Headphones on.
I am singing along
and I hear something divine,
a godly voice, at its best.
(I am astonished.)
Headphones off.
I am humming
and I hear a croak,
of devil's very own brother.
(I am confused.)
Mirror
He stares in my face, he's
tackier, can smile with lips shut,
totally likable; but not like the one
I know: crooked teeth, stupid looking
paranoid creature; and bad breath.
(I am lost.)
Outdoors
I see the wind and I see
it blowing in my face but
I don't feel it; I don't
know the chill it sends down
my spine and I don't shiver.
(I am scared.)
It's like I don't know myself
or, am I even myself?
The hotshot denies, the mirror
too and the wind so I can't:
I have changed!
(I am left to wonder.)
What did I do to myself?
Where have I come?
Will I ever wake up;
and if so, will I like myself?
Now, do I even know what that is?
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140,198 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
I really like your concept and the change in mood as i read. but there was something that prevented me to connect all the stanza's in a single work
first of all the last paragraph left the reader [ and also you as i guess] in a flood of questions. i think exchanging the last para with the first will make this poem more appropriate.
secondly do you see yourself as the devil, then i would like to know why is it so. perhaps you can just look at the mirror and let it show the past incident and then come to the conclusion
i like your use of brackets to show your emotions but i would prefer the use of some stronger words
your writing was quite long for the emotions that you portrayed, in no way is this a drawback but i think making it a bit more compact and packing it with some more emotions would make it better...
your writing was really good and please don't mind my nitpick, i hope you will take my opinions sportingly and i hope i could help you
keep writing
Rituparna
Thank you for the review. I appreciate your help and your concern but Rituparna the only reason I posted it was to learn my mistakes and to do better the next time. So don't you worry, I'll keep in mind your suggestions. Thanks again.
It feels like you are watching a movie. It felt like it was being described to me. I like how you described the emotion in detail. The paragraphs were all different seizes, it made it hard to stay focused. It was interesting to see your writing style. I like the concept of the poem, it was very unique.
Keep up the good work!
Thank you!
Hey, I thought you would like a review.
First off, I liked your poem. It was interesting and I was immediately hooked. But here's the thing. I didn't... connect with the poem. Even though it was in first person, it felt like it was happening to someone else, not me. One thing I have learned with poetry is that it is much better when you connect with the reader and let the reader feel what emotion is surging through this poem. You described the emotion, but you didn't give it to the reader.
Second, Your stanzas (Don't know if I'm using this word right but let's go with it) were all different lengths. It would have been okay if you kept progressing, or increased in lines and then decreased in the middle (for example 1,2,3,4,3,2,1 or 1,2,3,4,5,6 but you went 3,4,5,6,6,6). It can work, but in my opinion, it usually doesn't.
Third, I know this sounds super harsh, but I didn't mean it to be. that is just my reviewing style, considering that I want everyone to have a real review not a fluffy little "you're so amazing" review. Those aren't good for anything. I really like this poem and I would like to see it progress. It had a wonderful mood and I loved the way that you wrote it except for those few things. Continue to work on it and it will be golden! If you need me to, I will gladly explain my thoughts more.
Rachelle
First off, I've had harsher and second, yours wasn't harsh at all. I wrote this in quite a hate as it came to me in a flood of emotions. So I hadn't expected much from this. I'm actually glad from the review. Now I'll have an angle to begin my revision task.
So thank you for the review and you were not harsh at all. Actually you are the type I want my work to be reviewed by. So thank you again and it was very helpful.
Okay, typo alert!
I meant haste not hate. Sorry.
Haha. I am glad I could be of help.