Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
Alex pans the camera in on Sara, humming an amiable melody as she smiles at the camera. “This is my girl, Sara. Say hi to the camera, Sara.”
Sara smirks and stubs out the end of her cigarette against the hood of the car. She flicks it, scattering it across the pavement like a stone on water. “Hi to the camera, Sara.”
Alex points the camera so he’s in the frame. He grins charmingly, charisma pouring through his brown eyes and into the electronic itself. “Isn’t she a joy?”
“Where’s Jarod?” Sara asks, inspecting her fingernails. She sits on the hood of the black Grand Prix, the cool metal relief to her legs. It’s the dead of the summer, but luckily it’s 9:00, so it’s just the right temperature.
“Taking a country minute, as always,” Alex replies. He groans, pushing his bangs off of his brow. He closes the camera’s view screen, shutting it off. “Did he give us the wrong time?”
“Maybe; he is a dumbass,” Sara mumbles.
Not a moment after the words leave her lips Jarod’s rusty truck pulls up. It looks pathetic next to the Alex’s pristine black car, which is meticulously kept inside and out. The only time Alex ever got mad at Jarod was for spilling chocolate milk on the passenger seat.
“Took you long enough,” Alex complains.
“Sorry for keeping you waiting, princess,” Jarod sneers.
“Hey, boy scout, what’s up with the backpack?” Sara demands.
“Oh, just got some booze in here,” Jarod answers, hiking the bag further up onto his back. “Let’s go.”
Alex lets the camera rest in his lap as they drive up to the house. “Are you sure about this, Jarod?”
“I’m sure, man. The kegger’s this way,” Jarod assures. “Here, you see this hill? Now turn left here. There you go.”
Sara peers out the window, remarking, “We’re in the middle of nowhere. Why would anyone have a party out here?”
“Duh, it’s so you don’t get caught,” Jarod answers. He leans back in his seat, placing his hands behind his head. “Yep, no cops nearby, party never ends.”
“Whoa, whoa, no one said anything about cocaine,” Alex sputters from the front seat. His eyes dart from the road to Jarod as he continues, “Jarod, you better not be doing shit like that. It’ll fuck you up, I’m serious.”
“Calm down, I was kidding,” Jarod mutters.
They drive in silence for a few minutes before Jarod instructs, “Park in that driveway. That’s the house.”
Alex brings the car to a stop and parks in the gravel driveway. He looks into the mirror to meet Jarod’s eyes, telling, “No one’s here.”
“Yeah, moron. This house is better suited for arson than a party,” Sara scowls.
“Rude!” Jarod responds.
“She has a point,” Alex agrees. He gazes out at the house, which looks as though it’s about to collapse on itself. “Are you sure this is the right place?”
“I’m positive. Let’s go inside,” Jarod states, opening the door and taking a step out.
The car dips further into the ground as the teens pile out, all of them shutting their doors.
Alex turns on the camera, filming as he leads the way as they walk up the sidewalk to the house. He places a foot onto the wooden porch steps to hear a creak in complaint. The boards continue to groan and moan as the trio walks up the porch and opens the door.
They let the door hang open as they inspect the house. Alex sets the camera down on a nightstand, leaving it running.
The house is small, composed of only one main room with an attached kitchen, and a door on either side of the center room.
“I told you no one’s here,” Sara growls. She turns, declaring, “We’re leaving.”
She runs directly into Jarod’s chest, who stands stiffly, blocking the door, which is now shut. “Jarod, move, we’re going.”
“No, we’re not,” Jarod responds.
“Jarod, get out of her way? Come on, there’s no one here. Maybe you got the wrong house,” Alex suggests.
Jarod shakes his head. “Trust me, Alex, this is the right house. I made sure of that.”
“What do you mean?” Sara asks.
“This house.... do you two even know which house this is?” Jarod chuckles, his laughter breathy and hoarse.
“Wait, someone lives here?!” Alex shouts.
Jarod stops laughing, his face stone serious. “No, no. Someone used to live here.”
“You don’t say,” Sara murmurs. “So tell me, who used to live here, and why does it matter?”
“Do you guys.... have either of your parents ever mentioned a guy named The Animal?” Jarod questions.
“I don’t think so, why?” Alex responds.
“The Animal rings no bell?” Jarod repeats.
“Who the fuck is The Animal and why should I give a damn?!” Sara snaps.
A loud crash erupts from another room, causing all of the teens to jump.
“What was that?” Alex whispers.
“It was nothing, don’t be a pussy,” Jarod scowls. He pops his knuckles before proceeding, “The Animal. Murderer, cannibal, rapist, one of the most perverted bastards there ever was.”
“If he’s so terrible, why have I never heard of him?” Sara challenges.
“Wait.... wait wait,” Alex realizes. “He’s the one.... they never caught him! And he….” He turns to Sara. “We’re getting out of here.” He starts for the door, but Jarod shoves him back.
“Dude, what the Hell? I want to get out of here!” Alex cries, making another advance for the door.
Again, Jarod shoves him back stumbling. “No. We’re staying. And do you know why?” Jarod kneels in front of the door, taking off his bag. He unzips it, and dumps it out on the floor. Out tumbles candles, matches, and a small brown book with a worn leather cover.
“What’s all of that shit?” Sara asks.
“Séance shit,” Jarod replies. With a mischievous grin, he tells, “We’re going to talk to The Animal.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Nicely written story, a good set-up, and potential to be pretty spooky. Kinda makes me think of the Blair Witch or something. One thing I will say is a general guideline (not always obeyed) is not to use a semicolon in dialogue. Even stylistically it never really looks right. Change it to 'Maybe. He is a dumbass.'
Apart from that it's early days so remains to see how it develops. You don't always need to say people's names when they speak - you can just have them talk without adding 'Sara says', for example, when it's clear who it is (because they're responding to someone else or have been the only ones talking). It can kinda add to pace and immersion of the story, and feel more natural.
But yeah, good writing!
Thanks!
Hey there!! Knight Silver here for a review.
First of all hats of for writing in present tense! Very brave of you and you've pulled it off very well. Your dialogue is realistic which is great and another thing you've pulled off well is distinguishable characters. I can imagine them quite well even though you haven't given us physical descriptions but you've given each one a personality, at least as much as you could give in the first chapter. Your plot seems like it's heading in an interesting and event full direction and I'm curious to see what happens. Your grammar and spelling has been great and Lu's already pointed out the major stuff.
One thing I had a problem with was the camera. There was no explanation as to why it was there. If Alex had already known about the séance then it would've made sense, but he didn't. Does he like filming? Does he always film their parties? Does he have a blog or do online videos? That was nagging at me the whole time.
Also I would have like a tiny bit more description on the exterior of the house, but that's just a nitpick. Looking for to the next one!! Happy writing!!
Silverlock
Thanks! I'll have to explain why Alex has the camera later.
Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.
This actually reminds me a bit of my story Happy Kid Land. Sorry if that sounds egotistical. XD
Well, you have a very good start here. I love the idea, and I can see this turning into a pretty epic story, I must say. The dialogue is good and realistic, the flow is nice... I would say that we don't know much about the characters, but this is only the first chapter. You have plenty of time to tell us more about them. So I'll save you my nitpicking in the character development department.
Here are some things that I'd suggest tweaking:
Where to begin? "Sara" is repetitive, "camera" is repetitive, and also "pans the camera in on" doesn't sound right.
Example of how to fix it:
'Alex pans the camera over Sara, humming an amiable melody as she smiles. "This is my girl. Say hi to the camera, Sara."
She smirks and stubs out the end of her cigarette against the hood of the car, then flicks it, scattering it across the pavement like a stone on water. "Hi to the camera, Sara."'
This is a seriously tiny nitpick, so bear with me. "Complains," "sneers," "demands," and "answers"? Not one "says"? It kind of breaks up the rhythm of the piece, in my opinion.
I'm all for trying to not overuse "says" or "said," but in this case, it goes a bit far. Save some of those nice words for later in the story. 'Kay?
"Here" is a bit repetitive.
I don't get the question mark. If this was "Jarod, will you get out of her way?" I could understand it, but in this case I think you should switch it out for either a period or (perhaps more fittingly) an exclamation point.
"Hell" doesn't need to have a capitalized H.
This is a common mistake called "overusing swear words."
There are a lot of people that swear constantly. Teenagers especially. But it doesn't seem particularly realistic to write "shit" when it doesn't need to be there.
It would sound a lot better to the reader's ears if you left it as:
'"What's all that?" Sara asks.'
Or even
'"What's all of that crap?" Sara asks.'
I personally prefer the former, but it's your story so the choice is up to you. I would suggest changing it to something, though. There's tons of swearing throughout this piece, but that S-word is the only one that struck me as particularly unnecessary.
Okay! All that aside, this is quite good so far. Solid plot, solid dialogue. Not much to criticize overall. I would once again suggest adding some depth to your characters since, at this point, there's not much about them that really speaks to me or that I find "likable." But that's really all... oh, and perhaps watch out for repetitiveness too.
Lastly, it's pretty ballsy to tell this story in present tense. And you did an awesome job on that, so I have mad respect.
I can't wait for the next chapter. Keep wring!
Thanks for the review! And yeah, some people might find the "all of that shit" unnecessary, but Sara's the kind of girl that swears a lot. I'll have to tell more about her.
Also, I can see where you're coming from comparing it to your story. A camera, three characters, a girl, two boys. Except no love triangle.
Yeah exactly. XD