I don’t know what I was expecting. A witch’s cackle echoing as I walked? Birds falling dead from the sky?
Instead I feel as though I have entered inside a labyrinth. Tree behind tree behind tree is standing in front of me, with hardly any room to walk in between. The green above acts as a blanket to hide the forest from the sun and the sky. There is absolutely no light, no thin rays of sunshine peaking out from small cracks in between the leaves. The only reason I am not collapsing onto the hard soil or banging my head against one of these huge tree trunks is because of Sky’s blonde hair, his golden aura lighting the path in front of him. Now I’m certain of it. He must have been here before. More than once. How does he know the way so well?
After being deep into the hollows of the Infernal Forest, knowing there is no way I could ever possibly go back without him, I realize what it is that’s been sending constant shivers tickling up and down my spine all this time.
There is no life.
Where are the animals? No birds chirping, no crackling of leaves as they crumple underfoot. I start looking around me in quick glances while my feet follow Sky. Green. Dark green. More green. Where is all the colour from the flowers I’m used to seeing in the Greenhouse? It is like watching the life of someone in black and white, with no happiness or joy. Somebody with their light switch turned off. It is like seeing the white wall behind the bench in the Greenhouse without the glowing fuchsia bougainvillea to bring it to life.
Goosebumps start prickling all over my arms and legs. I look ahead of me, concentrating only on the direction in which Skylar is heading.
He slants slightly towards the right, just enough for me to look further ahead than his head. Not too far in front, I see a single ray of light which managed to escape from the forest’s hard cage.
We are moving towards it. As Sky’s pace is slowing down I hide myself behind the trunk of a tree, which is twice as wide as my body. He comes to a halt.
It is like his legs suddenly disconnect from his brain, and they sink all of a sudden onto the grass beneath his feet.
I step away from the tree, wanting to run for him, wanting to scream for him.
But something stops me.
I look at him. His head is turned away from me so I cannot know if he is in pain. I realize I don’t know what he is doing. He starts bending his back closer towards the grass. Is he praying? Crying? Should I go comfort him?
I stay still where I am, my eyes widening as I pay closer attention to what he is doing. It is times like these where being taller would be such an advantage. I can’t see exactly what he is doing but I know he is moving his hands…stroking the grass? No. It is more as if he were moving his fingers. Before I can know for sure he straightens his back, still without standing up.
I feel my lips part forming an oval.
Before my eyes I see what just a few seconds ago was dry grass on soil rising slowly above the ground as if it were a door into a new world. Again, I am at a loss of words. My mind still hasn’t registered exactly what is going on and while my brain is working at full speed I catch a glimpse of that familiar blonde head disappearing beneath the darkness of this entryway.
I run towards it. Towards him. I quickly look at this piece of land moving slowly to open itself. The only thought which comes to mind is, It must be really heavy to be so slow. I notice what Sky must have been using his fingers for before opening this door, on the ground, hidden beneath a rock is a type of scanner which reminds me of the ones outside our homes. But it’s not. It has buttons with numbers on them. A combination lock, I guess.
I don’t waste too much time debating whether to follow him or not. Before the mechanical door starts to close itself again, I jump down into the emptiness below.
***
The chute is quick and I almost feel nothing except for a sort of vacuum force pulling me down. When I land Sky is nowhere in sight. There is a loud clunk and as I look up I see the piece of land is now back in its place, the door closed.
On my right and left, glued against the mud walls are infinite zigzags of metal tubes and pipes. I find myself stuck in the narrowest corridor I’ve ever stood in, the metal clanging against my body each move I make.
Suddenly I feel my face go white. Two hands grab tightly onto my shoulders. All the muscles in my body tense, and then I feel them go numb, too scared to do anything. More hands take heavy grips all over my body, forcing me still and clamping my mouth shut. I take in a deep breath and hold it as darkness falls upon me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Writer Girl!
DD: Some people are grabbing at her and she's in an unfamiliar place underground. Ooh I have no clue what is going to happy next and how Skylar is involved in this! I love the use of her goosebumps, it was just a tip off the hat on how she is so creeped out at this dead and empty scene in front of her.
I thought she might fight a little bit when people are grabbing her. I know she's scared, but maybe she should have a moment of panic first? Because human instinct is to immediately fight and survive, but after that initial moment and the adrenaline has kicked in, maybe she realizes how petrified she is and just gives in... I would hate to be sucked into the darkness with mysterious hands grappling at me though!
Ember really is an independent and curious person, running after Skylar but holding back the way she does. I wonder why Skylar had to collapse so dramatically to the ground though? Why didn't he simply kneel and start picking at the grass, lowering his head to its level. The way you describe it makes it seem like he dropped dead on the grass without catching himself, which he might only do if he knows Ember is out there and he wants to provoke her into revealing herself... which I doubt is the case at all. So maybe simpler movements would fit better in here?
I am going to keep reading because this cliffhanger is too much to handle!
Deanie x
hi again! thank you... again!!
thanks for the advice, you're totally right, that IS human instinct.
hmmm I'll also look at that Sky falling part... I'll ytry changing the vocab
Hey thegirlwhowrites!
I wrote a review for this but it seeped away into the void. None the better, let's do it again and get you out of the green room!!
Let's go straight to the juicy fleshy bits!
...I don’t know what I was expecting. A witch’s cackle echoing as I walked? Birds falling dead from the sky?...
You should enhance the MC's confusion here. The MC needs to articulate it in a more puzzling manner. More questions. Half questions! Questions which try to but fail to explain!
...Instead I feel as though I entered inside the minotaur’s maze...
Forgetting your have's and have's not? You need to add that in, my friend!
...No chirps of the birds, no paws to crackle the leaves against the ground....
This is a good description, but there is always room for improvement! Even for me!
Consider using a different form: No chirping birds. No crackling of leaves as they crumple underfoot. Don't you think this is more powerful?
...I feel my lips part separate ways, forming an “O” with my mouth....
Awkward sentence. You should write concise, but descriptively! For example: I feel my lips part to form an oval.
There is no need for "separate ways," it is redundant!
I have found little else to critique of a unique nature, so with that I bid you a good day!
Keep Writing! Improvement will come when you least expect!
thank you! Your advice is helping me so much!
Hello, writer!
I really do love the way you write. Almost everything flowed really well. However, there were a few errors.
"All the muscles in my body tense, and then I feel them go numb, too scared to do anything."
Are her muscles too scared to do anything? No, she is. So: All the muscles in my body tense and I go numb with fear.
Or something like that.
the metal clanging against my body each move I make.
every move I make
There is a loud “clunk”
no quotes necessary
It must be really heavy to be so slow
It must be really slow to be so heavy is what I think you meant.
Instead I feel as though I entered inside the minotaur’s maze
Labyrinth
Keep writing
Thanks, I'll fix those.