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Airplane

by racket


The sky was blue, a perfect clear blue. The few clouds were puffy and white, the sun a friendly yellow, the grass emerald green. Even the dreary grey sidewalk was pleasant as it supported Thomas’s thumping little feet. He looked up, traced a thin white line back across the sky to its source. He stumbled, the pavement grew closer, the cracks inches from his face. Impact; the world tumbled, rolled, flipped over. His vision span the little airplane across Thomas’s sight as he finally fell still, the grass tickling his arms. The pounding of feet greeted his ears as he watched the little airplane slowly right itself in its path across the sky. It had danced for him. He was watching it still, after his parents had stood him up, brushed him off, checked him over, and started him back towards the car.

“He’s bleeding…” his mother said, sounding oddly far off. His attention was still captured by the distant plane.

“He’s dazed; see how he’s staring?” his father replied, nodding towards his son. Thomas’s parents pushed him towards the car. Inside, he traced the airplane in the sky until it was long gone, his chubby cheek pressed against the window.

“Daddy, what’s that?” he asked dreamily.

“Hm? Oh, that’s an airplane, Tommy.” The little boy gazed out the window, tracking the airplane in his mind’s eye.

“Airplane…”

***

Three years later, the grass was still green, the sky blue, the sun a warm yellow, the clouds white. The pavement was greyer than before. An older Thomas lay in the grass in front of his house, head in hands, legs waving in the air. A large picture book was propped up before him. He was flipping through the pages slowly, images of cars, trucks, and trains occupying the pages. He turned yet another page, and was greeted by a friendly sight. An airplane. Thomas was delighted, he stopped flipping pages and read all the book had to say on the subject of aircraft. Of jets, of engines, of wings. Flying. When he had read all he could of airplanes in his book, he looked to the sky for one. Rolling over onto his back, he looked up. The sky was half filled with fluffy, mash-potato clouds, blue peeking out from behind the mounds. Sure enough, a little white airplane was making its way across the sky. He followed it with his eyes, dreaming up characters who would be riding it, imagining he knew every inch of that plane, that model. That he was pilot, that the airplane was breaking, only he could fix it!! Yes, he could fix it, no ma’m there was nothing to worry about, yes, he could fly this old thing and fix it at the same time. Nothing to worry about.

***

A few years later, Thomas’s love for airplanes had only increased. He read about them, created and solved problems for them, built models, researched, studied. He went to school, learned his math and science well so that he could one day work on and with his beloved aircraft. Thomas was obsessed. But even before he learned to deal with pimples, facial hair and girls, he learned to hide his love of aircraft. It wasn’t cool, it was childish, it was nerdy. It could not become public news if Thomas was to have any sort of social life. So he hid it as best he could, and focused much of his energy to acting normal. But he still studied, learned, built, and drew his airplanes when no one could see him, comment on this abnormal obsession of his. He occasionally even biked to the country, where the sky was a clear blue and the grass was an emerald green, where he could read, watch, and chase his airplanes as much and as long as he liked.

***

Years passed, and Thomas graduated high school, then college, received his master’s degree in engineering. He flew for the first time, and marveled the whole trip on how that specific plane had worked, how green the grass was from his window and how close the clouds were. Flying soon became routine for him, less special to him than it had been before. Thomas soon became known for his abilities with airplanes, and was shipped all over the world to fix and create. He married, had kids, had airplanes. He grew old, grew wiser. He was happy.

Thomas watched his kids grow, struggle through life, giving them help when he could. They gave him grandkids as he grew even older. He watched his skin grow thin, his veins stick out. He felt his face wrinkle, felt his body become frail. He was old, almost too old for his beloved airplanes.

On his final flight, he looked out the window and into the world beyond. The sky was a beautiful, clear blue, the sun a soft yellow, the clouds fluffy white. The grass far below was a healthy emerald green. And as Thomas flew his final flight, he wondered how many small children’s lives were being changed as they watched, wondered and chased this plane.


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Sun Jun 28, 2015 12:42 am
wickedlymuggle wrote a review...



Hi racket!
Great job! You have a good story here. I liked how you went from when he was really young to when he was really old throughout the course of the story. You had very smooth transitions. The only thing I had a problem with is the first section. I like how you had the continuing description of the grass and the clouds and all of that throughout the whole story, but the first sentence I thought was a run on. Instead of:

"The few clouds were puffy and white, the sun a friendly yellow, the grass an emerald green."

I think you should do:

"The few clouds were puffy and white, and the sun was friendly and yellow. The grass was emerald green, with tiny drops of dew on their tips."

I think your original sentence sounded good to me, there was just something about it that bugged me. After that, you talked about how he traced the airplane jet stream in his hand then he fell. At first it had to read it a couple of times to understand what was happening. Maybe you could add more description of what is happening in that sequence. I don't know if that is just me but I felt I should mention it. Finally, the parents. When did they come in? I did not know that Thomas's parents were walking behind them. I think you should mention it earlier in the writing. Anyways, I really like what you have done here, I honestly do. I think the idea was very sweet, and I liked how much of a dreamer Thomas was. If you write more like this in the future, you are in a good place! Hope this helped! :)




racket says...


Yes, it did! Thanks for the review!
~racket



MusicalTheaterGirl17 says...


Your welcome!



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Sun Jun 28, 2015 12:34 am
cleverclogs wrote a review...



Hello there! cleverclogs here for a Review Day review!

This story was very heartwarming. My mom also loves airplanes, and while she never became a pilot, she's always on the lookout for planes taking off or landing while we're driving by an airport. I like how you keep mentioning the environment outside Thomas's house, especially the green grass. It gives the story an almost fairytale-like quality. In terms of grammar, I didn't catch any mistakes there, so good job editing.

The first scene was my favorite, and I can tell you why: It had dialogue. The dialogue helps pull me in and make the story seem more like a story, rather than just a chunk of exposition. Unfortunately, the rest of the scenes were missing this important thing, and they did come off as a chunk of exposition. You could fix this by a) breaking up the big ol' intimidating paragraph and b) writing a scene that tells us all the things that the exposition did. Instead of telling us flat-out how Thomas found the picture book, write a scene with him finding it, and do the same for the "looking-to-the-sky" part. This will make it more interesting to us readers.

The last paragraph was very sweet. I love it. It brings back the grass, and the sentence about the children made me smile. That's how you end a story. :)

Looks like I lied about there being no grammar errors, because I just noticed one.

The sky was half filled with fluffy, mash-potato clouds, blue peeking out from behind the mounds.


"Half filled" should be hyphenated. Also, I don't know if this is just a dialect difference, but I've always said "mash-potato" as "mashed potato". :/ I don't think that one or the other is correct, though.

I liked your descriptions throughout the piece. They were vivid enough to paint a picture inside my head, but not so rambling that they became purple prose-y. Good job there. :)

Overall, this is a very sweet story filled with childlike wonder the whole way through, even as Thomas ages. Keep up the great work! :)




racket says...


Thanks for reviewing! Yeah, I'll work through this to get some more dialogue and less chunky info-paragraph stuff. Thank you!
~racket



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Sun Jun 28, 2015 12:23 am
Sonder wrote a review...



Hey little sis! A review, as promised. :) Happy Review Day.

So first off, this is a very cute idea. I liked how you started with one child's obsession over planes, and expanded it to become a passion for an adult and his career. What inspired this?

I personally think that the breaks with the asterisks were unneeded. At the beginning of each new section, you clearly stated what the time period was, and I felt that by losing them, the piece would look neater and not feel quite as choppy for the reader.
And because of this, yes, I did feel that this was pretty choppy to read. Although it is a short piece, the paragraphs are quite large, and I felt that they could be cut up for better absorption. I also think that there could be better transitions, instead of simply stating how many years later it took place. For example:

Nothing to worry about.
As Thomas grew into a young man, his love for airplanes had only increased.


See how I avoided pinpointing the years on it? It's up to you, but I just feel like it would flow better in general.

As for the story, I felt that the concept was very cute. I loved the beginning with the mention of his parents. However, I felt that it could have been expanded upon. How did his parents support him as he grew? Did the meeting of his wife have anything to do with his beloved aircraft? I felt that in the first section you did such a great job with the detail, but as it went on, it became more of a timeline, more like telling facts. Add more details between the lines, make it more personal. It's such a cute idea, and I think you're almost there. :)

The ending was also really lovely. I liked how it made a full circle from when he was a child to then looking down on other children. It was a nice, calm close to the story.

Finally, some specific sentences that I feel could be improved. :)

His vision span the little airplane across Thomas’s sight as he finally fell still

This sentence really confused me. Was it a typo? What were you trying to get across here?

He followed it with his eyes, dreaming up characters who would be riding it, imagining he knew every inch of that plane, that model. That he was pilot, that the airplane was breaking, only he could fix it!! Yes, he could fix it, no ma’m there was nothing to worry about, yes, he could fly this old thing and fix it at the same time. Nothing to worry about.

This whole section was very choppy to me. There was an excessive use of commas, which,if used well, can be endearing, as I felt with the beginning of this piece. However, here, it started to take away from the product. And while I really really loved the "No ma'am" (it's ma'am btw) and inner dialogue, I also think that you should cut the into a different paragraph and put it in italics, to show that it is his thoughts. To me, while I loved it, I also had to reread it a bit because it confused me as to whether it was narration or thoughts. :)

He married, had kids, had airplanes.

Haha, to me, this sentence sounded like he had produced airplanes as he had children. XD Perhaps reword it to be more clear?

So, overall, I felt that this was a very cute concept, a cute character, but that it could also be improved to make it a smoother read. Keep writing, have hope, and you will certainly improve, lovely! :) If you have any other questions, just ask.

Keep writing and being amazing! Happy Review Day!

~Night




racket says...


Thanks! Yeah, the idea was so clear, but I couldn't get it out very well. I'll try to make it better! I was reading a book, and they were watching airplanes and then I started thinking about how cute it would be to have a toddler be watching an airplane and not know what it was. And then when he grew up, he'd look down and try to see the little kids on the ground running after his airplane. So yeah, it cam from a book. Thanks for the review!
~racket



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Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:55 pm
ChocolateCello wrote a review...



Hey! Okay, so I'm not the best with reviews but...

First off, your transitions between the different times were really good. It all flowed smoothly and tied together well.

Second, you had just the right amount of detail in your descriptions. It wasn't too much or too little. So yeah, good job on that.

I would, however, suggest you add a little more description on how he felt when he first got to fly. He had been excited for that experience his entire life and you described it all in one sentence. Also, in the first part, I'd like to mention a small flaw with the set up. You say "...he traced the airplane in the sky until it was long gone" then follow with Thomas asking his father "'Daddy, what's that?'". The dad responds, telling him it's an airplane, though it had just stated that the airplane was out of their sight. Now, the father could've very easily been watching the plane but with the wording ("'Hm? Oh, that's an airplane, Tommy.'") it makes it seem like he wasn't paying attention.

Overall though, I loved the story!




racket says...


Thank you! Yeah, I was struggling a bit at that part. I'll try to fix it. Thanks!




Be careful or be roadkill.
— Calvin