My vacuum continually sucks up your bobby pins
Your underwear hangs off the counter’s edge,
The leg hooked on the corner
Your earrings are being found everywhere
My dog whines for you, ears perked up
He misses you, you know
This entire house screams for you
My bed reeks of your scent
Just steal these awful things away
Like you took my pulsing heart
I sometimes wish these things were gone,
That they’d never invaded my home
But sometimes it's nice to pretend you're still here,
That you hadn't left me alone.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,335 Reviews
1. "This entire house screams for you" - ABSOLUTE PERFECTION. Don't change that line. EVER.
2. The wording and imagery was amazing. I can see just how much her departure has affected him. Heck, even the DOG misses her. I'm sensing an abrupt up-and-leave.
3. Why the blue font? Is there some sort of meaning to it?
4. "I sometimes wish these things were gone," - Sometimes? I like the subtle hints at indecisiveness. Like he can't pull his own thoughts together.
I absolutely, positively loved this poem. It flowed well, it was written perfectly and the emotions were delivered just fine. Fantastic job!!!
Have a great day,
Dark Heart
Wow, thanks! And I guess the blue font was a glitch, nothing special.
Thomas here to review!
In the beginning of this piece, I wasn't sure to whom you were referring to in this piece and by the end, I still have a few questions, but it's a little clearer to me. From my perspective, I see this as a relationship that went bad, so the other person left, leaving the narrator alone to see these little things left behind, almost like trinkets of the fight in a way.
I really liked some of the lines here, too.
"the entire house screams for you"
"like you took my pulsing heart"
Your word choice here is so flawless. The imagery is so simple, yet so powerful at the same time. I really enjoy the realistic sense that you have in this piece. I can practically see everything as if I'm there, looking at everything.
Also, I love the whole no punctuation thing. I didn't really notice it in the beginning, but now that I see it, I really love it. It's more natural and flowing that way.
Wonderful job, dear.
Thanks so much!
Hey there, Rhia here to review!
Nitpicks first.
Okay, so I hate when people think you have to have punctuation, so I'm not going to tell you that you should have punctuation at each line. However, some would be bettered by commas. There are several lines where you aren't starting a new thought, but carrying on a thought from the previous line. With those, it is hard to follow what's going on, but a comma would let me know that you aren't done yet. The one that really stuck out was
"Your underwear hangs off the counter’s edge
The leg hooked on the corner"
Because each of these lines was a separate thing that she left there that were reminders to you, I read "the leg hooked on the corner" and for a second thought that the poem was about to turn into a morbid murder-mystery XD. I had to reread to get, "oh, wait, the leg of the underwear!" So, yeah, just some could use it, for clarification purposes.
And...that's all I've got as far as nitpicks. I really liked it, I could really feel the longing and loneliness in the writing. It told the story really well. Good job!
Thanks for the advice! I'll remember to edit that.