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There Was a Girl...

by racket

Once upon a time

There was a girl

About the age of a middle schooler.


She had problems.

Everyone does, really.


She had friends.

Not everyone had those.


She didn’t particularly like herself.

That was perfectly normal.


She preferred to be surrounded by others,

But she liked herself best when she was alone.


She measured herself accordingly from others’ standards.

That was an average habit.


She didn’t want to fit in.

That made her strange.


But she was too scared as to what other people would think if she went off alone,

Which she often did anyways.


She was fairly smart.

Nothing too special, though.


Her hair never made up its mind on what color it was.


She had a distinct style different than any of the other kids.


Her friends had their own unique styles as well.


Everyone was kind of her friend,

Though only a few chosen ones hung out with her regularly.


She was artsy,



And competitive

All mixed in one.


All these little traits mashed together

Making her the kind of person everyone saw

As well as the one most people didn’t.


She was a mix of everything described

So that at least one of her many side shone through at all times,

Often jumbled together.


She was a mystery to others.

Any who tried to figure her out

Immediately confused themselves

And were forced to ask themselves

‘Why am I trying to label that?’


She was undefinable.





Almost all her sides shown out to all.


And that’s what made her most likeable.

Is this a review?



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245 Reviews

Points: 192
Reviews: 245

Sun Jun 28, 2015 12:56 am
ChocolateCello wrote a review...

Hey! This was amazing!

I loved how you managed to be vague and still very direct. (That's not quite the wording I'm looking for but...) Everything was described wonderfully. So, I'm personally not the best with tenses but you're writing in past tense and once or twice you changed to present tense.

She had problems.
Everyone does, really.
She had friends.
Not everyone had those.

On the first part you used "Does" Instead of "Did"
Now, this is fine. And you could keep this but you would have to be consistent so in the second part you would need to say "Has" instead of "had".
Maybe get a second opinion on this because tenses used to be my weak spot and I'm still working on them a bit.

Anyways, loved the poem.

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58 Reviews

Points: 4569
Reviews: 58

Sat Jan 10, 2015 10:13 pm
jessiethought wrote a review...

Hey, this is a pretty cool poem. You described the girl really well, and I can relate super well. :) I do have a few suggestions for you, though.

First of all, the title is pretty drab. It doesn't have much zing to it, not much that's super inviting to a potential reader. So maybe think of something that would describe the person or the poem better?

Second, the first stanza doesn't particularly stand out. "Once upon a time" is a little of a dry opener, and I think that the lines "There was a kid/about the age of a middle schooler" could be condensed and improved. "There was" (in any kind of writing) is usually a boring way to begin a sentence. "About the age of" is kind of clunky-sounding to me, if you know what I mean, and I think rewording that might be a good idea.

And competitive
All mixed in one

Here, there's a period missing at the end of the stanza.

Almost all her sides shown out to all

Did you mean "shone," the past tense of "to shine"? Or did you mean the verb "to show"? If you meant "to show," this sentence is a little awkward, and I'd probably change it to something like, "Everyone saw almost all her sides" or "She showed almost all her sides to everyone."

Your description is super detailed, and I can tell you must be an observant and perceptive person. Keep it up!

The overarching, major thing I would recommend for this poem, or for other poems in the future, is to have more concrete images and fewer abstract descriptions.

This is similar to the adage we writers often hear: "show, don't tell." There's a place for showing and a place for telling, of course--there's a balance and purpose behind each that every writer has to consider. This poem seems to have a lot of telling and not much showing.

For example, instead of just telling us she has problems, and friends, and that she's kind of smart, and she's different--is there a specific moment you could use to reveal all these things about the girl? (I know this is meant to be a portrait of one or a few people you know, but you wouldn't have to use something real that happened to do this.)

This suggestion is more something to keep in mind as you write future poems than something to change in this poem now. The telling is a little too much in this poem, but that's okay. Your poem is good! I look forward to hearing more from you in the future!

~ jessiethought ~

racket says...

Man, you're good at reviewing! Thank you so much! This is really helpful, and I'll start working on the things you pointed out right away. Thanks for reviewing!

jessiethought says...

No problem! :)

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16 Reviews

Points: 382
Reviews: 16

Sat Jan 10, 2015 12:45 pm
silverlady99 wrote a review...


Just one thing I'd like to point out.

"Everyone was kind of her friend,

Though only a few chosens hung out with her regularly."

"chosens" isn't actually a word....so i think you could have written "chosen ones" instead of that.

The rest was perfect. xD
I REALLY liked the way you described her... different, unique,artsy,smart,etc.
She's weird, she's a mystery.. she's "undefinable" ... That's just SOOO amazing xD

It's a really good and delightful poem.
Keep up the good work. xD

racket says...

Thank you!! That's really nice of you... I haven't written anything for a while 'cause I haven't got so great reviews as those from you and Tay01, so thanks! I will change that one part, and I'm glad you liked it!

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57 Reviews

Points: 1298
Reviews: 57

Sat Jan 10, 2015 8:33 am
Tay01 wrote a review...

Well, this is great. I really liked this. Poems are fun and easy to review, in my opinion. Thank you.

Well, this girl is strange. She is weird, she is wrong, she is different. Who are you actually trying to describe? Well, she was special. So I do not know how to describe her as she was undefinable.

This poem is nice. may you ever describe the name? Whatever. Never mind that. Your poem was good, though.


racket says...

Thanks for the review! I meant for it to be kinda vague, as this description fits a couple people I know, and I'm sure there's others like her out there, even if they're hiding it. So, yeah! I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for reviewing!

“And how shall I think of you?' He considered a moment and then laughed. 'Think of me with my nose in a book!”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell