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140,079 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
I am totally in love with this poem! You have a way with words that tangles the reader in the beautiful web you are weaving. The poem as a whole was fabulous but the last two stanzas just melt my heart. It's absolutely enticing! The rhythm is a bit off-beat at places but the beauty of the image that you are creating makes up for that.
I truly enjoyed reading this poem. Welcome to YWS! Keep writing. I look forward to read more of your works.
I really enjoyed reading this poem, you do a great job creating the feeling that the reader is looking into a cherished memory. The last two stanzas are my favorite, really great imagery.
Now for the critiques/suggestions:
I have a tough time with the first stanza----
"The spring flower
The shy smiles
The bell-like laughter"
The way it's written it almost seems like you're saying the flower is shyly smiling and laughing, when I'm pretty sure you're speaking of the people. Maybe you could put "With" or "From" in front of the spring flower. I also wonder if it would make more sense to to put "flower" and "smiles" both singular or both plural.You just really want to make sure that first line's perfect, another way to get rid of the confusion about a flower smiling and laughing would be to move the first line to after the 'laughter' line. And that's all my suggestions on that.
In the next stanza I think the word 'lay' needs to be past tense to go with 'dreamed' and 'danced', i could be wrong but I think you'd actually use the word 'lied' for that.
In the line "The memories, flashbacks, shared happiness" I'm not sure that 'flashbacks' is the best word you could use, since it's really just a synonym for 'memories', so you should maybe take 'flashbacks' or 'memories' out, or change one of them. That's just my opinion though.
My last observation is that you address all times of day: with "mornings", "afternoons", "moonlight", and "starry night". And you almost address all the seasons with "spring flower(s)"(spring), "October apples", "Orchards"(fall), "fresh green lawn"(summer?). I think it'd be cool if you finnished it out by mentioning something about winter, since then it'd be like they knew each other for a very long time, or a whole year. Maybe in one of your last stanzas you could mention the word 'frost', 'chilled', or 'cold'. Even if it was just describing the locket so that you could round out the seasons.
Thank you for sharing your lovely poem, and welcome to YWS!
~alliyah~
I would also like to add (after reading the below review) that I believe that "All sealed with a snap of locket" can be written the way you wrote it, because poetry doesn't necessarally have to follow every gramatical rule in the book, and you're saying it's sealed with the snap, not sealed with the locket. But either way, lovely poem.
This was very well written. I only found a couple grammer and spelling problems. The first one is (lay on the fresh green lawn), this should actualy be written as (laid on the fresh green lawn). The second one is (All sealed with a snap of locket), this should be written as (All sealed with a snap of a locket). These were the only mistakes that I found.
You love is so sweet. You have a lot of imagery of what people commonly think of when it comes to young romance. My favorite part is the memories and there is not talk about the future. The future is only important to access the memories in the locket. They can think about the orchard, smells, and the flowers. I can see people reading this at a poetry reading at the cafe I like to go to. Most the readings are depressing lately and poems like this lets people be happy again.
Hello, I enjoyed this poem, because it had a good topic and it flowed nice. I like how you spoke from both sides (boy and girl). Also, the wording you chose really brought to life remembering something that is now just a memory. I really found this idea to be a very creative one, and I thought it was well written.
-Hsarver
I don't have really anything bad to say, besides that I would have loved for it to be longer. Although, it doesn't have to be, because it has a full and complete idea already. Keep writing, you did a great job on this poem.