Dancing on the waters
Far out beneath the sea
My moonlight mermaid darling
Is calling out to me
But if I were to take her
Above the silver shores
Her gills might faint with longing
And if the rains would pour
I'd take her to my lodging
Craft her a sea of glass
A home inside my home where she
No longer has to gasp
But take a deep sea fish out of
Her dark and chilling home
You'll find her soul will wither
And she will die alone
The moment you don't see her
She takes one mourning breath
She loved you with her whole heart
But to love you meant her death
A/N: The first line links you to a rushed unpolished version of me singing/playing the song, but if you want an idea of what it might sound like, feel free to click and go listen!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Very sweet, however has a dark undertone. I especially love the ending, I feel like that was a beautiful way to end it. The flow is nice, and the words you use are so beautiful, along with the rhythm. The words go along perfectly with each other. If anything the only thing you might want to add is punctuations, however there's nothing you should change, this is absolutely beautiful. Wonderful job.
Thank you Caitlynn!
Hi..
here for review .
It was sweet and at same time it tells the audience that how people go harsh to their loved once and take advantage of their kindness. I liked the message you want to convey from it
At the begining i was lost in the ocean. Good writing !!
I wish you also write the beauty of mermaid and write something from mermaid side.Like what she is feeling being selfless. Then i would feel more connected to your poem.
And the title you have given i feel like it describe about how mermaid risk her life. Which is right ,i guess ? This is what i get from title.
And the way you describe the ocean ,It was wonderful .
Great work .
Thanks for your review! Glad you liked it.
I LOVE THIS AND I LOVE YOU
!!!!!!! ajsjsjddjfkgk THANK YOU SO MUCH OMG!! ILY TOO!!
Hey soundofmind!
I really really love this! Like with my whole heart- this is amazing!
I listened to the song that you linked to- that better not be you singing because it sounded professional!
A few minor critiques- (and by minor I mean literally the smallest things ever)
I would suggest maybe adding punctuation, just to the copy that you submitted here, if you want to. I think from a reading standpoint, it would just flow better.
Secondly (and lastly), I thought I'd suggest an idea that I had while listening to the song because it seems like you're in the early stages of developing it (if you hate it feel free to disregard). I think it would be cool if, in the song, when the lyrics talk about meeting and bringing the mermaid to "safety" in your home, the strum could be a bit more upbeat because you're fantasizing about the life that you would have together. As you get to the part where it talks about how you shouldn't remove a fish from its dwelling, it might be cool if the song and strum became a bit more somber.
Again, feel free to disregard everything I said.
"She loved you with her whole heart
But to love you meant her death"
I got literal chills there!
Thanks much! And yeah, lol, that's actually me singing. I like your suggestions! I'll take them into consideration as I further develop the song musically!
Your songs are always so beautiful.
Thank you!
Hi Shikora here.
Wow this song was so lovely. I could feel all the emotion in this song it was just wonderful. I also listened to the song you sung and you have a lovely voice. It was just magic. I think you would make a lovely singer.
I really like how the versus just fit together so nicely. All the words in this song mean so much in there own way. I think you have a real talent for writing songs so keep doing what your doing.
Your Friend
Shikora.
Thanks, Shikora! I was wondering - what did you think the song meant/what did you take away from it? Were there any parts that stood out to you that you particularly liked?
I really like this part.
Far out beneath the sea
My moonlight mermaid darling
Is calling out to me
I think your song was talking about a mermaid being taken out of the sea, and she really wants to go back to it.
!! Yeah that's pretty much the premise!!
Thanks again! <3
I'm glad i could help!
This is great!
Prog feel too.
Have you heard Haken's Aquarius album?
https://theprogmind.com/2015/07/09/albu ... arius/amp/
Reminds me of that.
Thanks dude! And ah, I haven't heard of it but I took a look. Looks cool, lol. The cover image definitely could go with this song to some degree.
Yes! Good concept albums are rare, and Aquarius is one of Haken's best. Do give it a listen if you can!
wow. i loved it.
the tone changed last minute and gave me chills. you want to love but love requires sacrifice and their love required the death of who she was. the one thing that does not sit right with me is lines 8 and 9. it seemed that you ran out of space and had to force it in there. besides that i really loved this song and would like to see you perform. i like your voice
Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked the song.