Every year he has to remain silent AND WATCH
the city mourn all who’ve died due to disease, old age or accidents. Yet the Infringement Soldiers whom we’ve lost in the war are excluded from Remembrance Day. The Authority refuses to acknowledge them like everybody else, as they have not been a rightful piece in our society, so they don’t deserve to be remembered.
I understand Sky. How can he be forced to remain silent while slowly every little piece of his father is getting lost and forgotten in everybody’s memories? Getting replaced by thoughts of all these PEOPLE WHO
have Remembrance Day dedicated to them.
“Today is to show our gratitude for all that they’ve done for us, and they shall never be forgotten in our memories, in our hearts and in our souls.”
The Member brings me back to the City Square. The other one comes down the stairs and starts handing out the golden flowers. I still remember the first time I saw them. I had been so sure they were real, so rich in colour it was like looking at fallen sparks of FIRE
from shooting stars. The scientists and experts from the Authority have created these genetically engineered plants, used only for Remembrance Day, called …… They’ve been modified to open up like hot air balloons once the Authority gives the command, they fly up and up into the sky until they reach a certain altitude which makes them explode, letting down a stream of golden sparks.
As if the universe itself were exploding above us, stars falling from the heavens.
I hold one carefully in my hand, waiting for the bell above the Town Hall to mark their release. I look over at Skylar, half expecting him to have made a scene. But he stands stiffly, shoulders tense as he holds the flower in his hands, no SIGN
of defiance. I hope to myself it’ll stay this way throughout the ceremony... and the rest of his life. I quickly shake the thought away. Useless to live your life on false hopes and broken promises.
The Town Hall bell strikes three times. It’s time. I look down at my flower and watch in awe as its glowing petals open up, one by one, and slowly start rising from my hand and into the sky. Everyone’s faces around me are illuminated by specks of light. Against the pink sunset-orange, the FLOWERS
look even more magical. We all watch them leave us, as the people whom we loved once did. That’s what this reminds me of. Each flower is the soul of someone we lost drifting away from our lives. Before we know it, all at once they explode, a shower of golden stars raining on us.
Muffled shouts interrupt this beautiful scene. My head briskly jerks away from the sky, in the direction of the noises. The silence in the Square is immediately broken, worried whispers spreading like wildfire. I look at Sky, and I see my reflection reflected in his. Our eyes are both bloodshot, our cheeks bright red, blood rushing in our bodies. He bows his head and walks away from the crowd. I don’t have time to react. I see his pace quicken as he ducks into an alley. I want to scream out for him, but I know that would just ATTRACT
the Authority.
A hand brushes against my arm, gripping it TIGHTLY
but delicately. I look up and see Lucas, his jaw clenched and his eyes a deeper shade of blue, making his whole face seem darker.
“We’ll go after him, c’mon,” he whispers.
I nod.
The people around us are starting to scatter, making it easier for us to leave unnoticed. Lucas grabs my hand and quietly we head down the alley Sky just disappeared through moments ago. As I glance one last time I see a group of Members heading in the direction of where the SHOUTS
came from. I hear an Authority member announcing orders to the crowds, to stay calm, go home, not to worry. Soon the only sound I hear are our running footsteps moving in sync with our heartbeats. Lucas hasn’t let go of my hand, even though I know perfectly well how to follow someone. I can feel his blood pumping in his veins. We pass through narrow streets and he yanks me through every turn we have to make.
Soon enough, we reach the beach. My running stops as my feet sink into the sand. Lucas stops too, taking a moment to look around. It’s almost dark out, but a few metres ahead of us are four silhouettes. Lucas doesn’t hesitate, he throws himself forward, towards the men, dragging me with him.
“You’re all living in lies!”
In front of me, I see a man walking around in circles, his skinny arm out, pointing towards the city. He is shouting things at the sky, his voice ragged and stumbling to get the words out like someone who hasn’t spoken in weeks. Another man from behind him turns around, and the only thing visible from his face are his eyes. The biggest eyes I’ve ever seen, surrounded by a long, shaggy beard and wild hair. There’s a third one, as savage as the other two, walking around in frenetic movements, his whole body shaking
I tug my hand away from Lucas’ grasp. He looks at me for a second, a mix of shock and question on his face. Then he nods, understanding I don’t want to get any closer. He turns and heads towards the figures.
“This is not what you think it is!” the one with the long hair shouts into the fourth person’s face, grabbing him by the shoulders. “None of this is!”
As he backs away I realize he doesn’t belong with them. He stands straight, as still as one of the stones touching the waves. It’s Sky. Lucas runs up to him, and without using much force, pulls the crazy man off his shoulders. As quietly as I can, trying my best to be invisible, I approach them.
“Who are you?” Lucas asks, his face locked in a determined stare.
The shaky man laughs. “We’re free that’s what we are! Unlike all of you!”
Lucas takes a step forward.
“Where did you come from?” his voice is calm and steady, a huge contrast to the men’s croaked shouts.
“Where did we come from? Where did we come from?” He repeats, laughing. The man’s eyes seem to grow wider, and he takes a step forward towards Lucas. “We’re from the Third World,” his voice suddenly goes hushed, and he smiles. A horrid, scarring smile, revealing yellow crooked teeth .
I see Skylar staring at something behind him, something closer to the shore, getting touched by the rising waves each second. It’s gotten darker now, but I can tell it’s a boat. A relatively small, wooden boat. They couldn’t have gotten with that, could they?
“The Third World…?” I whisper.
Lucas looks taken aback, as if someone dropped a bucket of ice cold water on him to wake him up.
“Guys…” Sky says, “I think we need to run. Like, right now.”
I turn around. Blades of light cut through the darkness. The Authority has arrived at the beach, lights flaring from their flashlights. I feel a sudden sting of needles prickling at the back of my neck. I can’t tell from here, but what if they called the Grims?
We need to run.
We jump in between the streams of light, relying on the darkness to help us.
“Run back into town. Come on!” Lucas drags the three men to follow us.
I don’t have time to make sense of any of this. Why am I suddenly a fugitive from the Authority? Worse than that, from the Grims? And why am I risking so much to save some crazy men who’ve probably just lost their minds?
We’re running as fast as we can, following Lucas through more narrow alleys and turning any time we get the chance. My head is pounding. The stampede of the Authority running closely behind us grows louder and louder by the second. They’re catching up.
“The factory!” Lucas lets out in a breath and with one swift movement pushes two of the men at me and Sky. Sky nods and grabs my hand, tugging me away with him. I glance one last time at Lucas.
“Trust me,” he says, disappearing onto the right with one of the men at his heels.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi there Writer Girl!
Thank you for letting me know you posted a new chapter. Wow, it has definitely been a while since the first one. It's a good thing you put the ending of the previous chapter in here as well so we could tell what is going on. I liked the idea of the flowers that they use for remembrance day. I think it was definitely a cool idea, and you described them beautifully as well :3 I couldn't imagine it being any different! I just know they would make a perfect scene for a movie ^.^
As for the strange men Sky has found, I am looking forwards to finding out more about them. They must know at least a little about this place, because they know enough to know that the inhabitants aren't really free, and they are. Also, I want to know more about the Third World! This is definitely a chapter where you're going to have to follow up on it soon.
One thing I am curious to know is how Sky knew those people are going to be there? He goes directly to the beach as if there is no question about it. Is he there because it's his calming place and he wanted to be there and found the men as a surprise? Or did he know they would be there somehow and just showed up? I feel like the first one is the truthful answer, but from the way you wrote this I have more reason to believe it's the latter.
If you would like help changing this, my suggestion is that you show us Sky is surprised too. Maybe he's questioning the men about how they got here when the pair show up, but all he is getting are ridiculous and crazy speak from the men. Or maybe have him only just arrive when they do, and act equally as surprised to see the strange men there too. I think this would solve the problem.
I have a feeling she is a very considerate main character, is she not? And I think she knows that the Authority can't really listen on in her thoughts. So, it might be a nice idea (this is merely a suggestion) to have her say a little prayer or be thinking of Skylar's dad at this point? Her little denial of the Authority and giving respects to some she believes earned it. It may only be a small act but I can imagine it being a big deal to her, and she might even feel proud of what she did, albeit in her private thoughts.
What are they called? If she doesn't know herself, I doubt she would put that called at the end and would probably just have the full stop after Day. Otherwise it seems a bit messy and out of place.
Just to avoid the repetition of the word 'time', maybe instead of writing 'three times,' you could writing 'thrice?' An option for you to consider.
Seeing as they are the ones heading for the noise after Skylar, this must be some other sort of noise, which is convenient. You mention that she is turning towards the direction of the noises, but you never tell us where that is. Towards the houses, making people anxious for their belongings? The forest leaving her thinking that the protest group could be up to something? I want to know!
Maybe change the word 'expression'. Technically, what you wrote can't be done, and although you mean face as well, personally I prefer expression. It is up to you.
I don't understand why their faces were like that? My only reason being that they had both had late nights or were crying (eyes), were blushing and feeling really warm or something. Please give the reasons more clearly because they might be in there and hidden. But this was something that left me utterly confused.
You need a dialogue tag with that. Because we are not yet introduced to the men I couldn't tell if Skylar had said it, the strangers, or Lucas.
I believe you are missing the word 'here' between gotten and with.
That's it from me. I was so pleased to know you'd published more of this. Carry on the great writing and as always, let me know on my wall when you have more for me to read! I wonder what is going to unfold as they have now become fugatives, and more about the strangers!
Deanie x
I like the tone of this piece. I think that the way you started the piece is really effective. I like the almost bitter way you write about the way that the infringement soldiers don't get remembered the way everyone else does which adds another dimension to your story telling.
I know you say that you understand Sky but, as the paragraph goes on and you ask questions about how he can remain silent, it seems as though you don't really understand Sky (or at least the character doesn't) but you're just trying to understand him. I found this slightly confusing but then again, it's your book so it's up to you if you want to change it.
Ok, I'm not going to lie, if there's one thing which really annoys me, it's when a good piece of description gets spoilt by the word beautiful. Come on, beautiful is overused! When you say 'Muffled shouts interrupt this beautiful scene.' perhaps you could use a different adjective such as tranquil or something like that? It's just that, for me, using beautiful seems a bit like a cop out. It's almost like an anti-climax. It works well in dialogue but in description...yeah, not so much.
'As if the universe itself were exploding above us, stars falling from the heavens.' I would prefer it if you used a semicolon here. Some people don't like semicolon's but, for me, they make the writing look more sophisticated as well as making it sound better; it gives it a sense of rhythm which a regular comma can't achieve.
I like the way that you've used short, sharp sentences to hook the reader. Short sentences are especially effective when it comes to writing action; they make it tense and 'jumpy'.
'“This is not what you think it is!”' This sounds slightly wooden. Perhaps if you wrote 'This isn't what you think it is!' it would sound better? People very rarely actually say this is not; they tend to just abbreviate it to this isn't.
I know my review can sound a bit like I'm just picking up little things but, if the little things are perfect, the whole piece will be too. I really like this piece and I think it has great potential; you just need to focus on the tiny details to fill in the whole picture.