As I sit here on my work desk
I think about my co-interns and-rest
because they have something to do
and I still have a free hours to go
before I receive my next task.
and when it comes ,I'm so in
like never before seen
if I'm free I'm Free
and if I'm engaged.....yeah.
To work on this not-so-idle not-so-busy look now
I make that seem like an ideal, how?
Thats the way I be...ME!
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,755 Reviews
This could have been a short story
I don't know whether that's your thing or not, but this definitely has potential for growth.
I would have appreciated some end of sentence punctuation here. (or end of line) just to make it more read-easy.
'this not-so-idle not-so-busy...' Some of the vocabulary you use is quite difficult to swallow when reading actually, you could have made it a bit easier on the eye, but I get that this is part of your voice and style and the characterisation of the piece. etc.
Yeah... I like this.
Especially the ending line, although you are missing an apostrophe: 'That's the way I be...ME!'
Hey there! Clarity here for a review.
So from your title, I assumed that this was going to be about an evening out somewhere. Then, I read your description and it was about how to respond to an "ordinary situation". Then, I read the actual poem, and it was about work, being free and then being engaged (being busy?). I don't really see how any of this links together. Despite my confusion, I'm going to give you some feedback that will hopefully help you improve.
The first problem I see is that you have three different ideas, yet only one is portrayed in the poem itself. The title helps give the audience an indication of what the poem might be about, and yours was quite the opposite. The description also does this, and your description was different to the title and the poem.
When I read a poem, I want it to make me think and make me wonder. I like to delve into the content and figure out what the meaning behind the poem is, and the author should convey this with their words as much as they can. With this, it doesn't make me think. I don't feel what you felt when you wrote this, I don't see what you saw when you wrote this. And that is what I need to be able to do when reading!
Your poem is too short for what you have written. I don't think you've done as much as you could. This poem, with work, could be a good concept on how we react to an ordinary situation, like you said in your description. But to do this, you need to re-read and re-write, and add more to the poem.
"On" should be "at" on the first line, and you don't need the "a" in you second to last line.
So you start of by introducing work, you succeeded here in getting the "ordinary" part of life included here. I've been introduced fairly well into the poem. But, you haven't captured my attention. You need to show me what this "something" is. I need more detail! You could separate this whole poem into stanzas, maybe four line stanzas? This way, you can add plenty of detail about one thing, without giving too much away if you don't want to. You could (in my opinion, should) make a whole stanza about this "something". Let us, as the audience, know what these people are doing. What are they doing that's so different to the narrator?
You say you have another task that you need to do, what is this? Show me with imagery! Use adjectives to describe this to me. Use metaphors, similes, hyperbole's and more literary devices! There are plenty of things you can use to make a poem, and any literary work, more interesting.
".....yeah" is not what we want to see. What is this showing? You're saying "so what?". You are saying this, but you are not showing us! I want to be able to imagine this person you are speaking of. I want to be able to feel the emotions they are feeling.
Write about this persons thoughts and feelings, but don't tell us that these are their thoughts and feelings. Do you get what I mean?
You need an apostrophe in "that's" because it's a contraction on "that is".
I actually quite like the line "I make that seem like an ideal, how?" You should definitely keep this. But, you need to elaborate on what you are making seem like an ideal. The line above sort of tells us, but you need to show us too!
Your last line is also a little too simple, you just need to put more detail into it! Make this poem longer, add details and use every poetic device available to you. (And that's all of them!)
I know that this could be a really awesome poem, but it does need some work.
Feel free to PM with any questions you have about this review, or if you're unsure on some things I've said.
Good luck with writing and Happy YWSing,
-Clarity.
Great, thanks! I posted this poem a bit too soon,before i worked on it. There's a link between description,title,persona and ideas, i can show that..i'm giving the poem some more time.
Okay. I hope I helped you!
yeah. a lot..i think i like YWSing.