Bare with me please, it's been a minute since I've written a poem.
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---- I used to watch you.
Used to be proud.
---- I thought silence was the answer,
Especially in that unfamiliar crowd.
tick tock.
---- Even so, you still held my hand.
Held me in your arms.
---- Let me sit and listen.
And when I got overwhelmed, you let me create distance.
tick tock.
---- Though, not from you. Never from you.
Wherever I went, you weren't too far from view.
---- In return, I did the same thing.
Now, I'm not sure if I regret it, or miss the memories.
tick tock.
---- I remember movie nights.
I always fell asleep.
---- It never bothered you,
You stayed until the morning.
tick tock.
---- I remember game nights,
When we had friends around.
---- You never strayed far, always right by my side . . .
But then I turned around.
And the timer was going,
d
o
w
n
---- Suddenly, you're gone.
Missing from air.
---- Suddenly, I'm suffocating,
And can't go anywhere.
tick tock.
---- You said, "It's empty. Can't you feel it?"
The answer was, "No!",
---- But I was too scared to say it.
Instead I said, "What are you suggesting we do to fix it?"
The timer drops from 10 to 5.
---- I thought we were fine,
But it was all crashing down.
---- 1 day, 6 hours, 2 minutes and somehow,
I lost.
.
I lost at the countdown.
.
There is no more clock.
---- I knew it would end.
All good things must.
---- But I had hopes,
For you and me. For us.
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138,956 Literary Works • 672,361 Reviews
Hey Taost! In honor of review month, I will be reviewing your work countdown. (tick tock.)
This poem feels like falling down a well (in a really good way)!
The structure, flow, and rhyme of this poem creates a momentum that ends up being diminished in the end by the losing of time. It finishes in an unsatisfying way because as a reader, we do not want the time to run out as it's clear the importance of it to the narrator.
The repetition of "tick tock" created an unsettling feeling through the poem as we navigate this narrative and reflection. It built suspense yet kept the poem grounded in the central motif of time and the impact it has on memories, people, and relationships. So really great job at showing that through the structure, language, and pacing of this work.
I love the creativity and the visual representation of "down". Also, the switch between indented and regular lines also aided in the momentum and visual aspect of this poem.
Some suggestions:
Some lines felt a little difficult while reading because they felt "clunkier" as compared to the shorter lines that kept up with the rhythm and momentum of the poem. For the sake of flow, I would make sure the syllables of the line feel natural when speaking out loud, even the difference of changing 1 syllable can really help the flow of the poem!
Overall, this is a really amazing poem full of emotion and art all wrapped up into one piece about time! Keep writing and God bless.
Hellooo!!! This is a really great poem!! There is so much of it that stands out while remaining to have that simplistic language and word usage!
Right away, I notice the lines made up of hyphens shifting some lines. I'm assuming it's a stylistic choice, rather than a way to shift the lines towards the left because of the platform's editor acting odd about shifting the lines with spaces. It's an interesting look! Not really one I prefer myself because of its looks (or perhaps I'm just not used to it!), but regardless it's an idea still interesting and makes your poem stand out!!
While the other lines use capitalization, these are the only lines with an period as an ending that doesn't use capitalization. I think that is a really interesting look that gives emphasis on the subtle, light ticking in the background that is an image and sound supposed to come to us—I really like it! It gives a subtle quality to a blatant indicator of a build-up ("Tick tick"), because of how softer it looks with no capitalization.
I notice the poem's language is very casual. It's direct in giving us a piece of the speaker's memories in a way that doesn't need to be "poetic" in the traditional sense of extended, purple prose, but is poetic in the way that is grounding. Being held in someone's arms, those movie nights, and those game nights, are already poetic enough to not wrap those memories in more complicated prose.
Alongside that, "down" is yet another example of experimentation, and it gives such an interesting look! It's formatted as the waterfall the speaker drowns in, feels themselves suffocating in. It adds a lot to the (already) interesting look to the poem!!
There's this vagueness, but also this underlying factor of an inevitable doom and heaviness to these lines that says so much without being direct, which is just simply great. The "No!" as an answer is so powerful—the pure determination to remain hopeful that something is whole, despite it not being truth, is very heartbreaking and real.
The fact this detail is so specific is simply heartbreaking. It's a unique way of showing the deep investment, and the grief that came with it, from the speaker!
Overall, this is such a great, lovely poem!! The emotional investment and the grief is just conveyed here so much. The vulnerability here is so raw, and shines through how grounding the language is. I also love that the poem, in a sense, has it's own "texture" to it due to its experimentation with formatting!! While the poem remains to be grounded, the experimentation adds to its complexities! Keep writing!!!
I thank you on taking your time to write a review on this. I'll give you some insight here, haha.
I was never really keen on poetry. I was more of a flash fiction writer, a lyricist. Poetry was how I cleared away annoying thoughts I didn't understand. What I did here instead was I implemented emotions. I hadn't really done that before.
I didn't really expect people to understand how I wrote it or what it meant. My visuals are always different. In most of my poems, you will see the second line typically pushed out more. This poem has those lines intentionally, I'm glad you noticed. It's to resemble the swaying movement in a grandfather clock.
I'm really happy to hear that you gutted the meaning of my poem. literally, it was meant to be casual but painful. If it helps any, it was meant more for the spoken poetry side of things.
But I'm happy you enjoyed it! <3
aw you're welcome!! and honestly thank you for taking your time to give me more insight on this poem and you as an author! of course, you did express yourself here so well and to use poetry in that way is great.
i understand the value in experimenting with formatting and movement in poetry - it adds a lot to the poem and is a great expression of an author's intention (even i like to shift and push lines too! though differently from how its done here). how it "looks" to someone doesn't determine if its a valid form of expression, since it already is a valid form of expression regardless of its "looks", so keep doing you!! this was great!
also loved that specific comment on the movement - i didn't see that connection! i was glad to be able to read this poem and feel the emotion here. again, thank you for your reply! keep writing!!