Back in Pre-K, you whispered
through grimy hands,
“I stole the last cookie.”
You grinned in triumph, until
fear got the better of you.
Then your forehead crinkled comically
and you squeaked,
“But don’t tell, okay?”
Even then, we linked pinkies
to seal the deal.
In sixth grade, we lay on your mattress,
sharing the silence without
feeling uncomfortable,
like only true friends can.
Then your voice,
humming with elation, broke the spell.
“I think I like Tyler.”
Then, as always, we pinky swore
not to tell.
Now, you look at me with sunken eyes
and say the very words
I’ve been expecting
but don’t want to hear.
“What do you think it’s like, letting go of life?”
You see my pained expression
and quickly frame it as a joke,
but you know I don’t believe you
and soon your secret will be out.
My motives are clear:
this is one secret I will not keep.
So, in desperation, you hold out your pinky,
just like old times.
But now, it just dangles
alone.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,505 Literary Works • 672,592 Reviews
Hey Sarah! I just was going through your portfolio to see if you had anything new and I decided to re read this! This time I took my time and let everything sink in and it actually made me cry! You are one of the most talented writers I have ever met and I can't wait to see you after the summer! Bravo!
Sarah this was so well written! I could see every single part of it!! It made my whole day
thank you so much for being so talented!!
Wow, I really liked the transition from sheer innocence and reminisence to a very relevant, grim, and real scene. You used very descriptive words and definitely have my compliments. I can see the very scene before my mind's eye, the words are just that good. If this is really your first poem, I am very impressed and hope to see a lot more of the things that you can write. Very intense, very artistically done. Well writ.
i'd say that there is a narrative here. I thought the repetition, the promise motif was effective, the dialogue in particular is pretty powerful, I liked the specific details, reminders that this is taking place amongst the narrator's daily life. I want more details like that, the cookie thing, the "i think i like tyler' or whatever thing. I wanted more of that stuff, mostly. Stronger nouns, and more sensory detail would also help.
best,
W. O. W.
I love it! Its got emotion, and history. It set up the end well. It has a good beginning and end! Good Job!
I liked this. The emotion and the message behind it. The first stanza made me smile; quite a sentence to be best friends over. I liked the progression through it, from something as simple as eating a cookie to liking someone and... well, "letting go of life." I feel for both the narrator and the friend here.
Once again, good job; I couldn't find anything wrong with this poem whatsoever. Which is good, of course. I tend to be a bit nitpicky. But that's besides the point. Good job, I'm looking forward to seeing more of your work around the site.
Also: welcome to YWS!
Hey there! Welcome to YWS!! Great to read your writing! I do think this is more of narrative poetry and I absolutely love the story line! Depressing, but beautiful in it's own way. It's kind of like prose, very poetic in a story sense. But don't take my word for it
I think we all have those moments of secret trust, but then it does get to the point it shouldn't be kept. Even if it is a close friend. Even if it breaks your heart. I love your writing! Keeping writing! You've got the talent!
-Butterfinger!