......when I came back...I saw him
he was sleeping soundly with his head on desk. I came closer tip toed...made sure he didn't get disturbed.
I sat beside him.
only half an hour was left for the program.
...I thought of waking him up for once.
..but,.for some reason I couldn't.
.
He was so calm, with a look of content on his face, it was clean and bright.
his lips seemed dry with a little tinch of red shade.
A ray of sunlight crept from the window adorning the scenario,
some of his hair was falling upon his eyes, fulfilling his charm
..he is all so serene~
.
a sudden sound on the window side, interrupted the beautiful sight.
did he wake up?
...I looked at the window and back to him again.
he shrugged a little...and was still calm again.
huh. What was I doing?
still adoring him? makes no sense.
.the paintbrush caught my eyes.
.... I don't know why these unusual thoughts keep coming into mind.
but in the next moment...I had already took the brush put some black paint...and was into my arttt..
...the flawless strokes
and brush marks at curves~
And the little details made it look prettier and prettiest...
done!
...just a moment before I left his hand.
I saw my real art....I felt him
the warmth of his hand...his slow and calm breathing...evoked a sense of nostalgia ~
..he shrugged again...
someone called from downstairs.
I left his hand...and went off...
...I called his name loudly before going downstairs...
...later I heard everyone asking him, who had drawn that pretty tattoo on his hand.?
...he seemed confused all day...
..a mischievous smile came upon my face.
. Heh-
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138,414 Literary Works • 672,115 Reviews
Hi there! xx
It's Coffee, here to drop an unsuspecting sweet review like when you have that first sip of hot chocolate on a chilly day. I'm going to refer to the character as "they" since I don't want to assume it's "she" lol. [sorry if I overthought it haha] AH and btw if this is written based on a personal experience, girlll!! YOU'RE SO LUCKY AND I SHIP YOUU! If not, it is still very cute!^^ I should stop waffling now so let's dive into it, shall we?
First of all, a romance!! EEEEEK, I loveeee romantic stuff!!
I love the sweet, easy-going and cute vibe of this! The descriptions are so good!!
The sweet moments you wrote, it was as if I could see them happening before me like a drama! I could picture the sunlight sneaking beautiful rays, the soft looks the character must have given the sleeping boy and the mischievous, sly grin that crept onto the character's face when they enjoyed watching the boy's adorable confusion. Ahhh it's so sweet!^^
I love this line especially!
I found this soo cute because the character made an effort to not wake him up and it shows how much they like him! It's a small gesture but I find it so adorable! The way they describe the sunlight illuminating his face makes me go all mooshy inside! [I know that's not a word but it describes my emotions<3]
Another quote I loved was this one!
Now this is a clear sign of denial to me!! It shows me that the character very obviously and passionately likes the boy but is still battling her inner demons^^ heh. They like the boy and admire him but maybe they think the relationship could or maybe should never go there?
It's adorableee~
I also noticed a few things that seemed EVER so slightly off.[Like chem mentioned in her review]
For example,
This was such a cute add in to the description but the way you phrased it didn't really satisfy me. "Falling upon his eyes", I couldn't really picture that, I pictured it in a weird way hahah.
Also, the "tinch" quote she mentioned lol, I presumed it's a word and I was just dumb haha but now she mentioned it I think it must have been a typo.
What she mentioned about being lost between the transition of painting and mindless gazing seemed a point to consider as well!
Overall, I absolutely LOVED this and definitely keep writing!! I loved the "heh" at the end as the others mentioned too, I could picture the glee on the character's face watching the boy staring confused at his hand.^^ If you continue writing more romance make sure to send me some, I'll enjoy reading it!!
Have a good day/night/afternoon/evening/morning and see you around!
-coffee x
Hey wonderful person! I’m here to give you some feedback on this fantastic poem-short story hybrid.
First of all, I absolute ADORE the vibe of this!! It is so soft and sweet, and I can feel the narrator’s love for the person they are speaking about.
There are just a few things that could be changed to clear up the poem and make those lovely emotions shine through just a little better.
Overall, I notice you use a lot of ellipses (...) and while this does add a lot of softness to the piece, it also feels overused in some places. I would remove them in some places, and keep them for the narrator’s thoughts and feelings throughout rather than concrete descriptions.
I especially don’t think we need an ellipsis at the very start of your, because overall ellipses are used to connect things and convey a sense of drifting off--with the ellipsis at the beginning, it doesn’t make a lot of sense. Where is the sentence drifting from?
Did you mean “tinge”? Also, the word “shade” isn’t really necessary here--it drags on the sentence where there could be a nice flow.
I don’t really understand the bolded phrase--perhaps elaborate on that!!
In the second section, you end lines with “again” two times, and while repetition can be valuable and add more meaning, here it didn’t strike me as meaningful--I’d recommend thinking of other ways to phrase the second line.
Throughout the next section, I notice you talk about art and paintings, but the transition seems a little abrupt. I was a bit lost there. Maybe think of a way to cleanly transition between the observation and the paintings, to keep the flow going a bit better.
Finally, I think the “Heh-” at the end breaks the soft and elegant tone you have going on. It makes it seem a little half-hearted, or sarcastic--which I can tell is not the vibe you’re going for!!
Overall, I enjoyed reading this so much!! The voice is very soft, and it reminds me of a sunlit morning with someone you love. It’s very peaceful in that way. I can’t wait to see what else you create!
Keep writing!
<3, chem
Aw. This was such a cute story. I love the little "Heh-" at the end. The tone of this story is light and happy, almost like a daydream. This story is very calm and refreshing. As someone who usually reads thrillers and horror, It's nice to have a break from all the dark and melancholy for something light and sweet. I have nothing to critique, so good job.
THANK YOU SO MUCH @Nikkythecatlover12