I wrote the letter thinking, you would read it atleast twice.
Cause I wrote with love,
But getting it back was a little tough,
I wrote with a little pain,
Although I knew it would all go in vain,
....still I wrote and wrote till tears roll down my cheek,
Who knew, not a single piece of it held value to him.
..
It was yesterday that I woke up and realised,
It was all a dream haha,
I got ready and left for work,
On the table there was still a diary of mine,
With words of emotions dancing on pages,
Who knew, who knew, hahaaaa
He was never mine
.The way he wrapped his arms around her, with warmth and soothing embrace,
Softly stroking her hair with his fingertips.
the way his eyes looked at her, make me wish I was blind~
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139,205 Literary Works • 672,505 Reviews
Loved the drama and emotion in this! The general tone is quite casual while still remaining to have that deep pain; I like the touch of this poem being so human despite the drama. My favorite lines were "Who knew, not a single piece of it held value to him." because of it being great execution of something simple, "With words of emotions dancing on pages" and "The way he wrapped his arms around her, with warmth and soothing embrace" due to the language being so lovely. Although the particular choice to create this tone with the "haha" is a questionable one due to that being potentially distracting to some readers. While I say this, I do try to acknowledge the importance of those onomatopoeia—that is to give emphasis on how the speaker's attempt at putting a facade of normalcy in regards to the heartbreak is deconstructed the longer the poem goes on.
Personally, what would be less distracting is if the first "haha" were to be taken out, while the dragged out "hahaaaa" lessens into a "haha!" or "ha!". While the usage of onomatopoeia in writing is fine, the execution of this here was a little off.
Other than that, I noticed the a few single lines would be a mix of present and past tense which was slightly distracting. I will proceed to give a few (nitpick) notes when it comes to grammar issues that totally are not required to fix! Take this lightly though, and it is possible I could be wrong about why some verb tenses should be different.
"Roll" would be "rolled" due to the past tense of "wrote".
"Make" would be "made" due to the past tense of "looked". There is also a period in front of "The" which is odd, is that a possible typo? Also unrelated to grammar but it can be possible that "eyes looked" can be considered repetitive due to the word "looked" already assuming that one's eyes are looking at a subject, so specifying that "eyes looked" is can be considered a bit redundant (Hope I explained decently enough). Though, consider those are some "hardcore rules" I see in writing forums but don't always have to be followed, so you're cool. In fact, I really don't mind that rule isn't "followed" here due to it also giving emphasis on the speaker's hyper-awareness towards the man's behavior towards his girlfriend, which is pretty fitting for this poem because of what it revolves around (heartbreak).
Continuing on about this line; I do find the tilde at the end pretty odd considering the tone of this stanza? The tilde line is typically associated with expressing fun, silly, light-hearted, or a soft tone, so I'm unsure if the heartbroken tone will be fully comprehended by some people without any distraction due to how the tilde can be interpreted as not fitting for the tone.
Other than all of that, I do think this is a nice poem. It's very human!
Thanks for the review!!
Your poem bled emotions....I could feel the ache in every word. So beautifully written.
Thank you sm!!
Hey there sulagna!! Here again to give you a review, apologies if it’s a bit short.
Again loving your tone here!! It feels so lively and yet painful, like a person pretending to be alright. It’s quite creative!
I do think that it would benefit from having the “haha” removed, just to keep that beautiful tone intact. Plus, since it’s very poetic, it could definitely be categorized as poetry!! Just my thoughts, of course.
The last few lines are quite beautiful!! Really capturing the pain of seeing someone you love with someone else.
You’ve also got some capitalization errors, but Ronin’s already pointed them out so I’ll save you. XD
Overall, I enjoyed reading this!! I might add more later to this review :)
<3, chem
Thanks for the review !
Hello, just wanted to leave a review to say that you did an amazing job! This is such a beautiful, gut-wrenching, but I did notice some spelling and punctuation mistakes here and there.
Because* or 'cause* if you want to keep it short.
the G should be lowercase since the word doesn't begin the sentence, and lil should be changed to little
although*, and I should be capitalized
Almost missed this one XD but at and least should be two separate words
I would also like to mention the rhyme scheme as well. It looks like you were going for an aabb kind of rhyme scheme at first but then abandoned it in the second paragraph. I'm still new to poetry myself so I can't really explain why it matters, but for the sake of consistency and clarity for people reading, you should play around with the lyrics a bit more and try to find a rhyme scheme that works throughout the whole piece
Overall, this is still a beautiful piece, just with a few minors here and there. Hope this helps! Happy writing!