z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 6

by shaniac


July 20, 1987

Sheriff Jacob MacAndy was at the police office reading over papers when he received a call. Without looking up from his work, he reached over to the black dial phone and placed the receiver to his ear. "Hello?"

There was slight static before a feminine voice cut through. "Patsy has been accepted into the club. Have you met with Mr. D?"

MacAndy removed his gaze from the papers and stared distantly at his desk. "I'm afraid not."

There was a silence that followed which weighed deeply in MacAndy's stomach. His heart was twisting into knots and it began to travel up his throat. He picked at the desktop while the silence continued to grow in agonizing waves.

The voice broke the silence and said, "You were supposed to by the end of yesterday."

"I got busy. Work is-"

"I don't want to hear your lousy excuses, Jacob since you clearly can't finish one simple thing," the voice scolded. "I'll just send Chad to do it."

MacAndy frowned, digging his fingernail into the desk. "No, no. I'll do it. By the end of today. I promise."

Another wave of silence and MacAndy had created a small indent in the wood. He decided to stop picking at the desk and focus on more important things, such as the paperwork before him. He tucked the earpiece between his shoulder and ear and picked up a piece of paper, reading the wide paragraphs of nonsense.

"Fine," the voice spoke again. "End of today and that's it. If you don't do it-"

"I know, I know. Goodbye."

The other end clicked off, leaving a dial tone to draw out. MacAndy replaced the receiver on the stand and leaned back in his chair. A weight snaked its way around his shoulders and settled deep within his stomach. He didn't want to disappoint, but there was a slight hesitation about what was going to happen. This singular thought started forming into different emotions that could only be described as a pineapple stuck in his throat.

He ignored this feeling by reaching into a nearby drawer and pulling out a pack of cigars. He lit one and leaned back in his chair, following the smoke with his eyes. MacAndy began to think about how the meeting with Mr. D would go down and there were two possibilities. One was that the plan would be a total bust and by the end of it, MacAndy would fail. His head would be hung on a pike in front of his supervisor's office. The other option is that the plan will go according to what his supervisor laid out and it will be a bittersweet ending to the problem. As he continued to think, the room grew foggier and the smell of tobacco started to stain the walls with no hope of ever coming out.

----

Night comes quicker than MacAndy expects. He is outside in his police curser, drumming his fingers along the window. Night holds many secrets, he thinks, it is the perfect cover for impending doom. He is waiting outside by a white estate with several pillars in front. A singular light hangs in front of the door and the sheriff can see some of the lights are on inside. There is a slight summer breeze that mingles with the rich smell of gas. He likes that smell -- brings back faint childhood memories with his father.

His thoughts continued to grow into moving pictures of better times where he and his father would play Cops and Robbers in the backyard. These images are interrupted by a slender male figure, coughing lightly. MacAndy shakes his head a bit and looks out the open left window. He is greeted with shimmering blue eyes and a charming white smile, a sight that has been imprinted in his head since the Marcos case opened.

"Are you Sheriff MacAndy?" the man asks, gesturing to the car.

"The one and only," MacAndy jokes. The man then starts chuckling for a moment, opening the door and sitting in the seat. "And you must be Fredrick Damon."

"The one and only," Fredrick replies, winking. MacAndy nods his head and puts the car into drive, slowly making their way down the street. A silence now filled the car as the two men, stared absently outside. Passing suburban houses and blooming trees created a sort of rich escape for Damon while MacAndy was trying his best not to run over any plastic trashcans.

The police curser finally made it out of the suburban area and into the more clogged part of Shanesburg.

"So, did you hear about Marcos' death?" MacAndy asked casually.

Damon's breath audibly hitched in his throat but played it off as a cough. "In such a small town, it'd be hard not to hear about Marcos' death."

"That and it happened at your party, Mr. Damon." MacAndy let that simple line hang in the air for a few moments before continuing. "Why did you leave the party?"

"I had something urgent that came up. A friend ended up in the hospital after eating some bad chicken," Damon responded. He catches the sights of several familiar places such as the deli and Mrs. Maizey's Dance Club, which judging from the several colorful lights that danced behind, was still open and filled with eager teenagers.

"That makes sense," MacAndy responded coolly. He stopped at a red light and looked at Damon from the corner of his eye. He was resting his chin in his hand and staring at a rather large building with a faint red and yellow logo on the side. His charm is how he got around, MacAndy thought, revving the cruiser when the light turned green. It can only take him so far.

MacAndy drove out of Shanesburg to a small cliff that kind of looked over the Barney Garana's Outlook, named after the founder of Shanesburg. Instead of buildings, the scenery changed to jumbled oak trees and broken, mossy logs. The cruiser drove up the steep dirt incline until the flickering nightlife of the town became the stars. He parked the car at the overlook and took a deep breath, leaning back in his seat. Damon now stares ahead, his eyes glazed over.

"Do you know what happened to Benjamin?" Damon suddenly asks without looking away from the town.

MacAndy peeks over at Damon. This is the first time he is referring to Mr. Macos as Benjamin. "I have some ideas about how he could have died but they are not set in stone," he responses.

Damon sighed shakingly, running a hand through his hair, which causes it to spike over the place like dead grass. "I just feel bad for leaving. I wished I had stayed behind." There was a slight choke in his voice. MacAndy didn't have time for crying -- the night was coming to an end soon enough.

"You can't keep wishing for things because it won't solve anything," MacAndy muttered. "You have to burn all of your problems into a metaphorical fire until it turns into a nice ashy grey." He then takes another deep breath and sits up, resting his hands on the stirring wheel. "We should probably be heading back," MacAndy says, adding a small laugh. "There's been a fair amount of strange activity reported up here."

Damon laughs distantly, cradling his hands in his lap. MacAndy turns the car key but the car whines. He looks awkwardly at Damon and turns the key again. Regret starts forming in the sheriff's stomach as he tries to start the car up again.

"Car's outta gas," MacAndy muttered.

Damon looked up from his sullen state and over at the sheriff. "Do you have gas?"

"Yeah, in the trunk. I'll fill the tank up," MacAndy answered. He then pushed the car door open and stepped out, greeted by the sweet summer air and an endless starry sky. A slight smile crossed his face as he closed the door. Before he could forget, MacAndy bent down and leaned to the window and said, "There are cigarettes in the glove compartment if you want to smoke."

MacAndy then went around the car to the trunk, popping it open. He grabbed the red gas jug that was laying on its side and shook it around, hoping that there'd be some gas left inside. MacAndy then closed the trunk and went around the side to the gas compartment. He could smell the faint waves of smoke coming from inside the car and smile. The last cigarette of the night, MacAndy told himself as he uncapped the red gas jug and the car's gas lid.

After he was done filling the tank, the sheriff stood back and took out a cigar from his breast coat pocket. MacAndy looked up at the stars again and wondered silently how he got to this point in his life. With the remaining light still left in his cigar, the sheriff flicked it down the tank tube and started walking away. It would only be a matter of minutes before the car exploded.

A matter of minutes before a life would go down the drain.

MacAndy believed there would be life after death and as he watched from afar the total carnage that came from the single explosion, he knew Fredrick Damon would be at rest for killing his best friend, Benjamin Marcos.


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Sat Sep 01, 2018 11:51 pm
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey shan! Here for a quick review today.

You do a lot of slipping between tenses again here. I'm not really sure why or else I'd try to give you tips on how to avoid it. For the first scene, you had it mostly in past, but then the second scene there was a lot of present tense.

"You have to burn all of your problems into a metaphorical fire until it turns into a nice ashy grey.

This was a really good line. It surprised me, as it feels so harsh, and MacAndy hadn't felt quite like that kind of character until that line, but upon reflection it works for me.

I also had assumed that, since the first scene was about dreading a meeting with Mr. D., and that this isn't a character we see a lot of, the second scene would be said meeting with Mr. D. So I was pretty surprised when it was Frederick instead, and I'm not totally sold on having the first scene at all if the point of this chapter is Frederick and his murder.

And on that note, what? MacAndy thinks Fredrick killed Benjamin? Is that because he knows about the suspicious circumstances that seem to suggest Patsy wasn't the one who killed him, so MacAndy's next conclusion was Fredrick, or does he have extra knowledge? It came a little out of nowhere for me, but it is a pretty good twist, especially with how you seeded the idea that it wasn't actually Patsy earlier.

As he continued to think, the room grew foggier and the smell of tobacco started to stain the walls with no hope of ever coming out.

I really like this as a detail - it's evocative and clearly parallels MacAndy's thoughts. It makes his meeting with Mr. D feel more ominous. I did think the sentence was worded awkwardly, however. I think you could use a more powerful verb than "grew foggier" - maybe the smoke swirls around him? It would help redirect the focus on the smoke more.

Anyway, I'm running out of time for today, so I think I'm going to leave it at that! I'll be back for the next part tomorrow.




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Sat Sep 01, 2018 7:23 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Finally here to review this!

Nit-picks:

A silence now filled the car as the two men, stared absently outside.

Don't need that comma.

but they are not set in stone," he responsesds.


MacAndy bent down and leaned to the window and said, "There are cigarettes in the glove compartment if you want to smoke."

There's going to be a fire, isn't there? If there is, this might be too obvious of a hint.

It would only be a matter of minutes before the car exploded.

Ohhhh okay never mind, good twist.

Overall:

Okay I think the main issue here is the balance between mystery and confusion. It is probably reasonable that we don't know exactly the connection MacAndy has with the club, but we need to know things like why they would leave the crime scene. By the end, I understand his trepidation from the beginning, he is on his way to murder. But for most of it I'm just wondering what is going on.

Or rather, what does Damon think is going on? Presumably he thinks MacAndy is there in a police capacity, which I am guessing is untrue. But then why would he drive him around in a car? Why is he the only officer present? Why is this a conversation rather than an interview? Why hasn't he been read any sorts of rights? These are the questions that don't seem to be explained for him, and him not questioning that is the question that I need answered for me.

It also took me just a little moment to remember who MacAndy was. Since there's been a lot of jumping around of characters it might be worth having a sentence or two to remind the reader.

What I did like here was the twist ending. I get slightly more of a sense of what the killings are all about. This guy killed someone, so he gets killed. Of course, if he knows Patsy has been accepted into the club then presumably he thinks she killed Marcos, not Damon, so that's a little confusing. Unless it's all an elaborate scheme... that's the kind of question it's okay to have. I'm very intrigued.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Tue Aug 21, 2018 1:40 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Look at this I'm early enough to grab it out of the green room!!

Okay I really enjoyed this chapter! I wasn't sure where you were going to take this so I loved that you added in some new characters and a new twisty plot line! This is probably going to be a short review...

The fact that the police are involved adds a whole extra layer of juice. How did they know Patsy got into the club? What's their role with the club? This goes back to my previous point about the club when Patsy was joining and how the police aren't aware this is going on - WELL LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE IN ON IT FOR SOME REASON. I want to know everything about this.

And FREDERICK. I had to look back in my notes to remember who Frederick is because I remembered the name but not his significance and OH I love that this is a reference to the Frederick from the very beginning who was there for the murder!

My only confusion is why Frederick had to die. Maybe as MacAndy is preparing to do the deed he can reflect or mention to himself why this has to happen. Is it because Frederick saw the dead body? Is it because Frederick knows the truth about what happened? That doesn't seem likely because it sounds like Frederick was trying to come up with an alibi with the whole chicken thing so he probably thinks he's under suspicion. Poor Frederick.

Looking forward to learning more and seeing how this continues to unravel!! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




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mellifera wrote a review...



Hey shan! it's me, ya girl. ;)


(so I totally didn't take a few notes down when I was reading it the other day lol but I wanted my initial impressions of it without forgetting)


Oooh MacAndy knows about the club?? I smell corruption >:(


Mr. D...you're names for some of these characters are amazing lol.


*sniffs* is that a Chloe I smell? ignoring that I already said that in the pad


Ah I'm loving your descriptions now <3 The way you describe how your characters are feeling really sets the mood and the atmosphere of the whole murder mystery! (I think I...already said that though :( )


"I'll just send Chad to do it."


were there Chads back then?

reading the wide paragraphs of nonsense.


I love this line?? (but I am sorta wondering how he's reading while he's talking? Maybe "skimming"?)

The other option is that the plan will go according to what his supervisor laid out and it will be a bittersweet ending to the problem.


that the plan would go*. Also, saying "option" makes it sound like MacAndy is choosing whether to fail or succeed, which is what he seemed to be worrying about just before? I'm not sure that was what you were going for or not.

Night holds many secrets, he thinks, it is the perfect cover for impending doom.


This feels too flowery for a thought? I mean, I guess you could pull it off based on what type of character you're writing, but it sounds unnatural. When you think about things, do you think of them with nice, clean synonyms or is more just whatever happens to run through your mind? Like I said, everyone has different ways of thoughts and so on, but this doesn't fell realistic for a character?

Night comes quicker than MacAndy expects. He is outside in his police curser, drumming his fingers along the window. Night holds many secrets, he thinks, it is the perfect cover for impending doom. He is waiting outside by a white estate with several pillars in front. A singular light hangs in front of the door and the sheriff can see some of the lights are on inside. There is a slight summer breeze that mingles with the rich smell of gas. He likes that smell -- brings back faint childhood memories with his father.


(police cruiser* and there's another typo when they leave)
Up until the point where they leave, you switched the tense to present and then when they do leave, you switched it back. Otherwise, I really like the all the descriptions here because it a) gives a visual and b) clues into a little part of MacAndy and gives his character another shade of colour. I love little details like that and also the smell of gas...oop.

"That and it happened at your party, Mr. Damon."


Was the party at his house or was it somewhere else? Because I feel like it's more compelling that the murder was at his house, but I don't know where the party took place.

A friend ended up in the hospital after eating some bad chicken."


yeah well somebody ended up in the morgue after eating some bad stab wounds at your party, Mr. D.

Damon responded. He catches the sights of several familiar places such as the deli,


*psst tense change ;)*

mr. damon more like mr. demon just kidding he hasn't done anything wrong yet I'm attacking him for no reason


I love how much? detail you've put into the town? and the places? and little things about it? can you? teach me your ways??

This is the first time he is referring to Mr. Macos as Benjamin.


Marcos*

"I have some ideas about how he could have died but they are not set in stone," he responds.


not like Benjamin is/will be anyway

MacAndy didn't have time for crying


what a gentleman.

"You have to burn all of your problems into a metaphorical fire until it turns into a nice ashy grey."


;)

"There's been a fair amount of strange activity reported up here."


ghosts


Even though I already knew what was happening there are enough twists in this chapter to make licorice and it's fantastic!
OKAY WAIT I wrote that down halfway through the review because I knew some of the twists BUT IT WAS PREMATURE BECAUSE THAT ENDING??? It made me gasp I hope you know that. SHAN I literally don't know what you were talking about this chapter being bad??? This has been my favourite chapter so far which is crazy since I really liked the last one two?? AH okay but really I love mystery but I struggle to find good ones but I love this okay but if I keep talking it's just going to be gushing ANYWAY.

I do have to wonder why Fredrick was meeting MacAndy? The meeting was obviously arranged before, but if Fredrick didn't know MacAndy was going to ask about Benjamin, what purpose did he have with coming? I have so many questions and I'm wondering if whoever called MacAndy to tell him to meet Fredrick wasn't planning on MacAndy killing him? By that extent, whether the phone lady set UP the meeting and Fredrick knew about it/her but not MacAndy's intentions? Although why would whoever it was on the other line arrange the meeting then? If it IS Chloe, it wouldn't make sense for her to ask MacAndy to kill Fredrick because that would probably bump Patsy up on the suspect list and I'm pretty sure she doesn't want that because it compromises whatever the club is. So maybe it's not Chloe? Or the killing was only MacAndy? I'm guessing the murder was planned, although it seems awful convenient that MacAndy seemed to count on the car running out of gas at that exact time? The other thing I can't help but think about is you mentioned that MacAndy was driving a police cruiser- but you also said that he ruled Fredrick's death as a suicide. Why would Fredrick be driving around in a police cruiser? Even in the case of it exploding, I'm pretty sure you'd be able to link the car to being a police cruiser.

OKAY WOW SORRY I'm rambling I'm getting far too excited haha I hope you can find something in there that is actually helpful and not just me being snarky or theorising.

Anyway! I hope you're having a great day!! ily and I'm very excited <3





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