As I sit here at my work desk
I think about my co-interns and-rest
Or more accurately endure,
The sun is high in the sky
And the clouds are AWOL- glare!
...
Much as they have tasks to do
And I still have free hours to go
My supervisor’s soon giving me a task
And when he does, I’m hurling myself at it,
Like I never had a free moment
...
When I'm free, it’s so apparent
And if I'm engaged, same
Like the Seasonal River
Its dry sands now and when it rains, untamed torrents!
That’s my job’s nature
...
To work on the not-so-idle not-so-busy look now
I make that seem like an ideal, how?
That’s how I be…Me!
I can’t change my job
But I can even out…..
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This was a really great piece! You have a nice tone, and, overall, it wasn't lacking in many areas.
"And the clouds are AWOL- glare!" What? What does AWOL mean? Is it supposed to be funny?
"and-rest" Try it without the dash, "and rest."
"And when he does, I’m hurling myself at it," Try indenting. It flows better.
"And when he does
I’m hurling myself at it"
"Its dry sands now and when it rains, untamed torrents!" *It's
"To work on the not-so-idle not-so-busy look now" You're trying to hard. You should change that.
"But I can even out….." You shouldn't have 5 periods, and space them out (everywhere you have periods.) Like, "But I can even out . . ."
This was a great piece, but you should try to:
1. Make it a bit less choppy. Give it a better flow.
2. Rhyme.
Alex out!
Hey there! Purple here to give you a review! Let's get down to business.
What exactly does evening out mean to you? Clearly this concerns your job and your goals or passions, but what two or more things are you evening? What emotions or elements are you planning to set up for success; and to expand on this, what might go wrong? Exactly like when you ask in the last stanza, "how?" How are you going to manage all this? I would suggest elaborating on all that. It would add substance to the poem instead of just questioning.
"When I'm free, it’s so apparent
And if I'm engaged, same
Like the Seasonal River"
I would like to ask about what the purpose of saying 'same' is. Are you saying when you are engaged it is equally apparent as when you are free? If so this is unpoetic and should be revised. Now, if you meant when you are engaged it is like the seasonal river, then you should edit to
"And if I'm engaged,
I am one with the Seasonal River"
or
"And if I'm engaged,
it is like the Seasonal River"
Keep up the nice work and have a good day/night!
~Purple