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Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Chapter 10.2

by shaniac


July 30, 1987

Detective Travis Seymour paced in front of Mr. Hamstring's desk, pinching his eyebrows together. Hamstring was nervously threading his fingers together while staring nervously at the picture on his desk. Inside the frame was a picture of his daughter, dressed in a pink dress with black curls and smiling brightly at the man behind the camera. He remembered the day clearly as that was the day his wife left him and ran away with some other guy. It didn't hurt Hamstring as he knew it was bound to happen as his appearance wasn't that attractive.

While Hamstring was in his thoughts about the past, Travis was trying his best to piece together evidence he received from Hamstring and other sources. He was introduced to the Benjamin Marcos case by an anonymous tip and then quickly started gathering more and more clues from the police and newspapers. The facts and theories were piling up as Travis moved from person to person. His leading suspect was Hamstring as he was the manager of Benjamin as well as Fredrick Damon. The key points of the murder continued to swirl together like a thick paint as Fredrick was found dead inside of a car that had been blown up. Travis went to the scene after the police left, who concluded it was an act of protest about how careless the police force was in solving the case.

Travis had a hard time believing it. It wasn't part of police conduct to immediately assume the death of someone, but instead consult with a medical examiner to figure out how they could've possibly died. Travis had a gut feeling there was something deeper than just a car fire and Benjamin's murder but he couldn't place his finger on what. He stopped pacing for a moment and looked at Mr. Hamstring. A good suspect, Travis reminded himself, most likely to use his kindness to lead people astray or perhaps to trick a random stranger into doing something sinister.

The information that Mr. Hamstring had provided didn't give much Travis much closer to the case as it was just background information and random rambles about the club. He, as a detective, didn't find it interesting and focused mainly on critical ideas such as that Fredrick was the previous leader of the murder club, Mr. Hamstring was at the party but left with some friends as the police started clearing people out, and Hamstring didn't know Benjamin was killed and considered it to be a someone completely different at the party.

I think I'll come back when I have more information, Travis reminded himself.

"Mr. Hamstring," Travis started, "I think I have enough information for now. I'll come back to you once I have more things." He then went to the coat rack in the corner of the room and grabbed his tan coat and slouch hat.

Mr. Hamstring ripped his eyes from the picture frame and nodded rapidly. "Of course! Take all the time, I mean, that sounds like a good plan."

Travis pressed his lips together and tipped his hat downwards. He then pushed the door open but had it pulled away from him, causing the detective to stumble forward a bit.

"Move outta the way," a voice snapped. Travis looked up and spotted a girl with honey brown hair and anger billowing behind her hazel eyes. Travis did as he said, raising his hands in a dejected manner as the girl shut the door to Hamstring's office. I wonder who that could be? Travis asked himself. A new suspect? Perhaps. For now, time to see an old friend.

The detective then disappeared in the shadows, shrugging his shoulders up.

---

Patsy was pissed.

A few days after she spoken to Hamstring about leaving the club, there were death threats in her mailbox. She ignored them as any sane person would and continued on with her life. Until these death threats came in the form of people knocking on her door at 2 am and harsh words carved on her front door.

All signs were pointed towards the fat man himself and Patsy worked herself up to catch the rat before it continued to be a pest. She sped her way to the club, ignoring the usual traffic and cars honks as anger continued to fuel her outragous attempt to avoid death. When she parked in the parking lot, several men were outside smoking and noted the intense parking job that Patsy did.

"Nice parking, Storkhill," one of the men commented before taking a long drag of his cigarette. Everyone else laughed along while Patsy fumed, gripping the purse strapes in her hands.

"Maybe you should stop smoking before you want to die at a young age. Oh wait. You do want to die since you don't care much about your life since you're apart of this club," Patsy retorted and walked off to the enterance. The men blinked at each other and stared in disbelief, questioning her outburst.

When Patsy made it through the enterance, she stormed towards Mr. Hamstring's office, ignoring the doorkeeper and pushing through the empty and broken hallways. She ignored the loud bustling that came from the smokers in the resting area in the middle of the club. She pushed through the metal doors and towards the velvet red doors that blocked off Hamstring's office from the rest of the club.

She composed herself, taking a deep breath and pushed open the door. A man wearing a tan coat stumbled forward, trying to find his footing. Patsy groaned mentally and snapped, "Move outta the way." He then looked up and stepped out of the way to the way, raising his hands up in the way. Patsy licked her lips and stepped inside Mr. Hamstring's office, throwing her purse over her shoulder.

Mr. Hamstring's eyes widen and stuttered out, "Miss Stork-khill! What a pleasant surprise."

"You know damn well why I'm here, Edward. Now start explaining why you are hiring people to stalk me." 


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Sat Oct 27, 2018 4:15 am
mellifera wrote a review...



hey shan! I'm back for more <3 let's jump right in, shall we?


He remembered the day clearly as that was the day his wife left him and ran away with some other guy. It didn't hurt Hamstring as he knew it was bound to happen as his appearance wasn't that attractive.


So that last sentence is a little clunky to read (as he knew, as his appearance, y'know?). But then I just wanted to uh, mention it. Marriage isn't just about appearance and stuff? Like, I'd imagine if they married and had a daughter, they must have had some feelings for each other, unless it was arranged or something. I mean, unless Hamstring just assumes she left him because he doesn't think he's attractive. Also, this might just be a sorta unreliable narrator, but if he remembers his wife leaving so vividly, that tells me it did hurt. Unless they were just in that unhappy of a relationship. Either way, I feel like this could have been clarified, or at least had a different reason for Hamstring's wife leaving?

Travis went to the scene after the police left, who concluded it was an act of protest about how careless the police force was in solving the case.


(were in solving the case* :P) I...admittedly don't remember if you mentioned this to me or if it was really mentioned, but if it was already brought up in the story, I wouldn't repeat it? We would already know if it had been brought up. You could summarise it if you want to bring up Travis' suspicion (like, "Travis had a hard time believing the final conclusion of Fredrick Damon's death." y'know?)


I don't remember if I mentioned this, but Hamstring, as a former leader of a murder club, seems awful cheerful and compliant with the law poking their noses around in his business. I mean, it's fair enough to believe since it's been a long time but like, he sent people out to murder other people. Has this guy been to jail since then? It seems almost as though he got off the hook?


She ignored them as any sane person would


PATSY PLEASE.
patsy: death threats? pf, an everyday occurence. no need to despair!

came in the form of people knocking on her door at 2 am and harsh words carved on her front door.


Okay, but if people are being hired to knock on her door at 2am...what are they doing? Just trying to wake her up? waving a candlestick around? trying to sell her girl scout cookies? Like, if she's getting all these death threats and stuff...why is nobody trying to kill her?
Also, wouldn't somebody get suspicious if Patsy's door just got carved with really threatening messages? Like, wouldn't somebody be concerned, or report that? For a club of illegal activities, they sure seem to be not great at staying quiet about their affairs.

"Maybe you should stop smoking before you want to die at a young age.


...what? This seems like a mix of "before you die at a young age" and "if you don't want to die at a young age"?
(This retort seems kinda flimsy for how mad Patsy's supposed to be? Like, if I'm mad, I'm gonna be really short and snippy. I don't know about Patsy or anything, but it just seems out of place, and it doesn't really have much impact?)

and towards the velvet red doors that blocked off Hamstring's office


wait, are his doors velvet too?


Okay! So this was a pretty interesting chapter! I still want to bring up the death threat part. I like this as an implement, but I think it could have been incorporated differently? Right now, it doesn't feel as if Patsy is in much danger? Like, okay, death threats are serious, and I'm not trying to discredit them. But they...end there? Like, Chloe made it sound like something terrible would happen to her if she left the club. But here she is, and besides annoyances, she doesn't seem to be in any danger? Maybe I just have to wait, and I get that this would be super irritating to Patsy to live with, but is she really just going to go right back to the place sending her death threats, that she tried to leave, and just...ask them to stop?


I'm still loving Travis! I'm excited to see how he fits in to all this. And Ronnie! Are they gonna work together to try to solve all this? I mean, maybe not. But still! And I'm also curious about that anonymous tip. Was that just a plot device, or was it more? was it fredrick before he died? I'm guessing it wasn't patsy, because she's trying to distance herself and she's too mad to be guilty I think. was it somebody else??? I AM CURIOUS rip.


Okay! That's all I have for you today! I hope that was helpful, and I hope I see more from you :) If you have any questions, please let me know!!

I hope you're having a lovely day!!

<3




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Sun Oct 14, 2018 5:57 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello!! :D

This segment didn't do as much for me, but I liked the second half better than the first half again. I think my main qualm with this segment was that it felt like mostly telling. The whole first segment was the detective telling us about his assumptions and how the case has gone rather than seeing the detective questioning Hamstring so we could all come up with conclusions together.

I found it a little odd that the detective left when Patsy came into the room even though he thought to himself this could be another suspect. He said he's waiting for more information. Is this not new information? At the very least figuring out who this person is and how she's connected to Hamstring?

And would he not have overheard what Patsy said at the end about having people stalk her? Even though he left the room, he couldn't have gotten far before she said that. Surely that would pique his interest for new information. And does Patsy have any apprehension about talking to Hamstring about this when there's an unfamiliar man in the room as well (again, even though he left the room he could probably still overhear)? Or is she so blinded by rage that she doesn't care? And does the detective look like a detective? When Patsy ran into him would she realize that she ran into a detective? Would she want the police to know what's really going on and what happened or is she afraid of being implicated in the murder?

And this just occurred to me. I know I've gone on and on in past reviews about how the police don't know about this murder club - this detective knows it's a murder club! He cares about this specific murder of Benjamin, which I get, but why/how is he not blowing the whole thing open and arresting everyone? Is it kind of like the mob where you have a fairly good idea it's them but you still need some concrete proof it's them before you can actually get them? And I'm surprised Hamstring talked to him at all if this is supposed to be a top secret organization.

As always, I'm looking forward to seeing how this all develops!! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D





Who knows anything about anyone, let alone themselves.
— Hank Green