl named Susanne. She had blonde hair, blue eyes and black hair. They went to the mall alot and talked about their problems. And also movies because they both liked movies.

“Yes,” Emily said. “Are you sure you don’t want to go to movies with me?”

Mice frowned. “No, I don’t want to go to the movies with you. Sorry.”\

Mice went home and got yelled at by his brother. He went outside and tripped in the mud. He heard a loud noise. He looked in front of him and Gertrude was chasing a squirrel with Alexa, his other sister. “What are you doing chasing a squirrel for,” he said with a frown. “I…I don’t know, Alexa said.” But instead of chasing it, she ran inside. Then Emily pulled into the driveway and the three of them talked and decided to see a movie. Once at the movie, Mice started to cr.y

“Why are you crying” Alexa said.

“Because I’m sad” Mice said.

They hugged and Alexa told Mice that it would be all better. Then Mice started to jump around and felt better. They saw another movie.

Mice and Alexa started to date but then he learned that she smoked marijuana. And his mom hates Marijauna. SO they started arguing about her. And Mice got kicked out of the home> And Alexa broke up with him.

The three of them were never going to get along, so Mice decided he would run away forever. Hecame back twenty years later and they made up.

“Sorry,” Mice said. “I don’t think we should’ve fought”

“I agree” his mom says

And they lived HAPPILY EVER AFTER


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121 Reviews


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Reviews: 121

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Sun Feb 28, 2016 11:40 pm
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WritingWolf wrote a review...



WWolf here for a review. Nice to meet you. :)

First off, you have this classified as a script, but it isn't in the format for a script. What is it a script for? Plays, films, and radio dramas all have different formats. So whichever this is for just do a quick google search of how to format it, also reading some would help too.
Unless this is a short story and you just accidentally labeled it wrong in which case everything I've just said is irrelevant. lol

Your opening sentence is good, it catches the reader's attention. I'm a bit confused as to if Mice actually said that or if she thought it. (you said said but you didn't put it in quotation marks). I don't really see how it ties into the next bit.

In the first paragraph you have two typos, "hoands" instead of "hands" and "the" instead of "her".


Mice didn’t do anything wrong, but his Mom thought he did drugs! That’s why she acted so foul to him ALL THE TIME! But she didn’t know that. And so they hated each other alot. They argued constantly. Since Mice was three all she really did was yell at him. Then he met a girl named Susanne. She had blonde hair, blue eyes and black hair. They went to the mall alot and talked about their problems. And also movies because they both liked movies.


I see several things I personally would change in this paragraph. First off, the fact that his mom thinks he does drugs is the perfect kind of thing to show instead of tell. It's the kind of thing that flows smoothly in dialogue without ever actually saying it and leaving it for the reader to assume. If I where you I wouldn't pass up this opportunity. It's little things like that that really make a piece shine.
"Since Mice was three..." I interpreted (at first) as "Because Mice was three..." and I was like that doesn't even make sense. So then I had to go back and try to figure out what you meant. I believe you meant "Ever since Mice was three..." If you worded it that way it'd be easier for the reader to understand in the first go.
Is it a typo or do you mean that Susanne has both blonde and black hair?


“Yes,” Emily said. “Are you sure you don’t want to go to movies with me?”

Mice frowned. “No, I don’t want to go to the movies with you. Sorry.”\


Who is Emily?
Having Mice say the whole thing back sounds a bit redundant. I would stick with just "No, sorry".

The next bit is a repeat of the above. I'm going to guess that means you copy-and-pasted this from somewhere else and things got out of order. So, yeah.


Everything sounds really rushed. Is this supposed to be an outline? I feel like you're just stating all the major things and not really doing anything with them. The first bit sounds like a story, and then the second half sounds like an outline, but it's labeled as a script, so I really don't know what it is.

Overall I think the plot sounds really cool. There is a lot you could do with Mice's character development that would be super awesome. I do hope you post more of it on YWS as you work on it. It really does sound good.

One last thing, I don't get the title. I didn't see anyone named Chip Douglas. Unless, of course, that is Mice's real name, in which case you need to make that more clear.


So, I hope I've said something useful. (lol) I can't wait to see what this turns into! As always, keep writing!




tigeraye says...


If you want me to be honest with you, this was an intentionally terrible story because i wanted to see if people would be honest towards reviewing a mediocre story, rather than sugarcoat it and make me not seem terrible. I wrote it in about 2 minutes and used it with points i had already spent on a story i accidentally uploaded and then pulled. With how long it took for reviews, I think people just tend to ignore stories that aren't high quality.

Thank you for reviewing regardless, but you and TaylorAllen don't need to act like it isn't really bad XD



WritingWolf says...


I believe the reason it took so long to get a review is because of how many reviews are in the green room, not because of quality. (compared to some that are still in there 16 days isn't very long, there's one from December)

That is a really interesting test you did.

From my experience on YWS I find reviews try to always have a mix of compliments and constructive criticism, regardless of how good the piece is (you can always find something). How much you get of each depends more on the person reviewing and less on the piece.
So while this is an interesting test, I don't know if it was necessarily accurate. So much is dependent on who the reviewer is. Some people sugarcoat everything, some people are always harsh, most tend to be in the middle.



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Sun Feb 28, 2016 11:31 pm
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TaylorAllen wrote a review...



Hallo! Serious review time. First, dialogue is formatted like this: "This is a quote," she said.
"alot" is two words: "a lot"
in the second line, the mom "sad" instead of "said"
also, at the beginning of the story, you're using past tense and at the end it's present tense.
Susanne apparently has two different hair colors.
Mice is three? How does age work in this universe? Thirteen makes more sense.
You also need to mess around with tenses because you start with one scene, go back, and come back to the first scene without any real indication of doing so.
You also need to work with scene vs exposition. There's a lot of 'he did this,' 'he did that,' instead of actually showing us.
You need more character development on the sisters and other characters, if you want this to be a serious story. Beyond that, I think the plot can be refined nicely so this is a great story! Good luck!




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Thu Feb 25, 2016 12:08 am
tigeraye says...



why wont anyone review this excellent story




WritingWolf says...


The green room is pretty full so it'll just take a little time.




Make sure you marry someone who laughs at the same things you do.
— Holden Caulfield