Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
***Content Warning; mentions of self-harm, and a whole underlying theme of suicide.***
d
r
i
p,
d
r
i
p,
d
r
i
p
p
i
n
g
down freckled arms;
s
l
i
d
i
n
g
into still-bleeding scars,
leaving
s
t
r
e
a
k
s
of brilliant crimson
on pale flesh.
For the feeling of adrenaline
pum-
pump-
pumping
through blue veins
as cold iron slices
through them.
and hearts
as your message
appears on the screen
black on blue background,
but still yellow to me.
For the happiest time of my life,
the color of a simple hello
from five years ago,
tucked away in my \m/i/n\d/.
licking dangerously
at nibbled fingertips;
burn marks fresh.
For the way fire bites,
heavy and cloying is
the scent
of bUrNiNg skin.
For the warning signs F L A S H I N G
out at me from the side streets;
always present but completely ignored.
For dandelions, pretty
but they're only
infectious
W E E D S.
Like me.
W
o
r
m
i
n
g
into places where they
so clearly don't belong.
my least favorite candy and color
but you always argued with me
that M&Ms were better than Skittles
(which they're not)
but now I realize
it was a way to distract me
from the messy rearrangements my organs like to make
in the breaths between sentences,
in the pause between words,
so that i had no need
for iron and nails
to tear apart my body
piece by piece
until i'm nothing but scraps of human
and shadow
the best kind, the impossible kind.
It's for delicate veins spiraling underneath skin,
an intricate web of kindness that only you could have.
lining my b a t t e r e d
and b/r/ok\\e\n body.
It's for sickly sweet grapes;
artificial,
like the people i call friends.
You were never grapes,
you were salty butter,
m
e
l
t
i
n
g
on my tongue,
the crisp, sharp taste of tart black cherries
that aren't really black, but the richest purple.
***
We were the colors of the rainbow,
messy and BRIGHT,
but now i am only
blacks and whites.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
Hello, friend! Let's get into it!
.
Okay, to start, I'm SO SO sad that I didn't see this sooner! I'm a tad late ( a tad late being 3 whole months... ) on this review. Whoops! Also, just a warning, my reviews aren't all fancy-shmancy with all the structure and style and all... but I will still try my best to be helpful
I loved how free flowing this poem was (that might be a bit obvious because it's free-verse, but I just wanted to add that in.) I am a big fan of poetry that is not confined to rules and structure! It just flows wildly and I love it! I also thought it was cool how you added some concrete poetry (creating shapes or pictures out of words) in there! It added this sort of drama that normal ol' poems don't have. Another thing. How you emphasized and styled certain words also added a much needed spice! Like
That's so clever how you literally broke up the word "broken". Genius!
There are so many likable things about this poem. If I were to list them all, well, I'd be just reiterating the whole poem!
I just have one correction (I was actually scouring this thing for errors because I wanted this to be a review, not just a compliment. Trust me, it is SO hard to find ONE error in this thing. It's close to perfect.)
The error is clear. M&Ms ARE NOT YOUR LEAST FAVORITE CANDY IF THEY ARE THAT WOULD BE A CRIME!!! *ahem* Just kidding, just kidding. You have a right to dislike M&Ms. Honestly, Skittles ARE better than M&Ms, but M&Ms are still delicious...
ANYway. Excuse my jabbering. This is a rather long sentence, as it takes up the whole GREEN color section. It runs on for a while. Maybe you could cut it up into more individual sentences, like this:
Overall, I loved reading and reviewing this amazing poem. Happy writing!
Inferno
Ahhh, thank you for the review! I will admit, I have seriously improved (personal opinion) in my free-verse writing since this piece, but I'm glad you took the time to review it anyways!!
Not much else to say but WOW! I love the way that you structured the "drip, drip, dripping...sliding" section; it brought so much emphasis. I also really liked how you used the theme of colours to relate to the variety of themes underneath the umbrella of mental health. Really hoping to read more from you!!
Hello hello hello, fellow author! I saw your work and decided to deliver a bird-themed review for you, partially inspired by the YWS S'more Method! Let’s dive right into it! (Bird-style, of course)
Bird’s-Eye View: First Impressions!
I LOVE color metaphors. When I first saw this, I knew I had to check it out. And I was not disappointed! This was a very personal piece that delved into the emotions of losing someone of importance, and possibly the loss of one's own stability.
Now, as for this next part, it is purely my interpretation of the poem and what I got from it. If I'm going in a completely different direction than you intended then you can correct me if you would like. These are just what I personally took from the poem. Hopefully, this will give you a sense of how you portrayed this piece.
What I interpreted from this piece was that the narrator fell into a state of depression after losing someone close to them. From the line, "you were like butter/ m e l t i n g / against my tongue" I got the idea that this was a romantic relationship. Not only that, but it seemed that the narrator was almost dependent on this person, as it is previously described that this person kept bad feelings at bay. Specifically with this idea, we get the line, "so that i had no need / for iron and nails / to tear apart my body," insinuating that this person prevented or distracted the narrator from hurting themself. And when the person they loved left, the narrator is left in "blacks and whites," seemingly all joy gone from their life.
Flying High: Things I Loved!
As I said before, I love color metaphors. I feel you did a really good job with this, specifically choosing colors that meant something to you and this relationship. It really all ties together in the last line, as well, when you write,
*Please ignore my lack of proper structure here; I really didn't want to write all the code in.*
This idea is also enforced by bolding different words that relate to darkness or the color black, which I thought was super clever! It really made me go "Ohhhh" at the end!
I also feel you did an amazing job at conveying emotion in this piece. I could feel the emotions you described in this piece, which, to me, is always a good indication of well-portrayed emotions. This poem felt very vulnerable, and I am very glad you shared it! I love the uniqueness of this poem, (and all of your poems) and loved it all together.
Bird Song: Favorite Lines!
The funny thing about this line is that I originally thought of the actual iron that is in our veins, but then I thought, "yeah I don't think that's what it means..." Still, I thought this line had a lot of emotion attached to it. The word choice you used here allowed for a nice flow as I read.
I love the extended metaphor here! You continued the the idea of grapes and describing people as food into the next line, which made it easy to connect meaning to the people you described. I also thought you were spot-on with describing purple as "artificial grapes."
*Also thought I'd add that I absolutely adored the last stanza*
Preen Your Feathers: A Bit of Advice!
I'm going to be really picky here because I didn't find anything inherently wrong with this poem, but I still want to provide a helpful critique. As always, take and leave what you please!
One thing I'll point out here is a spot of "hmmm." In lack of other words.
I mean, as for my screen, the text bubbles are usually blue and the background is black, so it made me wonder if there was a mix-up there. However, I know that different platforms and phones look different, so this could have been intentional. I thought I would point it out anyway!
There were two spots in this poem when you described veins as "delicate." This is fine and I didn't even notice it on the first read-through, but to avoid repetition, consider a different word.
In this line, if you were intending that the scars are "still bleeding" and not yet healed, then a hyphen would be appropriate.
Again, these are honestly just super tiny details, but I really wanted to find something to provide a helpful review. This poem was amazing!
Lifting Off: Closing Thoughts!
Overall, this was a touching poem that told an intricate story. With the use of different colors, all representing something unique about the relationship, you conveyed deep emotions and memories throughout the piece. The intricate structure and stylistic choices add meaning and symbolism to the words ou chose. This poem was very beautiful and kept me wanting to read. I look forward to your next piece!
May the birds sing to you, and keep on writing! -Avian
Aww, I appreciate this review so much. I know how hard it is to find problems with poetry, especially freeform poetry (which is why I avoid reviewing it like the plague) and I'm glad you took the time to nitpick some things out!
I know that line about the colors of the messages is really odd and appears backwards, but I promise that is completely intended. We didn't meet texting and instead on an online RP site, hence the color scheme.
I'll fix the 'delicate' repetitions, I didn't even notice when I was rereading through it. I think I did that because all of my blue chunks got deleted by accident when I reloaded before saving. There was supposed to be more but I had to rewrite it with a really frustrated attitude and I forgot a little piece in there plus the repetition.
Hey, Polt, I find it only appropriate that I review this bold and unique poem with my custom, and first, template:
RAINBOW
RED: | Energy
ORANGE: | Success
YELLOW: | Happiness
GREEN: | Quality
BLUE: | Loyalty
PURPLE: | Luxury
Thank you for the review ^^
I did try to do colors but it simply wasn't working for me, so I stopped.
Also, in your Blue/Loyalty section where you mention prosthetics, I'm afraid that has nothing to do with it. Iron was referring to a knife, since when you think of those, you typically think of the blade as iron and the nails were fingernails, since that specifically has a very much deeper meaning to me.
As for the layout of this poem, I'm not sure how to format a poem "properly" with rhyming words and whatnot. I'm not good at it, so I much prefer this freeform style.
Check out my Book Of Poems Vol.1 and see how I format the poems. But, I see you are a big fan of free-writing poems, which is great. But, occasionally, you should use metre in your poems to add a sort of rhythm. I like your style, but it is fun to always explore the other styles as well.