Hey shan!!! guess who's back for more <3
She pushed opened the swinging metal doors
(open*) Were the doors already swinging when she pushed them open? If not I might,, change it to just "the metal doors".
Mr. Hamstring looked up, ready to say 'could you give us a moment?' before realizing, just from the residing scowl on Patsy's face, that wouldn't be the right answer.
YEAH don't mess with patsy she'll stab you.
she then pressed her two hands onto the desk and harshly asked,
So? instead of trying to tie in an verb like this to a dialogue tag, I would just used a different dialogue tag? Like, she hissed, or she demanded, because it's more impactful then using a weaker verb like this.
"Why the hell is Fredrick Damon dead?"
well, that's a thing that happens when you're in a car when it explodes, Patsy
I like the little details of Hamstring/The Club having red velvet chairs? it goes to speak lengths about what kind of money this operation rolls in or what kind of money Mr. Hamstring has, from who knows what business, but it's a perfect little way to slide that in.
Patsy suddenly snapped forward, fuming.
I'm not? entirely sure whether she's like, jerking forward or if she's snapping at him? If it's the former, I would change the comma after Hamstring to a period to clarify (or just, remove forward if it's the latter? dunno how you'd want to do that haha)
why he was fried like chicken."
first a friend in the hospital cause of bad chickens and now this comparison. Fredrick is having a Bad Time with chicken.
Or, an act of protest against the police being lazy in solving the Marcos case."
well that would be awfully counterproductive and yet so accurate lol
Patsy then runs a hand through her blonde hair.
I might just have a terrible memory (highly plausible), but I don't think I remember Patsy's appearance being mentioned? I don't know if Ronnie ever was either? She probably was and I missed it, but if it wasn't, I might try to sneak it in earlier? Character descriptions are worst though I understand that well enough lol
I do like that there's a balance of Patsy feeling the guilt of killing Benjamin and the fear of going to jail. It gives her more depth as a character and I think I? would like to see more of that? Stuff like that gives more room to point to characters and either relate to them or connect with them on a more emotional/personal level. So! just to keep in mind but I like that we get to see that vulnerability here.
Also addition after reading a little further I'm also happy to see her reacting to everything with Chloe? I mean, her frustration is understandable and it's good to see her reacting to it. idk I think Patsy's character is really started to come together and it Pleases Me.
You need to get a better life perspective than just killing people, Hamstring."
TELL HIM
coming face to face with her best friend, Chloe Robertson.
some best friend she is ):<
waIT Hamstring was talking to Chloe on the phone??? o: the plot keeps getting thicker and thicker this is like a fINE STEW. i love it.
I would like to? know more about the club I think and how it's going to play a role/what's about in the greater picture? Because it's all kind of vague so far, ALTHOUGH I suspect that you might be getting to a little more of that in the next chapter if my instincts are telling me anything here. I can't wait to see how Chloe's going to try to persuade Patsy back to the club, why they want Patsy in the club in the first place, and what sort of complications are going to arise because of it.
Okay I! think that's all I have for today! I'm loving it, as always So keep up the good work!! I can't wait to see what happens next!
I hope you have a lovely time!! <33
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