The Stages of Friendship

I have a love-hate relationship with this poem.

What I love: The simplicity, the meaning, the shape, the style-- just the atmosphere. It has this great tone to it and an even better overall warmth. It comes full circle, leaves no real questions, an very well communicates a mechanical idea without a flaw. This means that logically, this poem is perfect.

Unto some more love-- the freaking topic. I love the topic. I mean-- way to make something relatable, dude. This poem can fit anybody-- and that is a sign of a good poem. Universal context gives you a wide audience, which will prove very profitable in the future, if you desire to pursue some sort of career in creative writing.

I mean, I'd buy a book if it had that written on the back, because even if it's a story that I've felt, it's relatable.

Relatability creates security among readers. Reading something with this much relatability creates a connection between author to reader. That connection is beautiful, brilliant and bold. Very VERY good job on that.

Now, because I am a nit-picky and well-established poet, I will detail the flaws I found.

I didn't get much depth from the poem. While it is relatable, it's almost too relatable. It's too easy for me to situate into the piece as though it's a story with developed characters-- and that's now necessarily a bad thing. The only real problem is that it's almost too story-like, and doesn't seem to have any underlying meaning. There seems to be no hidden connotations, no motives-- nothing. It's just a story. A relatable story, but it's just a story.

As for the poetic "flow" that you asked for advice for-- adding some of that jazzy connotative juice to it can help with that. Using rich diction that conveys sorts of verbal ambivalence can give you more syllables (if you're using bigger words) or less (if you're using shorter, or more concise words). This opportunity can present you the ability to further manipulate syllable flow, and thus modify the poetic flow.

Overall, good job!

keep writing,

xoxo

Kitty

Guess what!?!?!


You, fair maiden, are the recipient of my 300th review!!!!!

Hi, I'm KnightTeen of the Green Room Knights, here to vanquish this evil beast.

Just glancing at this in general gives me one impression. It's very long. Now, that's not a problem. I like long poetry. But you did say that you wanted to improve your flow, and one way to do that is to break it into stanzas.

Find a good ending point, and then create a space between the two lines before continuing on to the next one.

EX:

Line 1
line 2
line 3

line 4
line 5
line 6

They don't have to be perfectly even, but you don't want a large one with some small ones. General evenness is good when it comes to stanzas. (The same thing applies to paragraphs.)

Now, for the actual content, this is amazing. You manage to capture the reality of many childhood friendships. The fact is, they don't last forever. Some of us get lucky and our relationships become stronger, but as we grow up, we change, and it's not often that our friends change with us.

Your realism is spectacular. You're not afraid to say it like you mean it. And that's what makes me love this poem.

The ending was my favorite part, by the way. It's something that I closely relate to.

Happy Writing!
KT

I loved this. Absolutely LOVED it!
I am not very good at critiquing poetry, so I am sorry I can't be of much help. But I can't really find anything wrong with it.
It's amazing how you've used scents to describe the different stages of your friendship. And I also love the imagery you've used. (I know I've probably over-used the word "love").
Anyway, I relate to this and I am actually going to take a print out if this and pin it up.
Keep writing

I really liked the title you put to this piece. It's simple and pretty much to the point.
I have to be honest and say that the start hit me a little to heavy for a beginning, but that's just me I suppose. I like starters that pique my interest and simply draw me in, but I feel maybe the first was a bit too long?

"That was the year
my house became your house,
we built an empire in the forest,
and I got the second sister I never needed
but was glad for anyway."

I absolutely adore this stanza and once I read it I'm pretty much hooked.
I feel this stanza was more powerful -I think- than the one you started with.
It gave me a 'Bridge to Terabethia' feel, especially with that 'empire' word thrown in.
Love it

"That was the year
my house was sleepover central,
we played late games of MASH,
and I got the mentor I never needed
but was glad for anyway."

That one gave me a very pretty picture as well. I can't help but wonder if your speaking from experience here, because I see so much in so short a stanza.
I kinda started reminiscing here as well- the crazy sleepovers, the awesome food and horrid storytelling. I also thought it was very sweet and adolescent in a way. Captivating, nostalgic, and quite honest.

"...and you kissed your boyfriend in front of me,
with your mother's perfume on your neck
and an experienced attitude
that seemed to swallow me whole"

That stanza hit me like a ton of bricks.
We were talking about a 'girl'? My bad. :/

"while you report trivial things to me,
with a faraway expression in your eyes,
and the deepening rift between us
confines each of us to her own side"

This made a lot of sense, and although it saddened me it was not surprising.
I'm impressed by how you've described the rift between these two. Their choices, different paths and interests was very subtle and cut-throat at the same time.
You didn't disappoint me with this turn.

my house becomes my house,
you fade away into a stranger,
and the memories remain.
And I realize that never before in my life,
have I ever felt so confused
over something that should be so simple.

Funny how simple things tend to be the hardest at times.
Kinda like how saying "I love you" or "I'm sorry" should be pretty 'simple' to do, but then you find out it's sorta... not.

I enjoyed this poem a lot, because of it's honesty.
Although I do think that there's room for improvement. As you've stated, 'your not satisfied with it' I have to say it was a treat reading this, but it felt like 'something' was missing. Imagery was fine.
But maybe there could've been more 'depth'. (might not be the right word.)
Something in the poem that would make others drink in every word as if it were their own.

I hope you die of old age while reading this.
My sincerest condolences if you did.
density//