welcome home, theseus

Smell The Flowers...
Introduction and first impressions!
Hi there, friend! I'm here to review your poem for the in depth poetry reviewing event.

First reading through this, I was like whoa :O who wrote this and why am I allowed to review this? Revised: how am I supposed to review this it's already perfect. I thought the wording is so amazing, and the contrast (which I will talk more about later) about the different sides is so cool. And as I've dived deeper into what everything means, I'm honestly surprised, like, how did you fit so much in so little? I do not understand.

Anyway, let's get into it.

Thorns
Thorns can be prickly, but people still love roses. What might be improved?
I struggled at first to find something that could fit in this category, as honestly your poetry just has a habit of sucking me in and making me feel as though it is speaking to my soul.

One thing that kind of slowed me down is my knowledge of theseus - or rather, my lack thereof. Now, let me make this clear, I'm not saying you shouldn't write something that not everyone will understand. I'm not a big Greek Mythology buff, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy or understand the general meaning of your poem. I'm saying it was a little harder to understand and to pick up on everything you mean because I don't know a lot on this topic. Do you need to do anything about this? Probably not. Although, it may elevate your writing and make it more accessible to give it a little more context - you don't have to describe or directly tell anything, but maybe give a little bit more of the "why" into everything. "Why" is Theseus being welcomed home, and by whom? "Why" do they seem to hate him because of things he's done in the past, I'd assume is what you mean? Giving us a little more context may be beneficial in some ways, but again, may not be what this poem means. Often I find that poems I love most have personal implications that can only be understood by the author because they have the context, but the listener or reader can still feel and understand the tone, mood, and feeling of the piece.

Also potentially related to what I said above, but what exactly is the difference between the two "sides" of writing? The one in underline and the one in italics. This might have been described if I had known more about Theseus, but maybe not. Again, it feels unclear who is speaking and what exactly is happening in those regards.

you flew the nest,

before you were ready—

Something about this is puzzling to me, mostly in a good way. (Well, really, all in a good way) I want to know more about this - it sparks a random curiosity in me that just has to know more about what's going on. From what I get from this, Theseus left home a while ago, and is only now returning home. Most of the rest of the poem feels like it's about all the ways him leaving negatively affected the person in italics, but here it's how maybe he was affected? If he wasn't ready, then what happened to him? I almost wish this had been explored a bit more.

Colors!

Everyone loves colors. What was amazing about the piece?
Your addition of the two different sides on the page isn't unheard of, but it isn't very common, and they way you arrange it is very unique. I don't think I've seen a poem with this style that had underline and italics to show the contrast between the different sides.

Also, the fact that the underlined side is using, what would you call that, first person technically? The fact that it is always using "we" is such a cool factor, and again, the contrast between it and the "I" in italics is so beautifully perfect. Especially because I think they fit so well. "We" just feels like underline, like a multitude of voices is speaking, while "I" for italics is so soft and so quaint, and they both have "i" I dunno I just love that so much.

Also, the addition of yellow in such a thoughtful way is honestly something I'm not sure I've seen before? At least so openly. I had no idea yellow used to be used in that way, that's crazy. I love the little fact of that. Is that considered a part of the poem? If it is, very nicely incorporated. If it's not, thank you so much for including this fact, it elevates the poem so much higher and brings more meaning to not just the word "yellow," but to other words as well. It's coming from an author that things about at least some of their words, and it's kind of fun to go back and see what other word might hide some significance.

This honestly feels a lot like birds to me - and also reminds me of Icarus. Wings and falling and flying and nests and cliffs and a literal bird; they give that sense of freedom but also of fragility and the shortness of life and of flight. But it also feels like betrayal and loneliness in a way.

—leave me,

without wings

And then the way you tied it all back together? It basically starts with the italics side falling, and then the reason later on. This sentence packs so much punch in here it just sends a thrill up my spine each time I read it.

—leave us—

Okay and then the contrast between leaving and welcoming someone back? What kind of sorcerer/ess are you and where did you become a master of juxtaposition?

Basket of Flowers
Closing thoughts
Thank you so much for writing and sharing! I'll be honest, I wasn't excited to write a review, but the fact that this poem was so wonderful made it so much better, so thank you. I love the creativity present in this poem, as well as the emotions and themes you were able to express. The sheer amount of thought that I can feel went into this, especially when considering the contrastingly different sides of the piece just elevate that feeling even more. I'm curious, how long did it take you to write this? If you say under half an hour I'd be thoroughly surprised; how does one write such amazing poems in such a short amount of time. And if it's more - still how did you end up with such an amazing poem how does that make sense.

Please never stop writing your poetry! It's like going into another world, which is an amazing dive into what you manage to say through the limited amount of words you use. Have a fantastic day/night, and hope you're taking care. Keep writing! ^^

Hey there, APoltergeist!

Q here to review your poem for the in-depth poetry reviewing event.

I really loved the way you set up this poem on the two separate sides of the screen. It instantly helped readers get the sense of the opposing opinions at work here, and it also makes the stanzas look kind of like cliffs. With the dashes, we visually have to "leap" to the next stanza, so I think that works really well with the idea of falling as well. Really cool move on that set-up.

I wasn't sure, however, that both underline and italics were needed? I do think the italics help with separating out the voices, helping to enhance the two visual sides. The underline might not be totally necessary, but up to you.

welcome home theseus,
let us embrace you with—

—a sharp knife digging into my back,
shoving me off the cliff

I love how your first few lines really go for it! I think that's totally in keeping with how things must have happened -- a brief welcome and embrace, only too soon to realize it's a betrayal. I think that sharp style absolutely takes center stage here in the best way.

fly, little bird, fly. (you said)
you always told me that i would.
i never listened—

—when we told you the world was a cold, cruel place,
...
you flew the nest,
before you were ready—

I really liked the repetition of the bird and flight imagery. It makes the falling so much sadder. The reason I put these lines together is because I had a bit of a question about the interpretation. I thought that line, "i never listened--" kind of applied both to what came before it, and what came after it. Like, before you get to the next stanza, the first impression is that Theseus didn't listen when being told he was a bird. So then it seems strange that he would have "[flown] the nest, / before [he was] ready."

I think since you're playing with these two sides, it would be cool if you could read those jumps in different ways, since that's really what the first one does: it presents that contrast. Now, they seem to be helping each other say the same thing. It would be neat to help highlight what Theseus thought he never listened to that he should have versus how these other people choose to interpret that.

For example, I think that's really well done here:

how could you—
—leave us—
—leave me,

On the one hand, I feel like Theseus is saying, "How could you leave me?!" The other narrators could also be saying "How could you leave us?" (in reference to whatever was going on with him flying the nest too early that they're clearly deeply upset with!). OR, a third option is that the other narrators are just saying "Leave us," like a command, as they're getting rid of Theseus. There's so much potential in that exchange and a bunch of layers of meaning that I can see!

so welcome back theseus,
as we embrace you with open arms.

Wow. I thought these two lines said SO MUCH, even though they're mostly a repetition of the first two lines. In fact, that's why they seem to say so much, because even after Theseus has already told us that he was welcomed with a stab to the back, these other narrators insist on making that statement again. That repetition immediately characterizes those narrators as, to my mind, oozing insincerity and generally being malicious, plus being so badgering that they're trying to get a point across after being interrupted. I don't know, something about that instantly set a creepy tone. Love it.

—i was falling,
and all i could see
was hundreds of eyes
watching me
as the cliff soared past
in shades of monochrome yellow*.
how could you—

Oof. I like the image of the cliff "soaring" past, because it makes it seem like the cliff is flying upwards really fast as the narrator is going down. I did wonder why you went into past tense here? There's some past tense earlier, when Theseus talks about what these guys used to say, but the welcome and the stabbing all seemed like they were in the present moment. It seemed a little strange to slip that tense here, but maybe I'm reading it wrong.

I also had a quick comment on the color yellow. It definitely stands out, as a lot of your poem, I think, is built on the exchange between voices more so than the imagery. Though I love the idea of a bird flying the nest, we don't really see any images related to the stabbing, who all is there, the falling -- until now. (And for the record, it doesn't feel like the poem needs that! I'm just noticing why this section stands out )

I'm sort of torn because I love how your explanation adds depth to the story, but also wondering if there's any way you can do away with the explanation. Is there any way to incorporate some of that context within the poem itself? Of course the history bit might not necessarily make sense, but maybe you could say something along the lines of "...shades of monochrome yellow / marking them as traitors for the ages," ahh that obviously didn't fit well with what you wrote. I guess I'm just thinking if yellow is an integral part of the poem, then it doesn't need to be explained outside of it? But like I said, I'm torn, because I really like the background as well. :/ Really neat idea to incorporate that history either way, though!!

—leave me,
without wings.

And what a perfect time to call back to your bird imagery. <3 It's a very shattering ending.

I think one of the things I love best about this poem is that even though I have no idea who these people are, and am not aware of this particular bit of mythology, I totally don't need to know to emotionally connect with this poem and feel its power. You did such a good job of setting the tone and creating this duality in the exchange these characters have and it really feels like the rug is pulled out from under you in the best way!

Great job with this, and let me know if you have any questions.

-Q

Hai :3

I adore this!! The structure is like a wave crashing and pulling back, constantly pulling me in and then throwing me off balance, which is so Theseus and that whole idea of betrayal!! The way you use dashes to cut off thoughts feels almost like a punch to the gut ~~ Like, it’s disorienting in the best way, and I’m falling right alongside the speaker!! It makes it feel like a conversation; one that's broken, fragmented, just like Theseus himself after his trials. It's so hard to capture that!!

The use of that knife metaphor so early on?!? It feels like a literal stab in the back, but the deeper you go, the more it feels emotional. It's like being betrayed by the people who were supposed to care for you. At first, everything sounds like encouragement, but then you realize it's more like they're pushing you off a cliff, knowing you’ll fall. Like, they're setting Theseus up for failure while pretending it's for his own good. That's so surprisingly poetic to me, more than I imagined!!

i was falling,
and all i could see
was hundreds of eyes
watching me

That is SO haunting !!!

It’s like Theseus is completely abandoned, and not only that, people are just watching, not helping. That makes the fall feel even more lonely and devastating. The monochrome yellow is super intriguing too!! It’s like the world is drained of color and joy but still holds that sickly hue of yellow ~~ Then, you learn what the color actually represents in the end note, and it runs even deeper than before.

^^^ I wish the yellow came up more!! If it's enough to have its own footnote, I'd imagine it was a theme that was mentioned throughout. I LOVE the image of the cliff passing by in "monochrome yellow," but it stands out as a color choice that feels a little unclear in its meaning. I know what it symbolizes because I read the end, but when I first saw it, I only had one question: why yellow? I think you could expand a lot more on the fall if I'm being honest. It fell kinda, pun intended, flat.

how could you—
—leave us—
—leave me,
without wings

This ending is killer!! The whole poem feels like this delicate balance between anger and hurt, and you absolutely nailed the end!! It's like Theseus is blaming both the world and himself, which gives it this complexity. It's easy to read something mythological and enjoy it, but it's hard to truly humanize them ~~ I think using Theseus as the central figure here works so well. He's so underrated!!

This was such a good poem!! It’s all about falling, both literally and metaphorically, and you captured that feeling perfectly. Amazing job!! ^_^

- Payton