It was raining. She ran through the rain, her little feet pounding on the wet pavement, droplets running through her wispy brown hair. Lightning. She shrieked and ran faster. The trees swayed violently, flinging fresh H2O in every direction. There was the dark house. She was so close…
As she pounded up the path, she noticed behind her a little daisy being pounded into the earth by the violent gales of rain. She stopped suddenly, staring at the poor flower, shivering as the water washed over her and soaked her completely. She could feel the pools in her shoes, the rain soaking her socks, rinsing through her jacket and skirt, washing its way through her sloppy, wrecked ponytail. She stared at it, half blind in the rain, before turning on her heel and running even faster than before to the house.
Up the stairs, across the deck, through the door, onto the welcome mat. She stood there, shivering for a short moment before shaking herself and turning her attention to the umbrella stand sitting next to the coat rack beside the door. She grabbed a large black umbrella and raced back out the door to the sound of her mother yelling after her that it was storming, it was dangerous and cold, don’t go out there!
Out the door, across the deck, down the steps, along the path. She skidded to a stop beside the poor drowning daisy. She crouched down beside it in the pouring rain and fumbled with the umbrella for a second, fingers frozen, clumsy, and slippery. The big black umbrella finally snapped open above her and the struggling daisy, protecting them both from the rain.
And there she sat, shivering and wet, for the better part of an hour, protecting the little flower until the storm passed and the rain stopped. When she finally closed the dripping umbrella, it was warmer and she was almost dry. The sun was peaking out from behind some remaining storm clouds. And the daisy had perked up, was dry and straight again. She smiled, and walked slowly up the path, ascended the stairs, crossed the deck and trudged, grinning, through the doorway.
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140,071 Literary Works • 672,990 Reviews
It is actually very beautifully written, and I loved the fact that you were able to describe the scene so elegantly in merely a few paragraphs. I really couldn't find any flaws in it, yet I felt like I couldn't see the overall picture. Like, I thought this was more suited to be an extract from a book or a beginning of the chapter. But the writing part was very good. Amazing attention to detail and imagery. Hoping to read more!
Thanks for the review! Yeah, it was supposed to be a bit vague. But thanks!
I kind of love how descriptive you are in this story. It is so detailed and I could imagine it all.
(sorry if I got it wrong...) , yet I think describing what sort of place she was in would better bring out the whole picture.So now let's get to some smaller parts of the story.
I like how you used 'lightning' as a fragment in the first paragraph to create a tense atmosphere. It is already quite detailed, but I think you may wish to describe more about the environment the girl was in. Is she in a forest? You kind of mentioned it subtly by
Why did she seem so hurried in the first paragraph? Was it that she had to protect the flower? This is not really a comment but something that I am not sure about, because in the second paragraph it was mentioned that she noticed the daisy as she walked along the path, as in she knew nothing about the flower before.
By the way you had a vivid imagination and imagery demonstrated in this piece. Keep it up!
I like how you described the rain 'pounding' the daisy. Yet, here you used 'pounded' twice. Very often I myself use the same word twice in a same sentence (there- you see?), and I find out that they affect the impression the work and its author leaves in a reader's mind.
There's nothing wrong with it. I simply adore this part.
I don't think it should be phrased like that because it is too long, and it is not really flowing nicely. Perhaps you could have it like this:
It is just an example of how I would have done that, but I do appreciate how you originally deliberately did not use quotation marks for the yelling of her mother. It cleverly hints how much the girl cared about the flower that she ignored her mother's warning. A nice touch!
Overall:
While the descriptive part is executed beautifully the short story itself lacks a bit a drama, but perhaps it is just a brief introduction of a character it is understandable. I like how you create a character with her actions. Excellent work!
Hey there, it's sober , simple and neatly written. In a few paras you have sketched and introduced a character (without a name though) as well as told a story. As someone has already told it has the potential of being a prologue of a novel. It was a nice piece, good to read. Well done.
PS. Do mark this as a review as i have trouble with the same button. :/
This is actually pretty neat. In 5 paragraphs you managed to create a character that could be interesting enough to star in a novel, with almost no dialogue. Actually, this whole passage seems like the start of a bigger story in some way. I like how ambiguous you left it, it leaves me wondering if that flower had some sort of significance to her.
Yeah, I think she kept it growing and all its predecessors until she grew up. Thanks for the review! Anything this short story needs help with?
hm, I can't really think of anything that wouldn't be nitpicking. I guess the last sentence could use work, instead of all those commas making a choppy sentence you could write it like "She happily walked a slow walk up to the doorway. Grinning hugely, she went inside." Also it might ruin the ambiguous ending (if that was your goal) but I think you could have kept going if you wanted to, maybe introduce some kind of conflict with the flower and her mother.
Hmm... I'll think about it... But thanks!
This is a seriously good piece!
It makes you wonder about this girl. What is she like? Why go through so much effort for the one flower? What's so important about it to her? But I think that half the beauty of the work is that you dont know, it allows the reader to come up with theory's about this girl in their heads. Maybe she appreciates the beauty of the daisy and wants to stop it from being destroyed by the storm, or maybe she feels like she is a little fragile like the flower and because of the similarities between them feels compelled to protect the daisy. I dont know. And I think that's why I like it so much.
The only thing that I perhaps didnt like so much is where you used the phrase 'flinging fresh H2O in every direction', I think that maybe it would have flowed a little better if you had just described it as water. But that's probably just me. In any case it's only a minor thing, and other than that I found this piece entirely flawless.
It's awesome.
Thanks! Yeah, I couldn't think of another word to describe 'water' 'cause I was using it so much, but thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it!