The Fourth World: Chapter 6 Part 1

This seems to be a pretty interesting story, with a relatively original idea. I'm also finding myself being drawn to your main character - so many first-person narrators have a ridiculous amount of structure to their spur-of-the-moment thoughts, but she has a refreshingly realistic voice, which I greatly appreciate and enjoy reading. That being said, there are a fair amount of relatively minor errors, the fixing of which would greatly benefit the overall flow of your story.

"Each one of us taking a step further into our future. Our destiny."

This bit is rather dramatic, but it fits the tone of the story, so it isn't much of a problem. However, it would read better if you inserted an "is" between "us" and "taking."

"...a simple, white and round building with a massive room to greet you once you enter. There are no doors on any walls to help you escape from this blinding colour..."

The first part of that sentence is very heavy on adjectives without having a lot of substantial imagery. I'd recommend expanding on it a bit, maybe with more details about the architecture to help your reader picture the building. Also, the second-person "you" is generally frowned upon, even though you're reading this from a relatively informal perspective.

"...as the crowd moves forward one more person goes inside as a Second Stage Citizen and comes out as a Third."

There should be a comma between "forward" and "one."

"...we are in circular lines going around the room in a seemingly never-ending spiral."

This sentence would have a great deal more coherence if you added "standing" between "are" and "in."

"The door to the Scanner slides open as it sensors him."

You've run into a bit of word choice confusion here; a sensor is an instrument that senses, not a verb. It seems that you were trying to say something more along the lines of "senses" or "analyzes."

"...you can see the glass light up..."

Again, replace the "you" with "I" to preserve narrative clarity.

"His two Numbers appear on the screen in their familiar fluorescent green form. Codes and images of his brain and DNA scroll down the glass, and in seconds a new number materializes. Everything apart from the three numbers vanishes from the glass. Out of nowhere, two words appear underneath: Solar Resources. Then everything goes back to being transparent and I see Sky stepping out from the box, now a new person with a new life ahead of him."

"Numbers" probably shouldn't be capitalized, unless it's being used to indicate formal importance or something along those lines.

"Materializes" is an odd word to use in relation to a computer. While it might work technically, the connotations are more fantasy-esque; when most people think of something materializing, they imagine someone appearing in a cloud of smoke, rather than a number popping up on a screen. "Appears" would probably be a better word choice here.

I would also replace "apart from" with "but" just to streamline the sentence, but that's more of a subjective judgement, so I'll leave it up to your discretion.

Finally, "everything goes back to being transparent" reads rather oddly. I understand that your narrator can't be expected to constantly think eloquently, but the stilted-ness of that sentence is rather jarring to me as a reader. Something like "the Scanner reverts to transparency" would be better.

"After each Assignation you have to respond formally to a couple of questions, like an oath, in order to keep your responsibility a promise."

This use of "you" actually fits in with the structure of the narrative, so I'll let it slide. However, grammatically speaking, there should be a comma between "Assignation" and "you."

"It takes me a second to realize that those words actually never came out o his mouth."

First, you have a pretty minor typo here: "o" instead of "of." Additionally, this would probably read better as something along the lines of "he never actually said those words."

"I’m next. Veve is already being assigned her career in front of me, but I hardly take note of that. My mind races with questions, trying to process what just happened. Why couldn’t Sky just answer like everybody else? Did he somehow forget? But that’s not possible, we’ve been learning these answers since we were in Junior school. I desperately try pushing these thoughts away from my mind but they urge to pull themselves back in… What if this has something to do with his secret group? Images flash back to the Infernal Forest, Kole warning him about something he was going to do, something which would put himself in danger. Were they talking about this? Was this all planned out? I know the answer, but I refuse to think it."

This block of text breaks up the flow of the narrative. I'd recommend splitting it between "...happened" and "Why," and again between "group?" and "Images."

"I’m scared because I have no idea what’s going to be of him, what they’re going to do, what are the repercussions?"

"Be" should be replaced with "become," and you have a comma splice of "what they're going to do" and "what are the repercussions?"

Additionally, the use of "repercussions" feels rather out of place with the narrator's voice - you could replace it with "consequences" to preserve the meaning while staying consistent.

"I can’t say I’m surprised, many are assigned the part-time job they had as Second-stage members."

The comma here should be replaced with a semicolon.

"...overflowing fear..."

"Overflowing" should be replaced with "overwhelming."

"...like a full pledged member of our community."

You should either change "full" to "fully" or hyphenate "full-pledged."

I'd like to close this review by saying that the concept behind this story is one I've been waiting to see for a while - the protagonist actually being comfortable in (what I presume to be) a dystopian society. I feel like insta-rebels have been overdone in this genre, so your story is a refreshing change of pace, and I'm interested in seeing where it goes from here!

Hola Writer Girl! I couldn't wait to read this!

And you definitely did not disappoint! Skylar is being really difficult about every little thing when it comes to the big moments that his society go through. For example, his Assignment oath, he couldn't even say two sentences without seeing it as complying to the system! I am worried that he will affect those around him, and she has a point to be worried as well. I wonder where he has been taken! D:

You do mention that this all has been planned before... but would he really plan when it is just a simple matter of not answering the sentences properly? For me, that small an act of rebellion wouldn't necessarily need planning; perhaps just a moment or two of thinking about it before he actually puts it into action. Planning would be if he had something bigger going on as well. So maybe change that?

that those words actually never came out o his mouth.

“Why not?” Gasps fill the air around us.

They whispered something into his ear, took his arm and carried my best friend away. Don’t know where.

Don’t know where. Don’t know when I’ll ever see him again. I don’t know anything