z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 7.1

by shaniac


June 3, 2018

Ronnie decided to spend her afternoon in the attic, peeling back brown boxes to reveal different dusty relics while her brother Jayson decided to stay downstairs and read some books. Their grandma Patsy was out that afternoon, visiting an old friend that came from a town over. She had warned Ronnie of how old the flooring was in the attic but Ronnie was very persistent in wanting to peek around the boxes.

She waited for her grandma to leave and when Patsy did, Ronnie hightailed it to the rickety wooden ladder. It was attached to the pull-down door that was on the ceiling and a tiny string connected to it. Ronnie pulled down on the string and wave of dust rolled out of door's mouth. She stood back, waving a hand before staring up at the gaping hole. A wave of wonder washed over her body as Ronnie gripped onto the sides of the ladder, which quivered and groaned upon pressure. Ronnie started climbing up the thin legs of the ladder, silently hoping she wouldn't fall back and land in such a way that her arms would break.

As she neared the opening, Ronnie took a huge intake of old newspapers and mothballs. The heat was intense up here, different from the crisp coolness that dwells down below in the different rooms. Peering through the small opening, Ronnie could see an assortment of boxes, decaying picture frames, and the stolen flamingo that she stole from Mrs. Magpie. Oh, so that's where it went, she thought to herself as she climbed onto the landing. The wooden floor creaked as Ronnie found her balance.

Along the left side of the attic, there were different sized brown boxes stacked haphazardly. She went over to one of the boxes and started to open the fading lids. Inside of the box were old newspaper clippings, some antique items that Ronnie figured were oddly shaped memorabilia that her grandfather owned, and some books. She moved the box onto the floor and started to unpack the box below it. Halfway through the process, Ronnie realized that most of the stuff inside the boxes were old newspaper clippings. She then created a small pile of important newspaper clipping to the right of her and continued searching.

The afternoon continued to drift on and the attic started to heat up. Ronnie wiped the sweat that started to form on her forehead and took a moment to look at her surroundings. She had spent the past hour or so digging, but Ronnie couldn't place a finger on what. She continued to dig through the boxes, opening the lids and peeking inside the closures. Toys, more newspapers, and old pictures of long lost family members were among the items she found. The floor kept whining under Ronnie's feet as she continued to move from box to box.

The newspaper pile at her feet continued to grow. Ronnie decided after one more box, she'd go through them and probably find something of interest. She grabbed as much items out of the last box and placed them at her feet. She then closed up the box and stepped back, sitting down crosslegged. A wall of newspaper surrounded Ronnie, folded elegantly and covered in brown colored stains.

Ronnie picked up the first newspaper. There were several reports relating to an increase in cats being stolen from homes and shoes gone missing during the night. Different ads were scattered through -- one was selling brunt rubber perfume and another was that was prompting a free hat with a purchase of twenty or more flamingos. She continued to look through the newspaper until something interesting caught her attention. There was small paragraph at the bottom of one of the pages that was detailing the accounts of the Benjamin Marcos case.

It was a recurring theme in many of the papers that Ronnie happened to stumble upon after each other. In some cases, the paragraph was highlighted or unlined in black pen. As Ronnie was reading, she came across a part of a newspaper that was neatly cut out. The recurring mystery of underlined paragraphs and misplaced tears continued to pile up as the newspaper wall started to crumble.

Now in front of Ronnie was a medium stacked amount of newspapers that contained at least a mention of the Benjamin Marcos case. It rattled Ronnie's mind as to how her grandma cared enough about a stranger's death but she figured it might've just been an important figure of Shanesburg. She realized, after reading several more newspaper clippings, that perhaps Benjamin was not only an important person to Shanesburg, but a close friend of her grandma.

After a while of searching, Ronnie came across an old picture that was tucked between the newspaper clippings. It was a group of different people dressed in casual black and white suits and as she glanced from person to person, something caught her attention. Near the front, there sat two girls who were smiling brightly at the camera, but since the picture's quality was lacking, Ronnie couldn't tell what they looked like. She flipped the picture over and noticed faint words penned.

The words read, "S.H.B.C. Picture ~ 1968" and something inside of Ronnie snapped. Where have I heard of the S.H.B.C. from? she asked herself, looking at the front side again. She placed the picture next to her and continued searching through the newspaper pile.

The afternoon was slowly turning into a fading sunset. Ronnie was looking through the last pile of newspapers and stopped at a squarish cut piece of paper. It was another report of the Benjamin Marcos case, but this time it was focusing more on the family members that were affected. As she read the small clipping, a realization swept over Ronnie. Among the several paragraphs, it became clear that Ronnie's best friend, Natalie Marcos was related to Benjamin Marcos in some way.

Her entire body worked on impluse and scrambled up to head downstairs to call Natalie to tell her the news. At one point, she was racing to the latch that the floor gave out and her leg slipped through. Ronnie then tripped and landed hard on her stomach, causing the wind to leave her lungs. Her entire plan of calling Natalie was put on the backburner as all her focus was on figuring out how to tell her grandma that there was now a hole in the attic.

Just then, Ronnie heard the front door open.


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Wed Sep 05, 2018 3:44 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey Shan, I'm finally here on the last of my week 8 LMS reviews!

Nit-picks and nice moments:

silently hoping she wouldn't fall back and land in such a way that her arms would break.

This might as well be "fall back and break her arms", and it would flow smoother.

and the stolen flamingo that she stole from Mrs. Magpie

Repetition slightly clunky.

She grabbed as muchmany items as she could out of the last box and placed them at her feet.

The much/many difference is a definite, the "as she could" could be something different, but there needs to be something there.

Ronnie picked up the first newspaper. There were several reports relating to an increase in cats being stolen from homes and shoes gone missing during the night

Lol, that's so random. I had a slight chuckle.

Her entire body worked on impluse and scrambled up to head downstairs to call Natalie to tell her the news.

I'm really not sure this happened long enough ago for the family not to remember, especially since it's such a traumatic event. It probably became part of family history... unless it was covered up, I suppose.

At one point, she was racing to the latch that the floor gave out and her leg slipped through.

I think the "At one point" here sort of undoes the tension of the sentence. You could have maybe "As she was racing/As she raced to the latch the floor gave out..." etc

Overall:

Okay so I only really have one logical question. If Ronnie didn't know that there would be stuff about Benjamin Marcos up there, why would she look? It sounded like she wasn't even sure there would be newspapers up there, and as she points out, it's quite odd to have that much about the case. So what was she hoping for/expecting when she decided to go up there?

I really like Ronnie developing the idea that Patsy might have been friends with Benjamin. It means that the more she realises her gran is involved in the case, instead of this being suspicious, it will make her sad. What you've done here is one of the key things you can do when the reader knows more than the character, which is to have an emotionally charged misunderstanding. It's tragic, really. It's like two characters who're in love trying to meet halfway up a building with one of them taking the elevator and the other the stairs. When you get to see both, you know they're going to miss each other, and it's heartbreaking. Keep doing things like this!

I like the randomness of the ending. There hasn't really been much plot tension in the present day chapters, since nobody is really in danger, so the random insertion of action was quite fun (I hope Ronnie's okay!). Then it's a fairly standard cliffhanger but it does the job. I want to know who's at the door, so I'm hooked to read the next chapter. Or rather, I would be even if I wasn't getting points for reviewing :P

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Sun Sep 02, 2018 9:28 pm
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey shan, I'm back as usual for a review. Others have left some really good points already, so I might keep it a bit short.

This part is light on dialogue and heavy on thoughtfulness, but I think it being a bit slow-moving is just fine, because you're building up the evidence, and basically trying to make it feel like a movie montage of finding that evidence, and it's cool. I like evidence-gathering scenes a lot.

I think you could show more of the newspapers that mention Benjamin Marcos and the details of the way they've been circled and/or underlined. Right now, it feels like you jump straight from "oh, here's one mention of him" to "oh, there's a whole pile of articles about him", and it's abrupt and doesn't emphasize the important nature of these clippings and articles as clues. In the movie montage, we'd get to see, at least for a moment, each of these clippings and the parts that are circled, and it'd tell us a lot and really add to the atmosphere.

Also, you then just tell us her conclusions about how she thinks he might have been a good friend of Patsy's, but by skipping over what the articles say and what Patsy circled/wrote, you don't give us any evidence to support that conclusion, so it feels ill-founded.

I also sort of felt like the realization that Natalie was related to Marcos wasn't that interesting to me as a reader (though it is interesting to Ronnie), because I'm not sure how it would affect much of anything, and to be honest, I had kind of already guessed. It's a small town, two Marcoses are probably related somehow.

One final thing:

Her entire plan of calling Natalie was put on the backburner as all her focus was on figuring out how to tell her grandma that there was now a hole in the attic.

I like the cliffhanger here, but sentences like these make it a lot less emotionally intense. The way you say "all her focus was put" makes it sound like an intentional thing, when really what's going through her head is basically "oh crap how am I going to explain this to grandma". So why not just say that and show her direct thoughts? It'll feel more immediate and we'll feel closer to the character that way.

But yeah, I really like that she's actively trying to gather evidence, and I can definitely just see this scene play out like it's a movie in my head. I think that's all I've got for you today, so good luck and keep writing!




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Sun Sep 02, 2018 2:38 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again!! :D

This wasn't the most dynamic segment, but that may not be a bad thing.

I totally get why good old granny doesn't want Ronnie poking around upstairs (because EVIDENCE is upstairs). I know Ronnie is curious about the case but why does she decide to go look in the attic? I think you could back this chapter up a little bit and show her thought process and they why before she goes up there. Does she tell anyone? What is she hoping to find? Has she ever been up there before? Why does she think she's going to find something helpful/interesting? What will happen if she's caught?

When she's actually searching finding all of these articles and things, I'm sure this is going to be important with her investigation, but I'd like it to feel a little more dynamic. Maybe more of her thoughts and feelings as she's finding things? More of her thought process connecting it to things she already knows or things she's already researched? And we don't want to put all of the dots together yet, so there should still be some big holes, but I'd like more connection to what we already know (through Ronnie).

And then she finds that picture and we start to get some thoughts from her - she thinks she recognizes it - but then we move on. I'd like a bigger exploration of that thought process. Why does she think she's seen it before? She won't know the connection of its significance yet, but since I'd guess it will be significant, make a bigger deal out of it :)

The realization of the connection between Natalie and Benjamin happens really fast and all of a sudden. I think you could also slow that moment waaaaaay down and show how she came to make that realization, why it matters, and what the implications of that are.

This whole scene feels like the part in a movie where the lead is looking for evidence and there's quiet suspenseful music playing and then there's a discovery (the articles!) and the music intensifies and gets softer until the next big discovery (the picture!) and then it all culminates to the biggest discovery of all duh duh duh!!! Natalie and Benjamin are related!

One other side note, how did Ronnie not figure out the connection between Natalie and Benjamin sooner? They have the same last name....

I hope Ronnie doesn't get caught up there or get in too much trouble!! Looking forward to seeing how this plays out next! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




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Fri Aug 31, 2018 7:36 pm
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mellifera wrote a review...



hey shan!! I'm back and ready for some more :D


visiting an old friend that came from a town over.


*squints*

She had warned Ronnie of how old the flooring was in the attic but Ronnie was very persistent in wanting to peek around the boxes.


Patsy doesn't know Ronnie went up into the attic right? Because this makes it sound like they had a discussion about it and Patsy finally allowed Ronnie to go up there because she was "persistent", even though...Patsy doesn't know or approve? right?

(also for future reference! in almost all situations you're going to want to avoid using "very", because it's a filler word? Obviously right now that's not important, but words like "really" and "very" are not necessary in overall storytelling because they don't work as well. Instead of "it's very warm" you would just use "it's hot"? If that makes sense? I'm pretty sure you could find a better source to explain this than me though lol)

She waited for her grandma to leave and when Patsy did,


I think you can just use "she" in place of Patsy since she was the last person you referred to.

She stood back, waving a hand before staring up at the gaping hole.


I don't know why but, I feel like she should cough here? That's super random haha but if I was assaulted by dust I'd be wheezing.

land in such a way that her arms would break.


that's...very specific, Ronnie. what about her legs? or does she just, have another set lying around? market was short on extra pairs of arms? im sorry

The heat was intense up here, different from the crisp coolness that dwells down below in the different rooms.


(I think you could just use "dwelled down below in the rest of the house"?)
But! I really like this description?? I don't know man, attics are the worst they're always 1000 degrees and I like that it's the first thing she notices.

the stolen flamingo that she stole from Mrs. Magpie.


Stole/n is repetitive in this sentence. Also, I'm curious as to why Patsy has it? Do Ronnie's parents (and, yknow, Ronnie and Jayson) live with Patsy? Or did Ronnie steal the flamingo and her parents were like ):< and just, gave it to Patsy because they didn't know what to do with it?
she was miss magpie before did she get married in the span of time since we last saw here


Patsy really really likes newspaper clipping.


She then created a small pile of important newspaper clipping to the right of her and continued searching.


What kinds of newspaper clippings does Ronnie deem important? What does she think are interesting? Mysteries? Town scandals? I mean, I'm guessing it's mysterious, but I think you could have easily expanded on this. It could give us more insight on the types of things that would catch Ronnie's eye (and what Patsy thought to keep), and why she thought it might be important to take out.
(the pt.2 to my newspaper clipping question that I jotted down later in the scene but it fit better here) Alternatively, is Ronnie just grabbing random newspaper clippings? If that's the case, why isn't she just grabbing all of them to sort through?

but Ronnie couldn't place a finger on what.


on what...? On what she's looking for? On what she's already found? This seems out of place and almost like a misplaced foreshadowing? I mean, she's just exploring the attic right now, she doesn't seem to have gone up there for any specific reason, so how could she know she's looking for something specific?

There were several reports relating to an increase in cats being stolen from homes


I guess you could say there's a...cat burglar.

another was that was prompting a free hat with a purchase of twenty of more flamingos.


"was that was" aside tw e nty or, more, flamingos. plastic flamingos? lIVE FLAMINGOS??? I'm so distressed who needs twenty flamingos. are they wedding gifts for mrs. magpie????

The words read, "S.H.B.C. Picture ~ 1968" and something inside of Ronnie snapped.


Snapped is a very ominous word for this? It sounds like she's some sorta deep cover investigator who just lost it. I think clicked might be a better word? haha

Among the several paragraphs, it became clear that Ronnie's best friend, Natalie Marcos was related to Benjamin Marcos in some way.


I don't think you need to tell us who Natalie is to Ronnie since we've already met her. Maybe add in the names of family members (how was Benjamin related to Natalie? Grandfather? Great Uncle? You could tie in the name of one of Natalie's parents in there and have Ronnie recognise it? I don't know, this just seems like it's just getting spoonfed right here and you don't explain how she comes to this conclusion? even those Natalie's last name is literally Marcos)


I don't think I have much to comment on this chapter, since it was a little slower? But that is! something I wanted to mention! And I kinda,, already know what's going on because you told me (and I did, uhhh, help a little bit so you can blame me for this too if you want lol). I think that this is okay for this chapter from Ronnie's perspective? And I'm excited to see her and Natalie talking about this! But I also would like to see her start sleuthing around. She knows now that 1) her grandma was somehow involved with Benjamin Marcos and 2) her best friend is somehow related to Benjamin Marcos. She knows Benjamin was murdered, and that it was a big deal because Shanesburg is kinda, sleepy (yes?), but she doesn't know that much about Benjamin yet? She knows her grandma was involved with something, and about Chloe, so right now, Ronnie has two seemingly different mysteries on her hands. Maybe she goes snooping around somewhere? What about Fredrick's house? He was murdered ("committed suicide"), maybe she could find out about that. What about his house? Is anyone living there now? Maybe somebody isn't, which would kinda be trespassing, but we've already seen Ronnie stealing stuff. You don't have to actually uhh, do any of this I'm just! I think it'd be neat to see Ronnie interacting more with the environment because so far, she hasn't been doing much? She's been finding little bits and pieces, but not much else? (I'd actually kinda, like to see her go to the police station to see if they have anything about it? maybe run in MacAndy?? but I aLSO don't know were you're talking all that so feel free to ignore me lol)

I guess what that gIANT RAMBLE was meant to say is I don't think I would worry about your pacing right now. If you feel more comfortable going slower with Ronnie right now, perfect! good job! that can always be remedied if it doesn't work out later! But also, don't be too afraid of hitting the gas a little either! Regardless, you're doing! a great job and I'm excited to see what's going to happen next!

That's all I've got for you today! You know I'm gonna be sticking around to find out what happens next ;)

I hope you're having a lovely day!! <3





You're given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself. What you say is completely up to you.
— Madeleine L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time