a loss

by soundofmind

Published January 21, 2018

In 2018

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Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Apricity
Review
Apricity wrote a review Review · Jan 22, 2018

Hey sound, Wisteria here for a review.

To be honest, I really quite like this poem so I'm not sure how helpful this review will be but we'll give it a shot. Poems about loss are common, and it's no stranger that it's a popular genre because loss is just one of those prevalent forces in people's lives. I like the first two lines, it's a strong opening and one that goes straight to the heart of your poem.

Loss. Scars, and the difficulties of forgetting what once harmed you. There is a kind of simplicity in the rest of the first stanza that resonates well with the tone of the poem. No fluff, and succinct. The only qualms I have is that,

as if forgotten-never last-
between never last and 'as if forgotten' doesn't really make coherent sense.

What never lasts, the lies being buried or the lies being forgotten? And the same applies to the next line, I think it could benefit a comma just to clear up the meaning whilst the readers are reading. But. If that is an intentional ellipsis of commas, to perhaps poetically reenact the motion of grass overgrowing everything I don't think the rhythm quite works out. And you'd need to more repetition in there too.

Other than that, I really don't have much critique here. Especially because this poem seems to have a personal undertone to it, the second and third stanza is a crisp continuation of the story. With a nice spin in the last stanza of hope and optimism, what you might call 'kintsugi' the art of finding beauty in imperfections and broken things appear to be what the poem is saying.

Overall, I think this poem is a solid work. I look forward to seeing more writing from you! (Also I am really sorry about posting this in the wrong place. I was gonna review both of them) <_<

-Wis

<3 Haha, thank you so much, Wisteria! I'll have to work on that confusing line aaa

User avatar
camusic
Review
camusic wrote a review Review · Jan 21, 2018

Deep, I love compairison of a limp it gives a good visual for the poem. I also love how it’s with every step, something that you’ll never forget. The part where the cane how it’s a compensation. Good use of shards and growing into a whole really enjoyed that part. The part with grass growing over graves, just showing that even when things grow it may not be from the best of places.

Thanks for the review! Interesting to hear your thoughts.

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Radrook
Review
Radrook wrote a review Review · Jan 21, 2018

Thanks for sharing this poem about the inevitable scars that experiences can leave in the form of very painful memories and broken relationships. If there were only a pill that we could swallow to erase such memories! Unfortunately, we must instead suppress them and learn our lesson. Yet some are so damaging that they are as you describe, permanent wounds which have an effect on us as long as we live. Such is the case with abused children who must carry the scars of their abusive upbringing. Such is also the case with people who have gone to war and suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome. Such ones are perpetually haunted by memories which cause the severe distress and the healing remains always incomplete.

Your poem brings this fact out very well by comparing such memories to to graves which hold the remnants of a past but which cannot be forgotten. We can learn from such experiences by shaping them into canes that will help us walk better. You describe our hopes that things that have been irretrievably broken can grow back. But in our heart of hearts we know that some things can never be restored to their former pristine form. Once innocence is lost it cannot be retrieved. It can be patched up. The poem about Humpty Dumpty comes to mind. All kings horses and all the kings men, could not put him together again. That's why its important to handle certain relationships with kid gloves lest we bludgeon things that are precious until they are forever gone.

Thank you very much for your review Radrook! It's great to hear your interpretation and your thoughts on what it means.

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Radrook
Comment
Radrook commented Comment · Jan 21, 2018

That orange and the large letters makes the poem hard to read.
A real shame since you obviously have talent.

how about this?

also, I didn't realize it made it that hard to read! thanks for letting me know. I didn't mean for it to be a big eyestrain

Thanks. Looks better now. Especially the part that is not bolded.



Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
— Thomas Neill