Hey everyone! This poem will be submitted to a contest soon, so please give me some honest feedback and constructive criticisms! I am having immense trouble with the last two lines, so I would love suggestions and ideas for a couplet that can conclude this sonnet!
Also, my English teacher noted that I should use Icarus as an allusion since he fell out due to failed aspirations and dreams instead of depression... If you have any ideas on how to improve that, I'd love to listen. Thanks!
Trapped in an everlasting silent scream
Against the tumultuous orange sky
Gasping from trepidations in a dream
Tongue gnawing agonized within a cry
“Breathing, feeling, suffering, and loving”1
With nowhere to go, and nowhere to hide
Bound by this endless labyrinth, fading
Disconsolateness and pain comes in tides
Lone soul demented by the darkness’ claws
With rasping breaths, Insanity will call
Swirling, howling, this storm of terror caws
Too fast to stop, like Icarus2 would fall
Phantoms of imperial afflictions3
Haunt as faded shades of perturbations
1.After Edvard Munch’s father’s death, Edvard’s works (including The Scream)became more symbolic than realistic. As he had written, “No longer should interiors be painted, people reading and women knitting: there would be living people, breathing and feeling, suffering and loving.”
2.In Greek mythology, Icarus falls after flying too high in the sky—his wings of wax melted under the heat of the Sun.
3.In Emily Dickinson’s poem There’s a Certain Slant of Light, ‘an imperial affliction’ refers to the sorrow experienced by a selected, almost marked, group of people; furthermore, as mentioned in The Fault in Our Stars, it is also a fictional book written by a character called Peter van Houten to commemorate his dead daughter before sinking into a state of depression.
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Hey there! I see that you already have some reviews, but I read through them and will try my best to add some more to what they said. (Plus I may have disagreed with some of the other reviews.)
I'll start by saying that I really liked this. I love the atmosphere that it presents. I don't think that's the word I'm looking for. Basically, I just really like your style. And props for writing a sonnet. Maybe it's just me, but I have the hardest time writing sonnets.
Okay, so your first line is fantastic. You drew me in immediately with that line.
The fourth line is "Tongue gnawing agonized within a cry," but my initial thought is that this would sound better if you switched the first two words. "Gnawing tongue agonized within a cry." I don't know if that would change the meaning of the line, but in my mind at least it seemed to fit together a little bit better.
I agree with PinkPanther with the comment on "Disconsolateness" it's a bit of an awkward word (if it is a word at all) and it's hard to say because of how unfamiliar it is, which interrupts the flow because the reader has to stumble over that word.
I know those are just specific things to change, I usually try to come up with more things to critique on and things that you can take into consideration in future pieces, but the truth is I just really liked this and don't have much negative to say.
You mentioned that you wanted help with the last two lines, but I really liked the way you had them. (Okay, I admit, the Fault in Our Stars reference may have played a part in that.) Which reminds me that I did really like all the allusions. So yeah, great job and I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
Hey! Here with the review I promised. I hope you can repay the favor and review something of mine!
So, first of all, no commas in the first stanza? I'd put ones after "everlasting," "storm," "tumultuous," "sky," and "dream." It would really smooth out the way I perceive it as a reader.
gnawing? it means "chewing," which a tongue can't do. But more importantly, it strikes me as a silly word and therefore not well placed in a dark poem.
disconsolateness? that just throws me off, it's awkwardNESS.
"With nowhere to go, and nowhere to hide" a weak line in contract to the one that precedes it.
"Too fast to stop, like Icarus2 would fall" also, weak.
And I would change the last line.
Overall, very, very good job. Great job. Nice use of language and intriguing. Good luck in the contest!
Hey! Bellator here for a review. I really loved this! I liked how you mixed sophisticated language with a dark theme. It's hard to rhyme, so I really appreciate how well it flowed. The only complaint I have is that there are little breaks in the flow. You miss or add a syllable here and there. I don't know if this is on purpose, but I feel like it could be better if you re-worded just a tiny bit. All in all a really great work! Keep writing!
Um.. Hi
This is VERY VERY well written...
I do have a tip though... most of us on here... mainly me don't understand half of these words.
Or maybe it's just me.
I get the jest of the poem but honestly wont fully appreciate the poem without understanding it.
I am sorry for acting dumb but if it you put a 'dumb it up' version for people like me I could better review and help you critique it.
I love the references you use though and it has a good rhythm I just don't understand the language
I am sorry for being obvious and I don't think I even deserve to criticize or critique you since I can't even understand what I'm critiquing
Also, out of curiosity do you like Greek mythology? I assume this because not only do you use Icarus but also when you say bound by this endless labyrinth that could be interpreted as the story of Ariadne and the golden thread...
If you wanted to further go into detail about Greek myths use the term lost in a labyrinth with no golden thread to help me escape or something of the sort..
Here's a link to the story
http://grupoyllera.com/the-thread-of-ariadne/
It's just a suggestion seeing as you use Greek mythology as a source so it'd be cool if you went into more depths.
But as I said before I have no right to critique
I really do like your story though.. it's sophisticated and worded brilliantly.