(I put on my earphones.)
The noise is complementing the train
in a melody of its own, in another world,
as if we're different pieces of a puzzle
so different yet all part of this one journey.
[The waiter is here to take an order but sees
me lost in my dreams and he let's me be.]
Melody hits its key strokes on my heart,
the silence between their strikes
paints murals with my blood and in
the divine ecstasy of dews and dots, I dance;
like the cloud has broken it's children free
and in the shower of their insides, I see
god, dancing with me on his chariots
made out of thin air and just nothing else.
[The waiter dances with me on unheard beats,
he too, probably knows god, his children.]
As they splatter against my window to
lose their individuality, I look at the girl
sitting across from me, dancing with her own god;
beautiful, but I don't approach. I let her and
myself lose ourselves in our own worlds
devoid of fear, loneliness and rejections and
there with the god smiling at us, I kneel
and ask, "Will you dance with me?"
[The waiter leaves me alone with her, here turns
to his chores; he's seen enough god for a day.]
(It's the pause between two songs.)
The aroma of alienation fills my lungs, bursting
through my veins, as I look around frantically
for god, for reassurance, for warmth and I don't
find him, rather I'm met with a glistening pair
of eyes eagerly looking at me, comforting me with
their presence, and in that moment I feel full
of grace and blessed, and I know the god has
his home in her heart, that's why she is heavenly.
[The waiter is back with two cups of coffee;
he knows, tells me to go, meet my god.]
(I am talking to her for a while now.)
The coffee has made a moustache on her lips.
We snuggle close to fit in a bubble, as she tells me
about her and asks about me, her eyes lively
And they glisten as I lick the mustache off her.
[The waiter's work is over, he leaves as he has
Many cups to fill, people to meet and beats to dance on.]
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hey.
I enjoyed this poem a lot. I liked the imagery used here and the way you described musical notes. The waiter part, added to it and made it more awesome.
It's a very common topic, but people tend to make it simple and short. You kept it simple but in an extraordinary way, I really liked that. The girl part, it was just a bit loose, not saying it didn't go well, it just felt a little loose, it needs more attention, I know it might not be so important here, but it would make your poem stand out.
Otherwise, I loved this a lot. Good work.
Keep smiling and stay blessed.
xoxo
You too. Thank you for the review.
I really like what you did here with this poem. You kept the tone pretty even throughout and didn't get too high or low at any point, which is actually a quality I look for in poetry. I also like what you did with the parentheses. I think my favorite part was the last stanza in which you "Many cups to fill, people to meet and beats to dance on." I felt like I could really connect with what you were saying and I think it did a really good job concluding your poem. Overall, great job!
Thank you!