I've been experimenting with my spontaneity so I sat down to write a random piece and this is what I got (I also did one or two edits finally) but I'm just not satisfied. I don't write poems like this usually so I have absolutely no idea how it is or what should I do with it next or should I write it further.. So a brutally honest review wold be nice. TEAR IT APART!!
I only need some breaths to sway death
but making you my heart throb, hiding
you in my shadow we'd decided to
merge our souls in one despite
two bodies, and you know, decisions
are lively but I forgot every life
has a cost to be paid. Leaving this
disheartening game of hide and seek
if you could return to your body for a moment
I'd have shown you, how much I love you.
I had many hopes for you, had already
created a mountain out of them,
climbing whose summit I wanted us
to soar with our dreams; and come dusk,
to return our nest hand in hands
but in all this I forgot that the mountains
are cold, and steep and slippery.
Climbing out of the sky's womb,
if you could fly with me for a moment
I'd have shown you; how much I love you.
There, that hill where the sun wakes up
every dawn, I've made a small hut
where light bathes you white in the day;
at the nightfall, stars descend to
play with us. I wanted to show you
that place but in the shadows of night,
I forgot stars take fairies back with them.
Letting go of death's dark sleeve,
if only you could halt for a moment
I'd have shown you how much I love you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,198 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hey there, Mem here for a review on your poem.
Im going to jump right into it and I'll probably go through all the lines if I can, just a fair warning.
Line one
This is perfectly written though I dont know for sure if it's suspenseful or not. I read it with a pause between "Sway" and "Death" but that's just me. Other than that it's perfect not much I can nitpick here.
Line two
I can honestly say that I'm very confused by this line, to me when I read this it really looks like a bunch of words tossed together. Easily fixed by trying to make it more of a complete sentence.
Line three
Try taking the word Hiding from line two and merging it with line three to make it a complete sentence.
It should look something like this.
That's my suggestion, write it how you feel is best.
Or in the case of line four
[quote]merge our souls in one dispite[quote]
Try to merge some words together to make complete sentences because a lot of this are broken sentences and it makes the reading super choppy.
As I read through your poem the broke sentences are consistant through out. I dont know if this was your intention or not but it's really choppy to read. Other than this I have no other nitpicks that I can tell right now. I suggest reading it over and fixing what looks weird to you.
Good luck and keep writing this is a beautful poem.
~Mem
Hello Tuesday here for a review. i like to begin that this poem, could relate to people. I say this since we try to tell to someone how we feel yet when we do or want to, we never get the chance to as we stand there holding our hearts and our thoughts, inside ourselves. Also how you used metaphors to describe what the love you wish to tell someone, is like dying or something. Plus i enjoyed the off-beats in the beginning (as if like a sonnet or something; maybe just a rhyming poem with a off-regular beat).
from reading this stanza, i am little confused but at the same time i am not (if that makes sense). I would maybe change this stanza to something like climbing this summit. I wanted us since it makes me wonder who is whose also since it seems without the period you were just continuing on with a simple sentence into another stanza.Nitpick(s):
the only change i would suggest in this line, would be to add the word -only in here to add an dramatic effect or a pleading offer as you want the person you love, to love you back. if only you could fly with me for a moment
i would change this stanza to something like this for I have shown you, how much I love you. since it adds a beat and dramatic flare to it and makes the reader kinda at a cliffhanger (if you will). Since it leaves them wondering, does the person they love, love them back?
Overall, i would say that this poem could relate to people as of wanting the person they like/love to like/love them back. Also my favorite line within this poem would be: I forgot stars take fairies back with them. for some reason since it shows that you wish for the stars to be put back in the sky and you wishing upon a star or something like that. Also the metaphorical uses you use to show just the person you love, how much you love them.
Farewell,
Tuesday
Okay, review time. You asked for a brutal review, well I'm not that type of person, but I am extremely picky so here we go on nit picking this poem. If I seem to harsh, just let me know, and I will try to do better!
"I only need some breaths to sway death" - this line you should delete the "s" from "breaths" to make it, "I only need some breath to sway death," that way breath and death create a double rhyme within that line which makes a very nice touch as well as a smooth read
"You in my shadow we'd decided to," - for this line, a comma needs to be inserted after shadow, since there is a natural pause when reading.
"Are lively but I forgot every life," - I think that "forgot" should be replaced with "forget" which changes the tense, which also changes the way it sounds and reads.
The repetition of the line, "I'd have shown you how much I love you," is a very nice touch with many feels that obviously shows this person of the writers affection is gone in one way or another. The rhymes are nice and the formatting is good. Good job with this piece, not bad for a love poem (or break up poem) so this is good, very good!
Thank you for the review. I didn't expect it to have this less mistakes, so cheers for me! And obviously you too!
Well well. I enjoyed this, but it somehow lost the element which compels readers to read further.
You should use capitals at the beginning of every line and use commas and spaces effectively. I've been telling this to so many yws poets that it has become my first criteria to check off now :3
Your language was quite difficult to understand, if only you'd used commas and spaces. *sigh*
Anyways, for the first try at romance it was good, well written.
I liked the repetition of "how much I love you", your tenses seemed messed up and the beginning and the end were haywire too.
Add a structure to this. Maybe more creativity.
Your title was plain. ALWAYS look for a catchy one. I'm not saying you can't use plain words, but use them effectively to create and impact on the readers.
I liked your word play, how you've used the words to form lines. Good.
Keep writing and stay blessed.
xoxo
Thank you for the review. I'd be sure to work those things out in my future works. Actually I've been getting the same suggestions over and over for the past month by anyone and everyone who reads me. Thank you again for pointing out that there's need for more work.
Greetings.