I know they say they care but
somehow I know they don't
somewhat they may but
somehow they manage to spoil it for me
'cause I know they say they love me and
that they care and
that when the sun sets they
think of me before going to bed but
somehow I know that in their blood,
running red
I don't exist any more than that pinch of truth
'cause somehow that always manage to lie so
I too learn to lie and
somehow color my blood in that pint of dye.
It was a bit difficult at first as my eyes
always gave me away before my lies
but somehow I grew, it grew with me,
interesting, fascinating somehow and
somehow I got to know my brother
inside of me and now, at times
we talk: I say the truth and I lie and
somehow it's fun.
I get to know his thoughts and
he tells me that I'm funnier
than he thought;
somehow I've phased into someone else
him, probably and he into me
and somehow, we manage
and we bear, each other inside me.
I do get nostalgic at times, but
somehow I don't hate myself ,
not that I am happy but I told him:
that's just a state of mind
a person suffers, who's eternally blind
and so for now, we're one
I lie for him, I'm his body, his sun
and now they know him as my soul,
my light, my helper as he helps me;
Whenever someone tells me they love me...
Whenever someone says they care...
Whenever someone takes my name before they go to sleep...
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140,196 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hi there!
First of all, since this is a fairly long poem, I'd suggest separating it into stanzas. You can do this by just leaving an extra space between the stanzas, or by using "shift+enter" on every line and just plain 'enter' on breaks between stanzas. This will make it so the reader isn't drowning in a sea of text, and their eyes can have a break every now and then.
This poem is rather confusing. You start out talking about "them," and how they don't care about you, even though they say they do (I'm going to assume your talking about the narrator's parent's, since "he" is the narrator's brother). Then you start talking about the narrator's brother, and I can't figure out how they feel about each other. It's confusing.
This entire part didn't quite make sense to me. I get what comes after it, but this is hopelessly confusing.
Also, with your last line, (if I'm reading the message of this poem right) I'd have the last line be "I think of him" to reiterate their feelings for one another. Right now, it just kinda trails off, and that's never a good place to be.
I hope this helped! Good luck and keep writing!
Hello and Welcome to YWS! I am a bird who gives amazing reviews to those poems I enjoy so greatly.. Anyway, I would like to start off by saying the main idea or theme of this poem is that you want the reader to understand your pain. The pain of the lies people tell you, how they ripe you apart since you try to take the truth out of them but they continue to lie to you Behind your back, in front of you. Whenever, you think that they are done you lay there confused and lost, without a weapon of choose to use,
You continue to be lied to until you have a voice in your head, telling you be crazy be funny, be whatever you put yourself to it. Then as the years past, you slowly lost your friend in your head and then and only then, the people who lied to you noticed how weak and knowing of your lies when they say we are sorry.
Sorry if this isn't really a review type thing.... (If you have question, just ask)
Hope to read more from you!
CapitalMonday
Welcome to Young Writers Society! (though I am relatively new myself haha)
For your poem, I like the idea, but the execution needs some work (just in my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt!)
I feel like you can split your poem into various stanzas, each taking a small part contributing to the poem's theme as a whole. (Theme = lying for someone you love? I can't say for sure. You want the theme aka purpose of your work to stand out) I'm not quite sure where the poetry is getting to sometimes, so dividing the work up would help to achieve it.
Also, are you attempting slant rhyme here? (i.e. eyes to dye) If so, you can develop it into an actual format within stanzas. That would add to the poem and make it more fun to read.
I really like your last three lines:
"Whenever someone tells me they love me...
Whenever someone says they care...
Whenever someone takes my name before they go to sleep..."
It's something that everyone probably experience before. Only thing is, do you mean to say "Whenever someone says my name before they go to sleep..." instead of "Whenever someone takes my name before they go to sleep..."? I'm a bit confused on what "someone takes my name" mean. That might just be me, though.
Anyhow, good work and try to go back and do some edits! User Pompadour has some great ideas.
Hope this helps,
~starlinks
Yo. Welcome to YWS~
I'm going to make this review short and to-the-point. Half this poem is running away into the horizon with no set destination; your first few lines, especially, are too wordy and long. It's like you've pinned a stream of consciousness to paper and--while stream of consciousness is indeed a writing style--it isn't really working out. There's a great deal of repetition in ideas you could convey through one concrete verse. In the first four lines alone you've used the word 'somehow' thrice. This does not create emphasis. This does not attract me. It makes your execution weak. I'd suggest you cut down on the fat and create variation in your wordage.
There are a lot of vague ideas that you present to us and a lot of images that are all over the place. Frankly, I didn't understand a lot of what you were trying to tell us, in which case you probably need something along the lines of a constant to stitch your ideas together. You do this by A] deciding what you want the reader to know, and B] by executing it in a way that is engaging but does not spend excessive word-space on less important/flimsy elaborations, like that separate line assigned to 'running red.'
Examples of vague images in this piece:
-- 'I know they say they care.'
Who is 'they'? You mention them throughout the poem but you never tell us who they are; this creates a feeling of detachment and we are enever able to fully sympathise with the narrator (because we don't know why the heck we should be sympathetic with them in the first place).
-- 'I don't exist anymore than that pinch of truth'.
What pinch of truth? Is it important? How does it tie in with everything? I'm clutching at straws here.
The rest of this piece is written in a similar trend and it gets monotonous. I could see this as a potential lyrical poem, perhaps, but I'd suggest you take this idea and write it again. Try tying in your verses more, be more direct with what you're trying to say, and employ imagery. The deal with us readers is that we always want to get attached to whatever we read, be it prose, be it poetry. You need to engage us, and for that you have to have a handle on what you want to say, too, instead of running away with your thoughts on paper.
Feel free to hit me up if you have any questions; I hope this review helped and that I'll see more of your work up soon!
Keep it up! Keep writing!
~Pomp
Thank you for reviewing. I actually do have a problem in keeping my poems short as by the time I put down all my thoughts in the right direction on the paper I'm already way to long and in that ideas are bound to get repeated. I'm working on that.
I always forget that the reader's not going to understand it just because I did and if I have to explain it to them there's no use of the poem. So I'll try and rewrite this, probably with better outcomes.
Thank you again, it was very helpful.
No problem! I'm just glad to help!
Hello I just went through your poem, first of the entire plot is great and the title of the poem is eye-catching. I am not a perfect writer to command and point out the mistakes in the poem I would like to say that you had put some effort in writing this poem the ending has a positive impact in this poem and among the few poem which I went through this is a notable one .The poem has various attracting factor which provoke every reader to completely read this poem also the execution of simple and understandable words are good qualities of the writer and the character of the writer is shown in this poem and the main thing I felt that you need to beautify poem through various poetic devices and rhyming words even though I just felt that you had put a great effort in writing these poem I feel you can do better