Sadness
This constant sorrow
(An ugly, bulging monster)
Silently trickles into my mind
(Stop, stop, stop—!)
Phantom pain
(I have nowhere to hide)
Nabbing on my heart
(It hurts, it hurts so much)
Presenting itself as a never ending void
(That ate me up mercilessly)
Whispering terrors and nightmares to my ears
(I keep falling and falling)
As I helplessly clutch at the intangible nothingness
(Help)
Hoping, wishing that the extinguishing starlight
(Please…. Do something)
Would pull me out of this drone like life
(Mundane, everyday, boring routines)
And stop my speeding descent
(g=-9.8m/s^2 too fast for anything to catch me)
Into despair and insanity
2nd Poetry: Goodbye
This simple word
carries a long way
You wish the other a well being
You wish them 'good' luck
You send a little part of you
with the remark
To someone
who you may or may not see again
It tears you apart
little by little
every time
But you cannot do anything
to stop it.
After all, it is just a little
silly, wishful sentiment
Time and time
You say goodbye
Each time taking a little emotion away
Leaving a gaping hole
in your heart
that grows bigger, larger.
Some to your enemies, people you loathe
But most to your friends, companions
and even more.
After all,
you are wishing them 'good'bye
Moving around rapidly
You learn to say the word apathetically
It's just a simple goodbye,
you tell yourself
One day you might meet again
But deep down
you know
Goodbyes are not always temporary
How could you meet everyone you have every acquainted
Again?
It is too easy to get emotionally attached
Too easy to be terribly heart broken
You learn that
Friendship
Is a thing too easily shattered
There is nothing like lasting friendship
A simple catastrophe can break people apart
Unforgiving fate
And disaster
Sometimes a goodbye is not even in order
Sometimes a goodbye is not even said
Sometimes a goodbye is not enough.
A/N: Please drop me a note after you've read it! I know I'm not a good poet, but I really want to try the genre out! Please pardon my mistakes.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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128,087 Literary Works • 671,488 Reviews
There good poems. The first one was almost a little hard to read but they're good.
Goodbye is such a hard word, I've never said it though. But I know it's not always a sad thing, once you say goodbye you can move on to say hello. With every end there is a new beginning. But I feel you, friendships don't last too long. So keep writing and fighting. Poetry isn't that hard.
I love how in the first poem their is a hidden message in every line, that you would not regularly see in poetry. " Phantom pain (I have nowhere to hide)" you are saying something but there is a deeper meaning behind your words, I love it!
The second poem is just as good if not better!
"After all, it is just a little
silly, wishful sentiment"
should be
"After all, it is just a little silly,
wishful sentiment"
Just a small adjustment. Your poems are really good! Keep writing!
You have an interesting style!
And don't listen to some critics write however you want, they are your poems do what you want with them!
Ok the first poem.
What the heck have you done here? I have no idea what you have done here, but there are some weird lines. I am not sure how to read it. I am not even sure if the right hand lines even are part of the poem. Whatever you have put them there for please don't just write it normally.
Second poem. You need punctuation at the end of some lines. Also be consistant with your capital letters. For example-
I also feel like some of your lines are a bit short. You could turn in some of those smaller lines into one longer line which will help with the reading a bit.
Hey there! Raabia here with your review. So to start off, I really like this and the message it conveys. A very well written poem filled with metaphors and similes. The beginning was really good. Keep going 'coz your amazing. There are a few mistakes here and there which I am sure you will catch up. Why dont you try rechecking your poem for mistakes and grammar errrors. That way it just helps alot.
REGARDS
HAPPY REVIEW DAY
I thought it was great ^^
Hey there! Ariana with your review. So to start off, I really like this. This was very eloquently written, complete with an array of figurative language such as similies and metaphors. I liked the beginning the most though-it was really nicely written. I honestly didn't see any errors here in the areas of grammar and spelling, which was good. In all honesty, I couldn't find anything h to critique you on. You started this and finished this up very smoothly and it was a real pleasure to read . So thanks for posting it!
Don't put yourself down, you are a good poet. Not as good as the Masters, but we can all here on YWS only ever dream to be like them someday.
But, you are good. That's why I liked this.
Grammar, spelling wise (on both) I found no mistakes.
I did find this in "Sadness", however, and I'm not sure what's up with it.
As for "Goodbye", you should break it into stanzas and add a little punctuation to improve flow.
Peace,
HT