It was raining. She ran through the rain, her little feet pounding on the wet pavement, droplets running through her wispy brown hair. Lightning. She shrieked and ran faster. The trees swayed violently, flinging fresh H2O in every direction. There was the dark house. She was so close…
As she pounded up the path, she noticed behind her a little daisy being pounded into the earth by the violent gales of rain. She stopped suddenly, staring at the poor flower, shivering as the water washed over her and soaked her completely. She could feel the pools in her shoes, the rain soaking her socks, rinsing through her jacket and skirt, washing its way through her sloppy, wrecked ponytail. She stared at it, half blind in the rain, before turning on her heel and running even faster than before to the house.
Up the stairs, across the deck, through the door, onto the welcome mat. She stood there, shivering for a short moment before shaking herself and turning her attention to the umbrella stand sitting next to the coat rack beside the door. She grabbed a large black umbrella and raced back out the door to the sound of her mother yelling after her that it was storming, it was dangerous and cold, don’t go out there!
Out the door, across the deck, down the steps, along the path. She skidded to a stop beside the poor drowning daisy. She crouched down beside it in the pouring rain and fumbled with the umbrella for a second, fingers frozen, clumsy, and slippery. The big black umbrella finally snapped open above her and the struggling daisy, protecting them both from the rain.
And there she sat, shivering and wet, for the better part of an hour, protecting the little flower until the storm passed and the rain stopped. When she finally closed the dripping umbrella, it was warmer and she was almost dry. The sun was peaking out from behind some remaining storm clouds. And the daisy had perked up, was dry and straight again. She smiled, and walked slowly up the path, ascended the stairs, crossed the deck and trudged, grinning, through the doorway.
It is actually very beautifully written, and I loved the fact that you were able to describe the scene so elegantly in merely a few paragraphs. I really couldn't find any flaws in it, yet I felt like I couldn't see the overall picture. Like, I thought this was more suited to be an extract from a book or a beginning of the chapter. But the writing part was very good. Amazing attention to detail and imagery. Hoping to read more!
I kind of love how descriptive you are in this story. It is so detailed and I could imagine it all.
So now let's get to some smaller parts of the story.
I like how you used 'lightning' as a fragment in the first paragraph to create a tense atmosphere. It is already quite detailed, but I think you may wish to describe more about the environment the girl was in. Is she in a forest? You kind of mentioned it subtly by
(sorry if I got it wrong...) , yet I think describing what sort of place she was in would better bring out the whole picture.The trees swayed violently
As she pounded up the path, she noticed behind her a little daisy being pounded into the earth by the violent gales of rain.
She could feel the pools in her shoes, the rain soaking her socks, rinsing through her jacket and skirt, washing its way through her sloppy, wrecked ponytail.
She grabbed a large black umbrella and raced back out the door to the sound of her mother yelling after her that it was storming, it was dangerous and cold, don’t go out there!
She grabbed a large black umbrella and raced straight back to head out of the house. The sound of her mother yelling that 'it was storming', 'it was dangerous and cold', 'don’t go out there!' faded as she lunged for the door.
Hey there, it's sober , simple and neatly written. In a few paras you have sketched and introduced a character (without a name though) as well as told a story. As someone has already told it has the potential of being a prologue of a novel. It was a nice piece, good to read. Well done.
PS. Do mark this as a review as i have trouble with the same button. :/
This is actually pretty neat. In 5 paragraphs you managed to create a character that could be interesting enough to star in a novel, with almost no dialogue. Actually, this whole passage seems like the start of a bigger story in some way. I like how ambiguous you left it, it leaves me wondering if that flower had some sort of significance to her.
This is a seriously good piece!
It makes you wonder about this girl. What is she like? Why go through so much effort for the one flower? What's so important about it to her? But I think that half the beauty of the work is that you dont know, it allows the reader to come up with theory's about this girl in their heads. Maybe she appreciates the beauty of the daisy and wants to stop it from being destroyed by the storm, or maybe she feels like she is a little fragile like the flower and because of the similarities between them feels compelled to protect the daisy. I dont know. And I think that's why I like it so much.
The only thing that I perhaps didnt like so much is where you used the phrase 'flinging fresh H2O in every direction', I think that maybe it would have flowed a little better if you had just described it as water. But that's probably just me. In any case it's only a minor thing, and other than that I found this piece entirely flawless.
It's awesome. 
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