z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 2

by shaniac


July 18, 1987

The party was swirling around Patsy's thoughts as she watched from the corner of the room near the kitchen. In her hand was a wine glass filled with pink champagne and before her laid the classic scene of the calm before the storm. Men dressed up in black suits with white buttons up were whispering to the ladies in classic white or blue dresses. Most of the attendees were focusing on the feature film, something her friend Chloe Roberston, had whipped up weeks before the party. It was a distraction from the real drama that would be unfolding. In the kitchen, lay Benjamin Marcos's dead body stabbed three in the back and all the credits going to Patsy. After the deed was done, she had run out of the kitchen and into Fredrick's bathroom to wash her hands. The wave of realization that she just killed someone completely washed over. It took her an hour or so to collect herself and return to the party, where now she waits for someone to find the body.

The plan was concocted by Chloe. Patsy only hoped it would go as planned. Doubts swirled her mind like a fish stuck in a storm drain. It was a shaky idea that when someone found the body, Patsy and Chloe would leave the scene and drive back to the safe location. The doubt was the police would stop the two before they left and Patsy would be arrested then thrown into jail next to some madman serial killer with tattoos over his face. The thought caused Patsy to shiver as she downed the rest of her champagne.

When going for another glass, Patsy heard someone open the kitchen door. The entire party slowed down and came to a screeching halt. Patsy could hear her heart thundering against her chest. A scream grabbed the attention of several of the attendees, but many concluded that it was just the movie playing. Patsy quickly grabbed another wine glass and chugged the champagne. It sizzled down her throat and caused her brain is scattered for a moment. She quickly looked over at where Chloe was standing. The film was still playing while everyone else talked amongst themselves, but Chloe was no longer there.

Patsy's hands began to shake and the entire room started to curve under her feet. The noises became muffled against the blood pounding in her ears. The momentum caused Patsy to kick herself into gear. Chloe had obviously left because the plan wasn't going the way she wanted to. It was clear from the very beginning of how careless Chloe really was. She could've done it herself but Patsy got in the way. It's my fault, Patsy thought while biting the inside of her cheek. She bit too hard that blood flowed into her mouth.

The kitchen door opened again and this time, the maid ran out screaming. Patsy glanced up from her sullen state and saw the crowd depart into losing fractions. The maid went around shaking people, speaking too fast for Patsy to really grab on to what she was saying. Some of the men went into the kitchen, followed by some curious ladies. One of the ladies, who had a glass of wine in her hand, screamed and dropped the glass. Another lady dressed in a white dress fainted on site.

"Someone call 911!" One of the men yelled, closing the kitchen door. Patsy took this as her cue to leave. Men would take ladies back to the seats and try talking to them through their tears. As the crowd started jumbling together like startled cattle, Patsy squeezed past and headed towards the entrance. Her mind was racing. What am I going to do? Chloe clearly isn't here, she asked herself. Pushing open the double glass doors, she began to run down the entryway. Her entire body was buzzing with momentum.

Once outside, Patsy glanced around her surrounding. In the front lot, there were two white limos parked in front, a giant hedge was covered in yellow flowers, and the front road curved around the house, towards the back. The police would be here any minute, Patsy warned herself. On impulse, she ran around the house. The side of Fredrick's house was covered in Boston Ivy and the smell of smoke rushed into Patsy's nose. Her entire body was running on instinct alone and that couldn't possibly calm her down.

There was a green and brown hatchback that was parked at the back and a sparkling, blue pool that was calling Patsy's name. As she ran past the hatchback, the window rolled down and a brown haired girl popped out.

"Patsy! Over here!" Chloe whispered, waving her hand.

Patsy stopped dead in her tracks and turned out. Her entire body was vibrating and her lungs were burning. "What're you doing?" she snapped, anger rushing out like lava.

Chloe shrugged and smiled. "I was the lookout, obviously. Now, get in the car so we can leave."

Patsy was going to ask something else but decided against it. She then jogged over to the hatchback and slid into the passenger side. Chloe put the car into the drive before Patsy could even buckle up. Just as they were leaving, the cops showed up, pulling into the front driveway.

The hatchback muttered slowly down the road as the silence inside the car swelled between Patsy and Chloe. Patsy glanced outside, watching the different houses and bushes rush past. There was a gut feeling of guilt that traveled throughout her body, but she couldn't place a finger on why there was guilt.

"So, how did it go?" Chloe asked, breaking the silence. Her entire body was slack with one hand on the steering wheel and the other resting against the window.

"How did what go?"

"You know, the murder."

Patsy blinked. Chloe was asking in such a domestic and calm manner, almost as if Patsy had just come out of the movies with some of her friends.

"What do you mean how did it go? I killed a man! You shouldn't expect me to be 'oh, it went well! His blood stained my hands and I used to paint a lovely message on the wall'," Patsy mimicked, moving her hands about. "I mean, the least you could've waited for me and we could've left earlier."

"That's fair," Chloe responded cooly.

"And not to mention, you left me to deal with wondering if I should put the body somewhere else or risk putting my fingerprints on a dead man, which I might add, I didn't."

"Good to hear."

"Then, I stood there waiting for some sort of sign from you or anyone to say 'hey, let's go!' But instead, I watched the kitchen door and when the maid screamed, I wasn't sure if should bolt or stay there." Patsy's anger was swirling like a lava lamp. She took a deep breath and calmly said, "you shouldn't have been lookout. No one even knew of our plan."

Chloe shrugged, now gripping the steering wheel with two hands. "I figured you would have it under control and have a little self-victory. If I knew you'd blow up like this, I would've stayed behind," she said. There was the silent "I'm sorry" that hung in the air but instead of accepting it, Patsy frowned and crossed her arms.

"Just take me home, Chloe," Patsy bitterly muttered.

The rest of the ride was in silence. Cars would past by and the muffled sound of someone's music playing on the radio made the silence more bearable. Patsy house was further up the highway and to the left, surrounded by trees and had a massive front yard. Chloe pulled the hatchback into Patsy's driveway and for a few moments, they sat there. A few beats and Patsy got out of the car without saying goodbye to Chloe. Snakes of regret crawled through her skin but she'd have to deal with that tomorrow morning. 

--- 

Later that night, Chloe sat in her room, dialing numbers with a slight smile spread across her face. Once she settled on a number, she then placed the phone on the bed and held the receiver to her ear. 

"Hello?" a male voice groggily asked over the phone. 

"The deed is done. Tomorrow, she will be sworn into the club. The rest will fall into place later on." 

The male voice yawned. "You could've waited to call before I head to bed." 

Chloe rolled her eyes and got up from the bed, walking to a window that overlooked the small town of Shanesburg. "If I waited, you would become impatient and we both know you aren't kind when you're impatient." 

"Fair point, I guess. What about-"

"He's gone. Probably will show up on your front steps a week following. Don't go too crazy with him, though." 

The man laughs. "I won't. I have to go to bed now or else my wife will-" 

Chloe sighs. "I know, I know. Good night." 

"Good night." 

The other end clicks leaving Chloe to a sound of the longed beep. She then placed the receiver back on the hook and threw the phone onto the bed. She watched Shanesburg slowly drift to darkness as the midnight hour approached the town like a panther. Tomorrow's another day, she told herself, adding a small smile to the sentiment before closing the curtains. 


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Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:12 pm
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elysian wrote a review...



back again! <333

**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**

In the kitchen, lay Benjamin Marcos's dead body stabbed three in the back and all the credits going to Patsy.


three times?

You shouldn't expect me to be 'oh, it went well! His blood stained my hands and I used to paint a lovely message on the wall',


used it? or used to...

She took a deep breath and calmly said, "you shouldn't have been lookout. No one even knew of our plan."


not really sure what you're trying to say here.


Okay, not bad! I will say it's kind of hard for me to keep up with the characters because so many are being introduced in these two chapters. It might also just be because I'm following a bunch of other novels and just forget thought.

I think this was the best one yet! I'm very interested in that phone call and to see where that's going for sure. I don't really have much to say other than that!

good job <3

- del




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Wed Aug 08, 2018 8:55 pm
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mellifera wrote a review...



hey shan!! guess who's finALLY back and finally catching up??

chugged the champagne.


chug chug chug chug

I don't know if this was meant to be a spot of humour in this wave of intensity? If it wasn't, I might, uh, use a different word? I mean, I liked it I just wasn't sure if that's what you were going for haha

It sizzled down her throat


This is my favourite description of alcohol ever!! thank you for this.


-Patsy is actually?? Wow I kinda feel bad for her poOR thing. But also I love the description of how she starts to panic. That was a lovely way of showing instead of saying "whoops she panic" <3


Another lady dressed in a white dress fainted on site.


I would maybe change this to "Another lady dressed in white fainted on site" or "Another lady in a white dress fainted on site" so you don't have the repetitive "dress/ed" :)

As the crowd started jumbling together like startled cattle,


YES I love this description too.


-Okay so far I am loving your descriptions and you've been doing a really great job at, yknow, showing stuff? ANYWAY as of right now I have no reasons to complain about your description so GOOD JOB :D I can't complain about descriptions OH NO D:


-also I like that we're getting a feel for what Patsy was...feeling lol. But seriously I think it's cool that we get to see what she was thinking while all this was happening and what she was doing and stuff?? I don't know how to articulate this?? but I really like it.


There was a gut feeling of guilt that traveled throughout her body, but she couldn't place a finger on why there was guilt.


well it's not like you just killed a man.

(so uh, this might just be me getting nitpicky, but there's something about "there was a gut feeling of guilt" that reads awkwardly? I feel like it's distancing the sentence from how Patsy's feeling, so I think you could put "she" and maybe something more like "she felt the heavy weight of guilt" or something?? I don't know that's up to you but 'she felt' is what I guess I was going for? also there was a repetition of guilt that stands out so there's that??)

"That's fair," Chloe responded cooly.


*raises eyebrows* that's fair?? wOW way to be a good friend chloe JEEZ. OOP you're feeling bad about murdering someone? that's fair.

"Just take me home, Chloe," Patsy bitterly muttered.


yeah cHLOE


Snakes of regret crawled through her skin but she'd have to deal with that tomorrow morning.


I LOVE IT!! I know why I love the other descriptions now and it's because it fits the mood of the scene so well?? They're all kind of spooky or creepy or the like and it just sets the atmosphere really nicely while still providing a really great description.


AH that enDING THOUGH?? I'm Very Curious now about what's going on and I know you said there's multiple things happening so I guess I'll just have keep reading to find out but I love that ending.

-Okay I really think this was one of your stronger chapters though. I really like that we got another perspective of the murder, and like I said, an insight into Patsy's head. And then the description, obviously, because we all know I am a description goblin. I'm REALLY SUSPICIOUS about what this "club" thing is (do I smell a cult or am I overreaching lol). oh also Chloe >:( and WHO IS THE MAN

-OKAY okay but I do have a little complaint and I don't remember if I mentioned this (it's been so LONG rip also I'm very sorry I haven't reviewed for like, 3 weeks so my brain's like "what's this") but your paragraphs tend to stray into the long side? Which I am Very Guilty of a lot so I feel the pain, but I do think there's places where you can split up the lines so you don't have chunks to dig through. Just makes it easier to read and stop, if a reader had to get up or pause to do something without finishing the chapter, y'know? It wasn't too bad as you went along but towards the beginning it was something I noticed.


That's all I have today!! Sorry I am very rusty and this was kinda spur of the moment because I came to READ but then I wanted to commentate as I did SO you get a review instead :D

I hope you can pick out something in there that's helpful! I'm getting excited now so you'll definitely see me back here soon :D

ily I hope you've having a fantastic day <33




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Sun Jul 29, 2018 11:48 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again!!

Nope. This is better. This is way better. I looooove a swirly story where there are two timelines and we watch them slowly swirl down until they finally meet together and our brains explode.

I really like that we're going back and we're going to see the after effects of the murder and that we the reader know who done it (although I'm glad that we don't know Patsy = grandma yet). I still think it'd be good to take out the hints that grandma could be a suspicious person in the last chapter because I still think it'd be cool to have a big reveal that blows the readers minds later that GRANDMA = PATSY AND SHE KILLED SOMEONE.

You hint at the why in this chapter, but I'm also glad we don't know why she killed Benjamin yet. Chloe seems suuuuuper sketch and this "club" sounds sketch and it's all very intriguing. It's interesting that Grandma Patsy seems to be showing some remorse or at least she wasn't excited about what she did while Chloe is so nonchalant - makes me wonder how many murders she's facilitated :o And the two of them don't seem to be chummy either so I'd be curious to know more of their backstory and how they met/how Chloe got her to do this.

Frederick wasn't mentioned in this segment (not that he has to be) but I'm wondering if he'll be woven in at some point because all eyes were on him initially after the murder.

Cool and interesting execution so far! Looking forward to reading more! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




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Wed Jul 25, 2018 4:26 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey Shan, you're stop 3 on my attempt to catch up with LMS week 3 xD

Nit-picks:

The doubt was the police would stop the two before they left and Patsy would be arrested then thrown into jail next to some madman serial killer with tattoos over his face.

This sounds like a not-great idea. At the very least it's going to be suspicious that they leave before the police get here. Could you maybe tell the reader why they had settled on this plan?

"I figured you would have it under control and have a little self-victory. If I knew you'd blow up like this, I would've stayed behind," she said.

Okay, I'm starting to get really confused now. Were they not clear on each other's roles in the plan?

Overall:

I am becoming very intrigued with the plot of your story. What the hell is the club??? Why is Chloe so nonchalant? Why does Patsy want to be in the club? Why was she left so in the dark about the plan - is that something to do with an iniation into the club? And above all why did Benjamin Marcos have to die? I love that the mystery here is not whodunnit but instead whythehellpatsydunnit.

However, I do think you have a fair few stylistic issues. For example, there's a stray tense switch at the end of your first paragraph. There's a few typos as well, but I'm sure those two things are just cos LMS. A more systematic problem is something along the lines of word choice, but not quite word choice. I'm not sure how to explain. The rhythm of your sentences and the way they flow into each other is just a bit clunky. I forgot to note one down and I'm not really sure how I expect you to identify that, but I think maybe try saying your work out loud and see if it feels smooth to say.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




shaniac says...


Thanks for your review! Every question and more will be answered in the incoming chapters (including who killed Benjamin and why).



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Mea wrote a review...



Hey shan! I'm a little late on this one, but I am finally here!

I wasn't expecting to get a chapter from Patsy's view! But I like it, and it'll be really interesting to contrast her present-day self with her past self. Something to consider here is what readers will think at this stage of you *telling* them outright who the murderer is. Because this is the mystery genre, so they might be expecting to not be told and have to work it out along with the main character. But depending on what the blurb on the back cover would (hypothetically) say, and if you've made it clear that the mystery part of it takes place so many years after the murder, then I think you should be fine.

The party was swirling around Patsy's thoughts as she watched from the corner of the room near the kitchen. In her hand was a wine glass filled with pink champagne and before her laid the classic scene of the calm before the storm.

This is a small thing, but something you could apply more broadly, and that is to just prune unnecessary or weaker words, to let the stronger words shine. Here, I think this is a great line, but it would be stronger without the extra phrase "classic scene of" - instead, just "before her lay the calm before the storm." (Also, smaller note, you want a comma between "champagne" and "and", because the subjects of the two sentences are different - the wine glass and the calm before the storm, and whenever they're different, you need a comma and a preposition.)

Overall, I think the beginning of the scene was the weaker part. At the sentence level, there are a fair few grammar errors (mostly to do with commas, like the one I mentioned above) and several confusing sentences. A lot of it is to do with you switching tenses - I caught a few more present tense instances - or just using odd phrases like "all the credits going to Patsy" (did you mean "credit's"?

I started really getting into the chapter when it came to Patsy and Chloe's argument. Your strength is definitely your dialogue and character actions. It showed a lot about both of their characters', and that plus the little scene from Chloe at the end was definitely pretty great.

One final thing - I can't help but think their escape plan leaves them looking awfully suspicious? Who leaves the house right after a body is discovered unless they're trying to hide something? And why wouldn't the police be able to track them down later? I'd assume they'd get a list of everyone at the party and go around questioning them over the period of several weeks.Maybe they've thought of all of this - I don't know. :p

And I think that's all I've got! I think this was the chapter I enjoyed most of all so far, thanks to the interesting characters and the question of what this group is she's being initiated into. Looking forward to the next one!




shaniac says...


Thank you so much for your review!



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Wed Jul 18, 2018 7:00 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hello there! I've read the both the prologue and the first chapter, but they both had several reviews already on them so I decided to just hop on over to this one. :p

Okay, so the first thing I was wondering was about the fingerprints. Not on Benjamin's body (as Patsy had mentioned before) but rather on the murder weapon? From the first paragraph when Patsy washes her hands, it doesn't mention gloves. Not big of a deal writing wise, but I guess getting-away-with-murder wise, it's kind of a big deal.

Also, yeah, not too sure that was the best plan. Leaving right as someone calls 911 is slightly suspicious, though I suppose they could get away with it if they snuck away without anyone noticing. But, I mean, I guess they did a fairly good job because the case has been unsolved for 30 years or so, lol.

It was clear from the very beginning of how careless Chloe really was. She could've done it herself but Patsy got in the way.


This bolded bit really confused me. I wasn't sure if you meant "Chloe" instead of Patsy? If not, I really have no idea what the intention of the sentence is (the only thing I can think would be Chloe thinking Patsy got in the way, but that doesn't fit the perspective that's been established already).

As I was reading, I was wondering what the motive for killing Benjamin was for Patsy (and Chloe). And then I get to this:

"The deed is done. Tomorrow, she will be sworn into the club. The rest will fall into place later on."


and I'm like, oh dang. Very mysterious.

I thought it was really interesting how we get to see the story from the murderers point of view - a very early on, too. It's different but I think it will work out, especially since there's a loooot left to explore.

I also enjoyed the dynamic between Chloe and Patsy. It was definitely... strange. But good strange; it got me thinking. And I'm really curious and want to know more about their relationship (and what the heck is the 'club'!!!).

Anyway, I think that's all my thoughts. I'm really looking forward to reading more and I'm really enjoying this so far. (Also, "Shanesburg". Intentional? ;) )

EternalRain





Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind