z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 7.2

by shaniac


June 3, 2018

The front door opened and everything leading up to getting out of the attic rushed out of Ronnie's head. It would be just minutes before her grandma came down the hallway and see a leg hanging limply out of the ceiling. Ronnie decided to count down these moments by getting her one leg out of the hole. Her other leg was being stretched off to the right and this position created a wave of discomfort to wash over Ronnie. She decided to sit up and place her leg in front of her, to relieve the tension.

The heat of the attic was another problem. Not only was it creating sweat to form all over Ronnie but it attracted several sweat bees to circle around her. She would swat them but the bees would come back, wanting more. Along with the heat, there was a pain in Ronnie's chest and she reasoned it was her mind doing the natural trick of assuming something bad was happening.

She held her breath every time the house creaked. Her grandma was probably in the kitchen by now, putting away the groceries. Jayson could be in his room still, reading a book and unaware his grandma was home. The minutes started to feel like hours as the evening sunlight started to change into a harsh orange that covered the entire sky.

"Ronnie, Jayson! Come here, please!" Patsy yelled.

"Com-" Ronnie cut off herself realizing if she cried out, her grandma would come down the hallway and start scolding her and at this moment, Ronnie didn't want that.

"Coming," Jayson called out from his bedroom. Ronnie heard his soft footsteps walking out of the room and to the kitchen. She held her breath, waiting for her grandma to call out again to Ronnie.

The circling sweat bees continued to land on Ronnie as she attempted to pull herself out the hole. In a fleeting moment of getting her leg unstuck, the attic floor creaked loudly. It triggered the part of her brain that held the flight or fight responses and knowing where this might go, Ronnie decided to go for the flight response. She jiggled her leg once more, causing the floorboards around her to groan louder in volume. There was an adrenaline rush that surged throughout her body as she finally got her leg unstuck, tumbling onto her back.

Ronnie gleefully smiled, holding her leg up. She sat up and decided to go back to what her main goal was -- calling Natalie and telling her about the information she found in the attic. She then stood up abruptly, shaking for a bit and tried to regain her balance. Her feet were doing the tango and Ronnie couldn't control it. The spot where Ronnie was stumbling upon creaked like a rusty door hinge.

"Did you hear that?" Ronnie heard Patsy ask from the kitchen. She bit her lip, after regaining her balance. The floorboards stopped crying for a moment, settling a wave of silence in the attic. Ronnie let out a sigh of relief, placing her hands at her sides. She then started to walk towards the latch when, in just moments, the attic floor gave way and Ronnie fell through completely.

The crash resounded everywhere in the house. Dust rose up like a snake and the tattered wood planks crumbled around Ronnie. She laid on the floor for a few moments alongside the skewed floorboards as the entire attic ceiling continued to fall apart until a gaping hole was above Ronnie. She stared up in a daze, seeing the dust settle before leaning forward and passing out.

----

Ronnie woke up in her bed moments later.

There was a little bit of orange light still left in the dark evening sky and it shimmered through Ronnie's bedroom windows. She sits up in her bed, rubbing her forehead as a headache starts forming. There was also a pain in her back that started to spread, traveling from her back to her lower part of her body. She grimaced, trying to recount where the pain might've come from. Ronnie guessed she might've just slept walked again and did something dangerous while doing so. She didn't want to dwell much on the chance of sleepwalking and got out of bed.

Her legs gave out the moment she stepped out of bed. Ronnie fell hard to the ground, groaning. She then pushed herself up and onto her bottom. Her legs were covered in small bruises and tan bandaids. Ronnie touched one of the bandaids, considering the possible danger that caused this. She stood up again, this time using the bed as a crutch. Pain rocketed throughout her body and Ronnie cried out, gripping the sheets.

Her bedroom door swung open and her grandma stood there. "Ronnie, what're you doing up? You are hurt, lay down."

Ronnie reluctantly got back into the bed, easing her body into the sheets while the pain continued to intensify. She then let out a large groan as Patsy walked over, a deep line settled across her face. She then crossed her arms and asked, "do you have any idea how you ended up getting hurt?"

Ronnie squinted at her. "Did I sleepwalk again?"

Patsy shook her head, keeping eye contact with Ronnie. "You fell through the attic floor."

It took a moment to realize what her grandma had just said and asked, "I fell through the attic floor?"

"You don't remember? When I found you, you were faced on the floor with a pile of the floorboards behind you. What were you doing up there?" Patsy asked, uncrossing her arms.

Ronnie opened her mouth but Patsy snapped, "I told you not to go up there. You never listen. You could've died, you know. What would I tell your parents? 'Oh hey, yeah Ronnie got impaled by a giant wood stake. How was your vacation?' I told you to not go up there, so why did you decide to break that promise?"

Ronnie lay there dumbfounded, gripping the bed sheets again. She didn't have an answer for any of the questions her grandma was needing and instead, she just laid there. Ronnie kind of wished the answer would come quicker instead of her brain short-circuiting. Patsy stood there, waiting for an answer with eyes boring into Ronnie's skull.

"I was just up there because I thought my favorite book series was in one of the boxes," Ronnie lied, crossing her fingers under the blankets that laid across her chest.

Patsy sighed and shook her head. She then stepped away from the bed and when she reached the bedroom door, she looked back. "I don't know how we're going to fix that hole. If you had just listened to me, this whole thing could've been avoided," Patsy bitterly said. She then opened the door and shut it on her way out. There was a remorseful feeling that snaked around the entire room and landed heavily on Ronnie's chest. She now lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling.

Ronnie decided once she healed, she'd call Natalie and tell her the things she had found in the attic. For now, the reason why there were newspapers in the attic would remain unsolved until Ronnie got out of bed. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1085 Reviews


Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

Donate
Mon Sep 10, 2018 4:32 am
View Likes
Mea wrote a review...



Hey shaniac! Not sure how I never got around to reviewing this, but I'm here now!

This is a short chapter part, but I think it works at the length that it is. I enjoyed the inevitable disaster of going up into the attic, though I do think Ronnie should really suffer more of a consequence for going up there and doing that, something that can actually seriously set her back in her investigations - maybe Patsy decided to ground her for a few days or something for disobeying, or maybe Ronnie hurt her ankle or bruised her rib (though that might be a longer time commitment than you want.)

It triggered the part of her brain that held the flight or fight responses and knowing where this might go, Ronnie decided to go for the flight response. She jiggled her leg once more, causing the floorboards around her to groan louder in volume

The thing about a sentence like this is that the tone of the sentence doesn't fit with the emotion your describing. A fight or flight response is very primal, it's not really something that you can consciously say "oh, I'm going for the flight response" and so the way this is worded makes the situation feel the opposite of urgent and intense. Instead, show her thoughts more or just her actions and use vivid verbs that convey quick, hurried movements to show her urgency. Also, be careful of over-explaining or adding unnecessary modifiers to words - you don't need to specify that the floorboards are louder "in volume" - how else could they be louder?

"Ronnie, Jayson! Come here, please!" Patsy yelled.

Does Ronnie really call her Patsy and not Grandma? If yes, then ignore me, and if not I feel like the narrative should say Grandma because we're in Ronnie's head and it'll help distinguish current Patsy from past Patsy.

She then started to walk towards the latch when, in just moments, the attic floor gave way and Ronnie fell through completely.

Okay, this was really funny. The comedic timing was just great. It made me see the whole rest of the scene in that comedic light, because of course it happens right after she thinks she's made it. It reminded me of in cartoons how the misfortune always happens *after* the person is convinced they got out of that mess.

After Ronnie woke up, it seemed at first she didn't quite remember what had happened to her, but then when Patsy starts questioning her, she does remember. The moment where she remembers what happened is never actually clear, so that would be good to clarify.

I think that's about all I've got for you, as this is a shorter section! I'm curious to see what Ronnie will do with what she found out in the attic, other than just telling Natalie. I'll go and review chapter 8 tomorrow. :)




User avatar
760 Reviews


Points: 31396
Reviews: 760

Donate
Fri Sep 07, 2018 8:14 pm
View Likes
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey Shan, just rounding off my reviews of LMS week 9 :)

Nit-picks:

"do you have any idea how you ended up getting hurt?"

"ended up" is slightly clunky language here.

Overall:

Just so you know, something about the wording of the end of the last chapter make me think she'd fallen through the ceiling. In a similar veing of thought, I thought it was a new character at the door at the end of the last chapter. Like, I thought their introduction was the cliffhanger. It's tense it being Patsy anyway, but that mysterious cliffhanger just led me in that direction. Might be worth just having Ronnie think that that must be Patsy home.

So, at first I thought the whole attic-hole thing felt unresolved. The hole in the ceiling was not mentioned by Patsy, who also did not investigate the noise. I then realised later that Ronnie had essentially lost consciousness straight after the last bit we read before the timeskip, but this was not clear at first. It could easily just have been a flashforward to the next time something important happens. I think it would have been better if it had been something along the lines of "the next thing Ronnie knew she was in her bed", something to make it obvious that she passed out.

I really like the way Patsy is so angry about Ronnie being up there. It feels obvious to me that it's because of what she's hiding, and I love having that information while Ronnie doesn't. One of the most tedious things crime writing can do is hinge the entire jeopardy on the revelation of knowledge, so the knowledge already being there eliminates that crutch and makes you have to have an interesting main character. Good job!

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




User avatar
351 Reviews


Points: 14090
Reviews: 351

Donate
Tue Sep 04, 2018 11:16 pm
View Likes
mellifera wrote a review...



Heya!! <3


It would be just minutes before her grandma came down the hallway and see a leg hanging limply out of the ceiling.


this would be the Best (also wouldn't it be when Patsy came upstairs? also that would be "saw a leg")

She held her breath, waiting for her grandma to call out again to Ronnie.


The "Ronnie" at the end feels a little jarring in the sentence. You can use "she" here, since there wouldn't be confusion between anybody else (the mention of Patsy wouldn't conflict with this the way the sentence is set up).

Her feet were doing the tango and Ronnie couldn't control it.


Okay so after reading through this, I think? I understand what you meant? Ronnie got unbalanced and she's doing that lil hoppy thing that you do when you're trying to right yourself? But I wanted to clarify that. Ah, this line was just, a bit confusing.

Ronnie woke up in her bed moments later.


From the context? It doesn't seem like this was moments later? Especially taking into consideration how long it took to move Ronnie to her bed, but that's beside the point. Either way, since your style is a little more of a narrative kind (I want to say it has hints of omnipresence but that's not the right word for it), this doesn't make a whole lot of sense? If it was more character focused, then you could play it off as Ronnie thinking she had woken up only moments later, but this is sort of...jarring? (unless it really wasn't that long of a gap in which case please ignore me lol)


I've noticed from tense switching again so I thought I might just mention that again (but, as always, it's not a big deal right now).


sleepwalking weren't we talking about this the other day


Another little side note but how did Ronnie get back into bed? Did she pull herself up? I feel like this might give a better sense of how injured her legs are.


So it sounds like Ronnie has a concussion? From her forgetting the fall. And uh, I don't know if Patsy would know how to deal with this or if she just doesn't think about that? But maybe that might be something you want to look into further? It could also be interesting to see how that would play into her detecting.


This is also a really insignificant detail, but I noticed it so I might as well bring it up: is Ronnie wearing any sort of shorts or pants or anything? I don't know why I assumed she was wearing pants but it was almost sudden to realise she could just...see her legs like that? But of course I could just be presumptuous.


I actually love Patsy a lot just from her dialogue in this chapter and her interactions with Ronnie <3


I told you to not go up there, so why did you decide to break that promise?"


Did Ronnie promise not to though??


Also I know Patsy's getting really worked up because she's worried (oR at least, that's what I took from it? which would be,, really sweet to be honest and I would love to see some more development between these two? There's hasn't been much to gauge of their relationship and this is a nice way of showing it) but if she knows Ronnie doesn't remember the fall, why is she asking why Ronnie chose to go up there? I mean, how does she know that Ronnie remembers before she asks?


For now, the reason why there were newspapers in the attic would remain unsolved until Ronnie got out of bed.


;)


While the pacing is slowed, between this and the last chapter (which! is! fine!), I have to say that I really enjoy the dose of domesticity here. I don't know how much that will be included as things start speeding up, and I'm guessing there won't be much if any in the past segments, so it's nice to see some with Ronnie. There hasn't been too much to solidify some of the relationships and I'm happy to see some of it between Ronnie and Patsy (which is...probably odd considering the situation. I don't know, I guess I just like how gentle? Patsy is when she first walks in, even if she's not about to let Ronnie off the hook).


Anyway that is all I've got for you today! I'm looking forward to what's to come!! You know I'll be sticking around for you ;)

I hope you're having a lovely day <33




User avatar
1162 Reviews


Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162

Donate
Tue Sep 04, 2018 2:38 am
View Likes
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again!!

Okay I love that she fell through the ceiling. That cracked me up.

My only real qualm with this segment was the pacing. Obviously this is a first draft and you're figuring it out as you go, so the pacing is not going to be anywhere near perfect and that's okay! :)

In the beginning when she's stuck, she realizes she's about to have a huge problem on her hands and she's trying to free herself, that should be fast-paced moment of sh*t what am i going to do????? and instead it felt slow and analytical to me. I love thought processes and seeing how someone makes a decision, but in a high stakes moment like this I want it to move along.

Fight or flight gets mentioned later but she's already in fight or flight as soon as her foot goes through the floor. There is no thinking or processing now, there is only doing or freezing. Short sentences, short paragraphs, keep it moving. No processing, just showing what she's doing to get out while we still hear everything going on downstairs.

I really liked though that once she thinks she's free and she's trying to get to the stairs is when she falls through. Gold.

The second portion of the scene was odd for me. I think it's reasonable that she wouldn't remember her fall, but grandma let's it go so easily. She immediately buys the lame excuse which feels weird. I felt like that should have been a much longer conversation. This is the part where I think it could be slowed down and we could see some of that thought process and inner monologue. I want to see grandma's suspicion and Ronnie's anxiety throughout that conversation.

So speed up the first part, slow down the second part! I don't feel like we've progressed a ton in this segment and I think that conversation with grandma could be a good way to move things forward in some fashion.

Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D Looking forward to the next segment!!





Gravity was a mistake.
— Till Nowak