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FLAT NO 78

by sulagna


FLAT NO: 78

My name is Anna and me and my family have recently shifted to a new society. Within a short period of time I had made a few friends.

Among them my best buddy was Emma. We had quit a number of time visited each other’s house. We also had lunch together .

One day we decided to go for a walk at night. The day we had chosen was perfect. The night was silent and cold breeze had filled the atmosphere. I quickly dressed and went down.

We had started talking about different topics. We were talking about the approaching vacation. As we were talking it suddenly started to rain. We quickly approached our community hall for shelter.

We sat there for a while waiting for the rain to stop. Suddenly we heard a loud noise of horn and turning wheels of a car. We did not pay attention to it as we wanted to go home.

I started going through my mobile when suddenly I heard Emma pointing out at somebody. I turned my attention to the narrow path in front of us . A tall man wearing a hat was approaching us. He was dressed in black and wore a coat with an umbrella held firm in his hand .we could not see his face because of his huge hat.

He was walking slowly and in a creepy manner. Soon he approached us and asked in a low and grim voice “do you know where is flat no 78?”. We were so scared that we did not dare to answer. But he was waiting for an answer. After a few moments later he turned left and started moving in his same manner.

Out of fear we ran to our homes as quickly as possible.

The next day was a morning of pale sunlight entering through the windows and hearing the birds singing. I went to my father’s room to say good morning. As I entered I heard the noise of the tv. As I peeped in to the tv I was freezed . The news informed that a man was hit my a car last night infront of our society. It was the same trime when I had gone for a a walk . I then remembered about the strange person last night. I asked my om that where was flat no 78? But to my shock she answered that there is no more flat after flat no 77. I was completely shocked at that moment . I would never forget that night ever!


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559 Reviews


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Sun May 31, 2020 9:57 pm
Tenyo wrote a review...



Hey Sulagna!

Oh gosh, that ending! It's so ambiguous, but in a good way.

Ifthe man who got hit by a car was the man who they had spoken to... when they spoke to him, was he alive and still looking for the flat, or had he already been hit by a car nearby and they just couldn't see in the dark? He could have been a ghost at that point.

The fact that Flat 78 doesn't exist could mean anything. Maybe it exists but nobody knows about it, like it burned down or something. It can't all be a ghost story because for it to be on the news then *somebody* must have gotten hit that night.

I think you've done great to create such a mystery in a very short space. The plot is clear and concise. If you were to improve, then I think showing some things rather than telling would be good. Like, instead of saying that the man moved in a creepy manner, you could show what it was about him that made it creepy.

I enjoyed this story. Thank you for posting!




sulagna says...


Thank u for ur wonderful review!



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Wed May 20, 2020 7:09 pm
mellifera wrote a review...



Hello sulagna! Hope you don't mind if I drop by for a review today :)


My name is Anna and me and my family have recently shifted to a new society. Within a short period of time I had made a few friends.


As a whole, there's nothing that particularly stands out about this first line that really hooks me in or makes me want to read more. However, the "new society" does intrigue me, but I wished it had been explained a little more to introduce your reader what the story is going to be about. What kind of society is it? Does it have a name? Why the switch? Obviously you can't answer all these questions on the first line, but if you have something that stands out and presents itself on the first line, you'll draw the reader in to read for more information.

We had quit a number of time visited each other’s house


I think you meant "quite"? I'm not going to go over too much grammar, especially since it seems like zc927 seems to have already covered that!

I quickly dressed and went down.


Went down where? Is she in her house? Emma's? Someone else's? Is she somewhere else? There's no prior explanation that would clarify what this line means.

We had started talking about different topics. We were talking about the approaching vacation. As we were talking it suddenly started to rain. We quickly approached our community hall for shelter.


One of the glaring issues here is not anything wrong with the story, but you are leaning into telling the reader everything. I'm sure you've heard of "show, don't tell" (or maybe you haven't!), but when you're writing fiction like this, you want to lean further into showing parts of your story. Taking the example from the paragraph I quoted specifically, show their conversation in a dialogue exchange rather than telling the reader they were having one ("Are you excited to go on vacation soon?" "Are you kidding? Of course I am! I've been waiting for months!" <- not necessarily that exchange, but this would give more insight into characters and background on the situation).

We sat there for a while waiting for the rain to stop.


What were they doing to pass the time? I find it a little hard to believe they say silently all that time doing absolutely nothing. Maybe they play a game like I Spy, or 20 Questions, or maybe they pace around under the shelter while they wait.

I started going through my mobile


If Anna has a phone, why doesn't she call someone to pick them up? Rain could take up to hours to stop, so waiting around seems unreliable. Is there a reason they can't get a ride home, or something preventing them from doing so?

we could not see his face because of his huge hat.


While there's not necessarily an issue with this line (aside from "We" should be capitalised!), it could do with some description! "Through the rain and the dark of the night, it was impossible to see his features, but even were the conditions clear, the large brim of his hat dipped down too far the make out even the hint of his expression." This describes the hat a little more, as well as adding atmosphere!

He was walking slowly and in a creepy manner.


What about his walk is creepy? Is he shambling? Maybe he's hunched over? Maybe he keeps stopping and standing still at random intervals? This would be another place where you want to show how the man is walking creepily, rather than telling it, so the reader has a better sense of character and what kind of threat he may pose (as I assume that was what you were going for?).

Soon he approached us


In the last paragraph, you already mentioned the man was approaching them, so you don't need to repeat yourself!

We were so scared that we did not dare to answer.


I'm not saying that I wouldn't be frightened if a strange man approached me, but what exactly are they afraid of? How are they afraid? Can Anna feel Emma trembling beside her? Is her heart pounding? Asking the whereabouts of Flat 78 isn't an inherently unsettling question, and it also doesn't make sense. What apartment complex? What street? Is this something that pertains to the new society where they don't have any of these things?

The next day was a morning of pale sunlight entering through the windows and hearing the birds singing.


Here's some good description that gives us a sense of atmosphere and a calm after what happened the previous night!

As I peeped in to the tv I was freezed


This should be "As I peeped into the room and saw the tv, I froze" :)

It was the same trime when I had gone for a a walk


"Time" and singular "a".

I asked my om that where was flat no 78?


I think this is meant to be "mom"?


An interesting story premise!

I'm still curious about this society that's been mentioned. It doesn't seem to differentiate from our own in present day, but there's no expansion on it and it's never really explained in the prose. If you plan on revising this, I would definitely urge you to add something about what kind of society you've created here!

I'm also not sure what the payoff was meant to be? What is so frightening or memorable about the man with the hat, or Flat 78? There's nothing unsettling about it simply not existing. I assume that there's history to it, and why the man who asked about it was killed the night after he asked about it, but you never tell us anything about it, and you lost the unnerving setting/plot I think you were trying to set up.

With expansion of such elements, I think you can have a very interesting story! I would be interested to see what you did further with this :)

Keep up the good work! If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!

I hope you have a wonderful day :D




sulagna says...


Thank u for the review...Please try on my new story



mellifera says...


sure! is that one Unusual Noises?



sulagna says...


Yess !



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Tue May 12, 2020 4:36 pm
zc927 wrote a review...



Overall, this is an interesting concept; however, I would definitely look into grammar fixes, and generally slowing down the pace of the story- easy mistake for many young writers. It seems that someone has already reviewed about grammar, so I'll just focus on helping slow you pace.

When you write with all one sentence structure, the story seems to fly by quickly, with very little impact on readers. Slow down certain sections, and lengthen others. For example:

He was walking slowly and in a creepy manner. Soon he approached us and asked in a low and grim voice “do you know where is flat no 78?”.


This is from your story. I think it would work better if you elongate and explain each part, since this is a climactic point of your story. I would write something like:

----------
He approached us slowly, the howling of the wind swirling ominously around us. His footsteps striked through the air in a piercing staccato, and from here, we could see just the bottom half of his face.

He asked, never moving his lips a seemingly simple question. "Do you know where flat no. 78 is?"

We froze, unsure how to answer. His voice seemed to glide through the humid air, and chills ran down our spines.

Who is he?
------------

My example isn't perfect(you would need to spend much more time on it), but I hope you get the gist.




sulagna says...


Oh really thank u ton point out my mistakes. You r really a good writer !
I would try to improve in my writing .... Thank a lot...zc927




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What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.
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