"Did it hurt?" I often ask.
"When you left, did it hurt?" I'll repeat again.
Typically, I won't receive a response.
Just a little red message that says I'm blocked.
~
And that's okay. It's alright.
Maybe blocking me was the best idea in mind.
But I can't help but remember all the times,
You'd hold me and carry me through the night.
~
When the storm was too much,
When the winds blew hard,
When the rain poured down,
Even when you knew our fort couldn't stand its ground,
~
You'd stayed.
You held on.
What made you change your mind?
What made you let go?
~
"Carry me," I remember asking, I had begged.
Not because I wanted to be pampered,
But because I physically couldn't stand.
And maybe that was the last straw.
~
Because not soon after, you set me down.
You let go.
"Carry me," the person before me asked.
So I reached out. But I knew, soon, I would understand.
~
Why you left me alone? That, I won't know,
"Carry me," is all I can hear.
"Carry me, please, please, carry me home."
I'll only blink. Carry you home? Well, what about me?
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138,956 Literary Works • 672,355 Reviews
Hia Tao!
(Am I putting off reading your script? MAYBE!!!!)
I already like that you use a ~ to separate your stanzas. Looks rly nice :3
I also like the throughline of being carried. And I like this line: “Even when you knew our fort wouldn't hold,” (I KNOW it’s a stylistic choice but I’d still wish this were a period at the end and not a comma qq)
Bc it kinda implies that this person stuck with them for a long time and tried to make a bad situation bearable against all odds.
And I wonder if the lyrical narrator learnt something at all when the “person before them” (I kept imagining a long line of ppl) asks to be carried and the narrator immediately does try to do that. Or if “the person before me” is meant to be the same person that set the narrator down? I guess there’s some stuff I don’t rly understand.
But I like how it comes across that afterwards the narrator becomes the person everyone turns to to ask for help. And that maybe this is the reason why they relied so hard on their Significant Other to be carried bc they used to carry the whole world. And then, the SO doesn’t keep their end of the deal, doesn’t help in their way and leave the narrator with the burdens of everyone else as well as their own…
The final line is especially sad. ☹
Hope you’re doing all right.
Thank you!
I wrote this when I was having a hard relationship dynamic. My ex always held me close, listened to my fears, and did his best. Regardless, I always held the thought that 'It will never last'. Soon, he'd leave. I knew that, deep down I knew that.
When he left, I cried, not because I expected it, but because I was starting to think that we would make it. We didn't, clearly, and I struggled immensely to face it. I still do to this day.
The person I mentioned that was "before me" was a spin off on a guy I had been talking to, who had deeply loved me, but I just couldn't feel the same. This man wanted to be near me, wanted to spend time with me, but I just couldn't find myself wanting the same. I tried to avoid him, too scared to hurt someone like that.
He had pretty much begged me to give it a shot, but in the end I ended up snapping and telling him to back off. I wasn't interested.
I think I wrote this late at night to clear my mind lol
GO READ THAT SCREENPLAY BEFORE I THROW MORE OUT!!!
Love,
~ taost
Hmm I think I'm starting to get what poetry is all about. It's giving a voice to the feelings you are currently having, huh?
Thank you for all the explanations, I really appreciate that. I also can related to being loved by someone but not being able to give back because I've experienced... something else before and which overshadowed everything that came after.
You know I would read your stories faster if you suddenly developed the deep urge to read digimon fic and answer the question in the comments =D (It is beginner friendly! Kinda! And I bet you will find plenty of stuff to complain about~)
In any case, thanks for sharing and keep poeting :3
I will definitely peak into it. I need something to do.
Most of my poems are based off of scrambled thoughts and emotions, yes. For me, that is. It's different for everyone. I use poetry as a means to sort through my emotions and thoughts and declutter.
This often happens at 3AM when I can't sleep and can't get something off my mind.
Hey there! So, I just had to say, your poem hit hard. You did a good job of capturing everything a relationship is... and that sense of being left behind after.
The flow was really well done, too. You used enjambment + alliteration which makes it easy to read.
I liked the ending, also; it's cool that you managed to bring about the transformation from hurt to aceptance without compromising on the feeling of rejection.
My favourite line: "Carry me," the person before me asked.
The person before me: like you've come to see your friend as a person too, just liked= you, with their own needs?
Only one improvement to suggest: 'So I reached out. But I knew, soon, I would understand why you left me alone.' Feels a bit long - i'd put a line break somewhere
Thank you for the review! I'll do some editting! <3
Hello, Greyhound here. I hope this review/message finds you well. I find your poetry quite enjoyable — a little dark. But poetry is supposed to be a way to relieve some of the emotions you’re feeling at the time you’re writing it, or something corny like that.
The thoughts and feelings that come through my mind when I read this are of someone in a relationship coming to an end because the other person in the relationship couldn’t come to terms with the fact that the first person was, for lack of better words, damaged, and they didn’t want to put up with it anymore. I like your short and sweet, to-the-point style. Many words strung together can put a picture in your mind’s eye, and you do that quite well.
There’s a religious poem that my grandparents loved about a person walking down a beach with God. When they look back, they only see one set of footprints, and they ask God, “I thought you were with me the entire time.” He said, “When there was just one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.”
Thank you for the review! <3
You're words are kind, and I remember my own grandmother mentioning that poem to me before. You're right, the feelings in this poem, the person letting go, but the last stanza was intentional too.
It's always an endless cycle. Feelings get pushed around. We might not understand someones actions now, but once we are in their shoes, we do. I felt the need to point that out for some reason.
yup yup
This is so good! I really enjoy the emotional quality. The paragraph spacing is well-paced and thought out. I like the use of dialogue, which you don't usually see in poems. This is relatable and wholesome to a reader. It's impressive when I can find a really good poet. Keep up the good work!
Thank you! <3
Ofc!
This is really good!