**Okay, so, I have no idea if this makes sense to anyone but me so please please please stab, rip, shred, and bash away at it**
Thanks guys!
I lie awake in moonlight; swear I see your face.
Hoping for the future, just call me a disgrace.
I have him finally; he’s mine for always, truly,
but I can’t take my mind off of you.
I awake to greet the day, realizing all of my nights dreams
revolved around everything having to do with you.
Like a snow globe trapped with only one view.
I wanted to see his half crooked smile,
but for more than a little while, I was in your eyes,
swimming in those sapphire blue skies,
I was only thinking of you.
Most of the time I never hoped for you,
just a second chance to prove that I could do more
than just break your heart, but there was always a part of me
a little unsure of your certainty and my dignity.
So I allowed my heart to want him, and steal him away
from anyone else who I believed would keep him from me.
In the process, I lost my humanity.
I opened a bottle of wine, started shedding time.
I got to thinking of you, rather than talk to him,
I decided to pick up my phone and call you instead.
You told me you love me, but won’t say it again,
since were only friends and you believe I truly don’t remember a thing.
So where do I go from here, caught in a spiral trance.
I’m only holding on for the chance of possible romance.
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I think you have deftly captured how easily it is that people fall for someone else... A minor annoyance at times, a devastating unwanted truth others. Very good word selection, the idea is really good... Well done.
Hi snowberry23,
Alright to start off with, the poem seemed a little confusing you seem to alternate between wanting 'you' and 'him'. It did start to get clearer towards the end though. I'm going to guess the story here was the narrator broke up with 'you' and found 'him' but reliases that he narrator still wanted 'you'? I'm not sure if that's right, that's the story I got from it anyway.
Moving on, I love the little rhymes you put in there. It makes the poem seemed so much more flowing. You have a really cool metaphor with the snowglobe trapped with only one view thing.
So yes, your poem has flow, structure and little rhymes. But the story line is a tiny bit confusing. Clear that up a bit?
I really liked this, and there are just a few things in here to correct.
It was really awesome.
Hi! First of all, I liked this. I thought it was very sweet.
This doesn't really make sense to me, maybe revolving around you, but I don't know.Like this line, you don't have to capitilize the first word of every line, since at the end of most of them you have a comma, capatilization isn't nessasary on the following line.
At times I thought it could have had a better flow to it, but overall I enjoyed reading this!
~Teardrop