E - Everyone

Prince Derek and the Road to Nothyng ~ Chapters 1-7 EDITED

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Author's note: I edited this version but the other ones that I have are not edited. This is the best version to read :D Thanks.

Prince Derek and the Road to Nothyng

Chapter One

It was late May and the sun was still shining bright, even though it was late. As Derek walked to the dining room, he looked at the paintings on the walls. His castle had become dull and boring through all the years that he had lived there.

When he entered the private dining room, he greeted his parents. Derek’s father, Roland Nixon, and his mother, Arabella, were both seated at the table. His father said nothing as Derek sat down. He only motioned for the food to be brought in from the kitchen. As usual, their private dinner consisted of a platter of meat, some green vegetables, and a goblet of fruit juice. As Derek ate, his mother rested her silverware on the table and turned to him.

“Derek, darling, how was your day?” She asked in her soft voice. She was sitting up straight as a board. Always proper, Derek thought. He turned to her and smiled.

“It was fine, mother.” He said. He glanced down at his plate of food and his mother looked at him as if she knew he wasn’t being fully honest. “Well, it was lonely, but that isn’t really a problem…” He looked his mother in the eye and flashed a smile. She nodded and began to eat once again. He had been trying to get them to buy him a dog for a while now. But his father didn’t think he could take care of it.

Later in the meal she turned to Derek. “I have an idea.” She said to him, “You have a cousin who lives in a small town called Nothyng. It’s only twelve miles from here. Her name is Sierra. We could have her come and visit for the summer.”It wasn’t a dog, but the idea was compelling. He had met Sierra once before when he was six. She had only been two at the time. He wondered if she still had the blonde curls that had framed her face when she was a baby.

“I wouldn’t mind the company.” Derek said. “Maybe I could go and pick her up tomorrow.” Derek’s suggestion didn’t go unnoticed by his father, who rarely spoke to him. Roland stood up and walked over to his son.

“I don’t think that is such a wise idea, my boy.” Roland’s voice naturally boomed in the large room. It was a gentle command, but it was fa r from quiet. He placed his hand on Derek’s shoulder.

“It wouldn’t be a big deal, father. Mother could write me a note and I could give it to her sister.” Derek suggested, gesturing to his mother. Arabella nodded. She stood up quickly.

“Arabella, we can’t ask your sister to allow her only child to visit. We haven’t had anything to do with her in years.” Roland insisted. Arabella looked disappointed and sat back down.

“Roland, I’m sure that she will accept our offer. In a recent letter she sent to me, she mentioned that she had taken ill. With some persuading, she will let Sierra go with Derek.”

“We can try, especially if she has taken ill. But do not be surprised if Derek returns alone.” Roland said, “Derek, pay attention in Nothyng. I will want to know if they are in need of any supplies.”

“Then it is decided. Tomorrow morning Derek will go visit my sister, Lucy.” She walked from the room, only pausing to place a kiss on Roland’s cheek. Roland sighed loudly as she left. Derek shrugged as his gaze met his father’s. A smile formed once he left the dining room. He ran to his mother’s study, where she was sealing the letter with wax.

“Do you think you will be able to get to Sierra’s by sundown tomorrow?” Arabella asked. Derek leaned on his mother’s desk.

“It won’t be a problem.” He said as he grabbed the letter from his mother’s hand. As he made his way down the corridor he stopped a servant headed towards the kitchen. “Would you make sure that extra deer jerky is placed in my pack for tomorrow?” He asked her politely. She nodded and scurried away worried she would be punished for talking to the prince.

Derek walked to the security of his room. The reports were still sitting on his desk, practically begging to be finished. He sat down at the desk to finish them, but soon fell asleep, his head resting on the reports.

Chapter Two

Derek stood up from his desk at dawn. His back and neck were stiffer than boards of wood. He stretched slowly and moved to his wardrobe. He pulled out a set of brown riding clothes and leather boots. He slipped the letter into his shirt and covered it with a vest. When he was dressed he went to his parent’s suite and knocked quietly on the door. His father opened it and stared down at him.

“Well, son, it seems that you are ready to leave.” His father said. No emotion showed in his voice. Derek smiled proudly at his father.

“Yes, Father.” He said. Arabella walked to the doorway, graceful as usual. She placed her hands on Derek’s cheeks and smiled sadly.

“You grew up too fast.” She said, “Be careful on your journey. Don’t forget the letter.” Arabella placed a kiss on Derek’s forehead and retreated back into her suite. Derek turned on his heel and walked down to the kitchen. The servants hurried to finish what they were doing and some of them left. An elderly woman grabbed a sack from off the counter and gently placed in in Derek’s hand. He opened it and inspected its contents. There were apples, lots of deer jerky, and a canteen of water inside. HE grabbed a loaf of bread and ripped it in half. The young woman who had made it scowled as she grabbed one half of it. Derek wrapped the other half and placed it in the pack.

“Thank you.” He said to the servants, and he walked out to the stables. Keagan, the prince’s black stallion, was standing in his stall. He looked at the horse and opened the stall. The horse immediately walked out of the small box and out into the courtyard. Derek flung a saddle onto his back and slipped the bridle on. With his horse ready, Derek turned to a guard standing by the stables.

“Fetch me my sword, if you would.” He said to the man. The guard nodded and walked towards the fencing shed where Derek kept his sword. When he returned, Derek pulled the sword from its sheath and twirled it around. He was quite good with a sword at that point and had won many duels with the guards. The hilt of the sword was gold with emeralds placed in a small pattern. Derek always took time to admire the fine craftsmanship of the sword.

“Tell my parents that I have begun my journey.” Derek commanded. He mounted the horse and clicked his tongue as he snapped the reigns, making the horse move forward. Keagan’s strong body moved rapidly through the castle grounds and into the village surrounding the castle. Millersville was a large village where many men came to sell the wheat from the mills, hence the name Millersville.

As Derek travelled through the square of the village, many people yelled out. “Look! Crown Prince Derek has come to the village!” one man cried. Many people cheered and Derek waved to them as he moved through. He could feel his cheeks and ears redden because of his common appearance. He quickly departed from them and made his way into the woods. As soon as he reached the forest’s edge he slowed Keagan to a mild walk. The trail moved along slowly, and Derek caught sight of many deer and rabbits. I need to hunt here in the future, He thought.

He came to river soon after midday and stopped Keagan. He tied Keagan’s reigns to a nearby tree and sat on a rock at the edge of the river bank. He tossed rocks into the water, sometimes making them skip three or four times. He could see the fish swimming slowly in the cool waters. Derek took the bread from his pack and threw small pieces into the water, watching as the fish raced to eat the treat. Derek ripped a portion of the bread off and stuck it in his mouth. The sun was slowly moving across the sky, and Derek knew that he would have to hurry to get to Nothyng on time.

Chapter Three

As Derek rode along the path to Nothyng, he knew he was getting close. He was even ahead of schedule. He could almost see the edge of the town. It was three hours past noonday when the town came into sight. It looked like a normal village full of commoners. But Derek smelled smoke. It was a strange sensation, considering that he was still a ways away from the town. Something wasn’t right and he could tell.

Suddenly a scream pierced through the air and Derek kicked his horse forward into a gallop. As he reached the town he saw large towers of smoke rising from several directions. The village was in chaos and there were people running all around. Derek grabbed the collar of a boy a few years older than he was.

“What’s going on here?” He demanded, his voice sounding like his father’s. Derek’s eyes fluttered about, looking at the village. There were several buildings that were blazing with fire.

“Bandits,” The boy coughed, “Bandits from the forest. They’re pillaging the town, setting fire to everything.” The boy coughed again and ran off before Derek could ask another question. Another scream escaped from a woman in the distance. Derek urged Keagan forward and ran around the corner of a shop. There were two bandits backing a young woman and a baby into a corner. The men were large and could easily hurt her and the child. Derek charged forward pushing past the rough looking men and drawing his sword. “How dare you attack an innocent woman!” Derek yelled. The men grunted and drew their swords as well.

As the battle began, Derek could tell that he was better than both of the men, but not combined. He kicked one man in the chest, knocking him to the ground as he took shot after shot at the other bandit with his sword. The woman clung to her child and ran around the battle. Derek saw her escape to the square and smiled.

As he continued to clash his sword with the men’s, Keagan reared back. Derek nearly fell, putting him off balance. One of the men used the time to grab his shirt collar and pull him from Keagan’s back. Derek tumbled to the ground and lost grip of his sword. He scrambled on his hands and knees to retrieve it, but one of the men kicked it underneath Keagan.

“Now, boys,” Derek said, his voice shaking, “I’m going to give you the chance now to surrender. Then we can pretend that this incident never happened.” The two men sneered and continued walking forward. Derek saw his sword out of the corner of his eye. He leapt to the side and rolled underneath Keagan, grabbing his sword as he passed underneath the bulky horse.

Derek was out of breath. He held his sword high. “Last chance,” he warned the bandits. He jumped over Keagan and landed in front of the men. He wasted no time and immediately began fighting once again. He lunged at one of the men and swiped his sword across his chest. The bandit yelled out, sounding more like a growl than a cry. Derek knew that the wound wouldn’t be fatal, but it would be hard for the man to continue fighting. Derek focused on attacking the other man, frustrated that he was bigger than his companion.

“Back down, child.” The bandit growled. Derek didn’t respond. He just smiled and took a swipe at the bandit. But he was too quick and ducked just in time. Derek was surprised and in the moment of his confusion, the bandit let his sword fly. The sword caught Derek’s forearm and the prince cried out. Luckily the bandit hadn’t hit Derek’s fighting arm, and Derek sneered as he sliced through the air with his sword. It caught him across the cheek, reaching down to his jaw and up past his eyebrow. The sword had caught near the man’s eye. Derek prayed that it hadn’t caused the man to go blind.

He let his hand fly to his face and Derek used that moment to slip the tip of his sword underneath the hilt of the bandit’s. He flicked up and the sword flew into the air. The sword clattered to the ground twenty feet from the man. Derek ran to retrieve it. By the time he had turned back to the bandits with both swords, they were gone. Drops of blood stained the cobblestone road. Derek put his sword back in the sheath and tossed the other one into the gutter. It was clear that the group of bandit’s had retreated during Derek’s battle. Derek sighed and looked at his arm. The cut was long, but shallow. It was bleeding terribly, though. He tore a length of his undershirt off and wrapped it tightly around the wound.

“Excuse me, boy.My name is Blythe… You… umm…” A soft voice said. Derek turned to see the young woman that the bandits had been attacking. He walked towards her.

“Are you alright, ma’am?” He asked her, without letting her finish her sentence. . She was several inches taller than he was, so Derek had to look up to talk to her.

“Yes, I am. Thanks to you. Might I ask who you are?” She said. She was still holding her child tightly.

“Derek Andre Nixon, prince of Pryholt.” He said with a showy bow. He looked up and saw the shock on her face. She curtsied as best she could while holding a child.

“I owe you my life, Prince Derek. Is there anything I can possibly do for you?” She asked still bowing.

“You don’t need to bow to me. And yes. Could you point me in the direction of Lucy Cornwell’s home?” He asked her. The lady rose and smiled.

Chapter Four

Derek stared at the small cottage that Blythe had led him to. Derek stared at it for a long time, knowing that his castle had rooms bigger than the entire cottage. He suddenly felt ashamed for what he took for granted. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. He heard Keagan snort from behind him as if the horse was telling him to go in. Derek walked forward. He felt for the letter in his shirt and pulled it out. He knocked on the door. No one answered at first. He knocked louder than before. It took several minutes, but finally the door creaked open.

A small woman stood at the door. She had a shawl wrapped around her shoulders. Her hair was a dark shade of brown, with gray streaking it on the sides. The woman looked sickly and tired. Derek felt a twinge of guilt for making the woman get up when she was so ill.

“Hello,” Derek said awkwardly. The woman smiled and nodded at him. She couldn’t have been more than forty, and yet she was hobbling around like an old woman.

“How can I help you?” She asked between ragged breaths. Derek hesitated before He held out the letter to her. He tried his best to keep his hands from shaking, but they did anyway.

“My mother, Arabella, wanted to me to give you this.” Derek said. The woman took the letter and smiled kindly. She didn’t open it.

“You must be Derek, then. It has been such a long time. Such a long time…” She muttered bitterly. “My how you’ve grown.” She lifted the letter and opened it slowly. She stared at the letter, her eyes tracing the words on the page. She looked up and glared at Derek.

“My… um… mother said that… um…” Derek searched for the words, but the woman’s accusing stare caused his mouth to go dry and he couldn’t think. Derek was confused as the woman pushed him backwards.

“Get out of my house Prince Derek. How outrageous. Arabella thinks that she can ignore her only sister for years and then get away with a proposal like this.” Lucy rambled angrily. “Tell the Queen that if she wanted to have my daughter visit, she should have been a better sister!” She pushed Derek out the door as she spoke and then slammed the door in his face. Derek turned around, puzzled and upset. Had he done something wrong? No. Lucy made it quite clear that she was mad at Arabella, not him. Or she could be mad at both of us, Derek thought.

“What am I going to tell mother?” Derek asked the emptiness around him. He spun around in a circle and sighed. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a figure. He turned to face the person and was surprised to see a young girl with golden curls that hung loosely down her back. She held a wooden bucket in her hand. Derek assumed it was water from a nearby well.

“Hello.” Derek said. The girl said nothing, but she walked past him and put the bucket next to the closed door. She walked back to Derek standing only a few inches from him. Derek swallowed as he met her intense gaze.

“You must be Prince Derek.” She said without replying to his greeting. She then turned and started walking back to the house.

“How did you know that?” Derek asked her. She spun around, flipping her curls over her shoulders. She smiled and sat on a nearby log. Her green dress blended with the nature surrounding the cottage. Derek stood still and waited for her to answer.

“News travels quickly in this village. Prince Derek battled two bandits. He saved Blythe Smith and her baby. Then he wanted to know where Lucy Cornwell lived.” She said, never breaking eye contact with Derek.

“Well, at least they were accurate.” Derek said. The girl stared at him for what seemed like a long time.

“What would Prince Derek want with my mother?” She asked coldly, her friendly appearance transforming into an angry one. Derek swallowed nervously. You’re the prince, He thought, act like it.

“You must be Sierra then.” Derek said, becoming confident.

“Of course I am.” She said, “Now answer my question.” Derek stared at her coldly. He admired her bluntness, but hated that she was being so rude to someone she had barely met.

“She’s my aunt.” He said.

“What?” Sierra said, taken completely aback.

“Lucy has a sister. Her name is Arabella, the Queen.” Derek said, “Who happens to be my mother.”

Chapter Five

Derek stood staring at Sierra as she ranted about how she had been wronged for not knowing she was related to royalty.

“Wait.” Sierra paused from her current rant, “Why would you come here?” She turned abruptly to stare at Derek. He ran his hand through his hair again and sighed.

“Actually…” Derek admitted, “I came to get you.” Sierra stared at him as if he was crazy.

“What?” She said. Her brow furrowed into a look of confusion and disbelief. Derek felt himself blush and cleared his throat.

“My mother and I thought you would enjoy a trip to the castle. Lucy was a bit opposed to the idea.” Derek said slowly. Sierra stared at him for a moment, processing what he had just told her. Then she shrieked. Derek jumped back in surprise.

“Really?” She cried in delight, “I can’t believe it! I get to go to the castle. But what would mother say?”

“She made her point quite clear.” Derek chuckled. He ran his hand through his hair again. He turned around and mounted Keagan. “If you can convince your mother, come and find me. I’m going to go find out about the bandits.” He clicked and Keagan walked forward. Sierra ran after him.

“No wait! Derek! Don’t leave! I won’t be able to convince her by myself.” Sierra called. Derek turned back around. She ran to the side of his horse and lifted her hands so she looked like she was begging. “Please.” Her blue eyes were wide and sincere. Derek sighed.

“Talk to your mother. I will be back soon. I am going to ask about the bandits and maybe I will grab a gift for your mother.” Derek clicked again and urged Keagan into a run. He reached the town in minutes. There was still the lingering scent of smoke in the village and Derek saw all of the charred buildings had been abandoned. He made a mental note to tell his father of the problems in the village. Derek tied Keagan’s reigns to a nearby tree and walked to a market in the middle of the square.

“Excuse me, boy,” an ugly woman with grey hair said, “You are in the way.” She sneered at him and walked towards the booth next to Derek. He stared after her as she walked away. Why are people so angry all the time? Derek thought. He walked to a booth that was selling a variety of fruits.

“I would like five pears and seven apples. “ Derek said to the man selling them. He looked at Derek in disgust.

“Get outta here, boy. If you can’t pay, you can’t have the fruit.” He growled.

“But I can pay!” Derek insisted. He pulled out a handful of coins from a bag tied at his waist.

“Stolen coins from a Noble, no doubt.” The man barked. He grabbed Derek’s arm and pulled him into the middle of the street. “Guards, we have a thief here!” Derek struggled to pull away from him. As his arm was freed from the man’s painful grasp he stood up straight. He huffed out a breath and used his best commanding voice.

“I command you to stop!” Derek ordered. The men around him laughed. “By order of Prince Derek Andre Nixon, I command you kneel before me.” Derek pulled out his sword. “If you beg my forgiveness I will let you walk home unscathed.” The guards walked closer to Derek and held their own swords ready. Derek looked at each one. There were five guards. One of them Derek recognized immediately.

“John Press.” Derek addressed him, “Don’t you remember who I am?” The man stared at Derek. John Press had been stationed at the castle until six months earlier. He had been posted near the stables and had often battled Derek with a sword.

“You look like Prince Derek, but he would never leave the castle grounds.” John said. He walked closer to Derek and held his sword high. “The prince would never wear such common clothes, either.” Derek sighed and ran his hands through his short hair, again.

“Alright,” Derek said, an idea forming, “Have your other men stand down. We will have a duel. If I am to understand, no one has ever beaten you except for the prince.” It was true. Prince Derek had ruined John’s record of no defeats. John nodded and his men stood back. Derek lifted his sword and the duel began. It was harder than the last time Derek and John had dueled. It was obvious that he had been practicing, probably on some bandits. He lunged at Derek and caught his already injured arm. Derek cried out and noticed fresh blood pouring from the wound. Derek’s eyes narrowed and he fought harder than he had in his other previous duels. But John wasn’t weakening. If anything he kept pushing harder. Sweat poured down Derek’s face. As they battled, Derek spoke.

“You were stationed at the castle six months ago. You had gathered all of the other guards one night and had duel after duel. I showed up and challenged you. You were purposely making it easy on me, and I could tell. After about three minutes, I dropped my sword on the ground and yelled at you for taking it easy on me.” Derek said. John’s eyes widened for a moment, but they then narrowed.

“How did you know that?” John demanded. They fought harder and Derek pushed with all his might against John’s sword.

“I told you! I am Prince Derek!” Derek yelled at him. Suddenly a horse came bounding into the square. Lucy jumped off of the horse and ran to the fight.

“Stop! STOP!” She yelled, “He’s telling the truth!”

Chapter Six

“Aunt Lucy!” Derek cried. John had lowered his sword and turned towards Derek. He looked puzzled for a moment, then surprised, and then humbled. He went to one knee and bowed down.

“Prince Derek, I beg your forgiveness. I didn’t realize… I thought you were… I… I…” John ranted, his eyes filled with fear. Derek stared at the man. He shook his head.

“Let’s never speak of this again.” Derek said, “And let’s hope that the cut you gave me doesn’t scar.” Derek walked to Lucy and stared at her in silence. She placed a hand on his cheek and then grabbed his arm. She studied the wound for a long moment.

“Come back to my cottage, Derek.” She said. She turned and mounted her horse, and immediately rode into the forest, towards her modest home. Derek followed, riding Keagan slowly. The blood soaked cloth on Derek’s arm stuck around the wound. Derek entered the yard in front of the cottage and Sierra ran out of the house.

“Derek!” She yelled, “Are you alright?” She ran to his side and helped him off of his horse. She inspected his arm and gasp at the sight of so much blood. “We need to clean this.” She dragged him inside and made him sit on the only chair in the front room. She rushed into the small kitchen and returned with a bottle of clear fluid and a rag.

“Do you think that this will help?” Derek asked. Sierra nodded firmly and poured the fluid on the rag. Derek stared at the rag in her hand as she rolled up his blood soaked sleeve just enough to reveal the wound. Her hand shook as she lifted the rag. As she placed it gently on the cut, Derek yelled out in pain. Sierra winced as he did.

“Sorry.” She whispered.

“It’s fine. Please, finish.” Derek insisted. His let his teeth grind against each other as she rubbed the rag across the long wound. He breathed deeply, but they came out more as gasps rather than ordinary breaths.

“I think we are finished, now.” Sierra finally said. Derek relaxed as the sharp stings finally eased. Sierra pulled out a length of fabric and tightly wrapped it on Derek’s arm.

“Thanks, Sierra.” Derek said. He looked up and saw Lucy standing in the doorway. She walked over to Derek and stared at him. She stared at him in silence for what seemed like a long time.

“Why didn’t the guard recognize you?” She asked.

“It has been a while.” Derek said, “I was shorter six months ago and my hair was shorter. I was pale.” Derek explained all of the things that might have changed in six months. Lucy said nothing as he spoke. She seemed a lot more relaxed than she had been earlier. She looked weak from sickness though.

“That guard was ridiculous.” She muttered.

“Why did you follow me?” Derek said.

“If I know my sister, she wouldn’t have let you leave without more than enough money. I knew that you could never explain having that much.” She spoke slowly. Her head was bent down to look Derek right in the eye. It was the same look that his mother gave him when something was very serious. “Derek, may I speak with you outside please?” She walked out the door. Derek stood and followed her.

“Yes, Aunt Lucy?” Derek stood with his back against the door. Lucy paced across the dirt path leading to the house.

“Derek, I don’t think I can hide this much longer. I have been ill for a long time and I am only getting worse.” She paused for a moment, “I know that this is a lot to place on a twelve year old. I couldn’t bear to place this burden on my daughter. I need to keep her away until I recover.” She paused again, worry was evident on her face.

“What do you want me to do?” Derek asked, taken aback by the sudden news.

“Can you guarantee that Sierra will always have a home at the castle with your family?” She walked right up to Derek and grabbed his shoulders, “Can you Derek?”

“Of course. She will always be welcome.” Derek insisted. Lucy melted into Derek’s arms and sobbed fiercely. After she had calmed down, she stood up straight and sighed.

“Thank you, Derek.” She said.

“Do you want me to take Sierra now?”

“Yes. That would be best.” Lucy whispered, “Then she won’t be in danger any longer. If she got sick I do not know what would happen.”

“What made you change your mind?” Derek asked. Lucy stared at him and offered a slight smile.

“Anyone who can take on a man twice his size and almost win can take care of my daughter.” Lucy said with a smile. Derek chuckled.

“I assure you she will be safe while we travel to the castle.” Derek said.

Chapter Seven

“Sierra, do you want to go to the castle?” Lucy asked her daughter as they stood in the front room.

“Oh, yes mother. I would love to visit the castle.” Sierra said happily. Lucy smiled sadly.

“Then you must go with Derek.” She sighed. Lucy looked at Derek and then back to Sierra. “You will stay with him until I recover from my illness.”

“When will we be leaving?” Sierra asked.

“We must leave tomorrow at dawn.” Derek said.

“That is barely enough time to pack.” Sierra complained, “How am I going to be ready on time?”

“Everything will be provided at the castle.” Derek replied, “You don’t have to bring anything.” Sierra nodded. She walked into the kitchen and prepared a light stew with carrots and potatoes. She was silent for a long time. After dinner, Derek walked outside to give Sierra and her mother time to say goodbye. They wouldn’t have much time in the morning. He looked in the window and saw Sierra fall into her mother’s arms.Derek sighed.

“Keagan,” Derek called. He clicked and the horse walked from where he was grazing over to Derek. Derek didn’t bother to put on a saddle; he just jumped on and grabbed the horse’s mane. He kicked the horse and let him run into the nearby woods. There was no path and the run was hard. There were several times that Keagan jumped over a bush or fallen tree. The sun was beginning to set and Derek slowed the horse to a stop. He was facing west, and the sun was shining directly in his eyes. He heard a branch snap in the distance. His head whipped in the direction of the sound. Without warning, an arrow shot through the woods and planted itself into a tree only a foot from where Derek was. He reached out and grabbed the arrow. A piece of paper was rolled around the arrow and tied with a string. As Derek unraveled it, his heart began to pound.

It read:

Prince Derek,

The woods can be a dangerous place.

You never should have left your castle.

We will make you pay for what you

have done to us.

Derek breathed in deeply. He kicked Keagan and turned the horse around. He didn’t let his horse slow until they had returned to the cottage. Sierra was sitting alone on a log, staring into the woods.

“Sierra,” Derek warned. His tone was more serious than it had ever been with her, “You need to go inside the house. Don’t leave it unless I am with you, alright?” He stared at her, his eyes full of panic.

“Alright,” She was obviously confused, “What’s wrong?” Derek said nothing. He lifted her to her feet and led her inside the house. He shut the door firmly and slid a chair in front of it. He slid a chair from the kitchen into the front room and sat down. He grabbed his sword and laid it across his knees. He pulled out a small throwing knife that he kept in his boot for fun, grateful that he had been cautious and brought it. He began sharpening it on a rock. The sun had set long ago, yet Derek still sat in the chair. He fell asleep with his sword in his hand.

Morning came all too soon and Derek woke up sore and stiff. As he stretched, Sierra grabbed some fruit, cheese, and bread and put it in a basket. Derek grabbed his sword and attached it to his belt. His knife returned to his boot and Derek walked outside. He threw a saddle on Keagan quickly and returned to the house.

‘Sierra, we really must go.” Derek said. He planned on taking an alternate path back to the castle. It added two miles to the trip, but kept them out of the woods. It would take them nearly all day to get to the castle. Sierra turned to her mother and threw her arms around her.

“Goodbye mother!” She cried. They stood in an embrace for a moment and Lucy finally let go.

“Goodbye, my dear. I am sure that you will have a wonderful time at the castle.” Lucy turned to Derek and held out a piece of paper. “Please give this to my sister. I know that she never had a lot of time, being the Queen and all… I just wanted to apologize to her.” Derek took the letter and slid it into his vest, as he had with the other letter. Derek outstretched his hand.

“Thank you for letting me take Sierra to the castle” Derek said, “I will bring her back soon.”

“Take care of her, Derek.” Lucy said, “I will write you when I am healed.” Derek nodded with a smile and mounted Keagan. He pulled Sierra up by the hand and she wrapped her arms around his waist.

“Goodbye, Lucy. We will see you soon.” Derek said. As the rode off, Sierra looked back to see her mother waving.

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SpiritedWolfe
Review

Hey, Rachel! Since you've got seven chapters all rolled into one here (and I don't know if this is the 'end-end' or not), I'll just take it slow and review each part one at a time.

But beforehand, I'm sure someone has told you to be careful and split your chapters up one by one or into smaller chunks. Now, I also understand why you'd post it all in one if you wanted someone to read straight through without some confusion, but if this isn't the end, that defeats the purpose. So keep that in mind if you want some more in depth reviews coming your way ;)

(One last thing before I begin, I may repeat some stuff mentioned previously, but then you'll know it's all the more important.)



Chapter 1

The introduction doesn't seem very strong. Why do we care that it's May and that it's light out at this particular moment. Derek isn't outside, so weather doesn't matter to us at this point, and you can always mention it when it does. It doesn't even really help to set the mood. It's just there. Even looking at the two sentences after that, the time of year doesn't correlate at all. So, perhaps work on connecting your thoughts together better and look for ways to set the tone and overall mood of the story that are relevant to what's happening plot-wise.

A little farther into the scene, a lot more telling starts to come around. For instance, when Derek's father first says something, there is a note which states that he does not talk to Derek much, but that can really easily be implied if throughout the entire meal his father disregards him. Or after the thought, he just goes back to his plate in silence. Those little details are really easily integrated into the story.

(Totally random thing, but how come Derek's father would walk over to him to speak to him? In the beginning, perhaps set up the scene better and show where everyone sits at the table. That perhaps his father is too far away to speak normally? But then there is something about his voice booming in the room which sort of defeats the purpose of him walking over.)

Another quick thing to note is, even thought this is aimed for a younger audience, sometimes you might want to refrain from using lots of adverbs. It's not too prominent an issue, but this site is a really good source for pointing them out so you can replace them with stronger vocabulary. Even if not in this piece, then in general.

One really small thing that I noticed towards the very end of said chapter was a slight perspective change. Since this is of course focused on Derek, and he spoke with the servant girl, it switched in one line to how the servant girl felt as she rushed away. Now, it's sort of interesting as to why she'd be in trouble, but that's not the point I'm trying to make. I'm saying that it swaps from focusing on Derek to then this girl, even for just those couple of words. Be careful, because the narrator should be the only thoughts focused on, because Derek wouldn't know how she felt. He can only assume.

Overall, that chapter sort of left me with a 'so what' feel. The conversation in the middle was pretty informative, but it never really left me with a sure reason as to why I should keep reading. It wasn't really gripping and seemed just of a normal guy going to see his cousin. Obviously there's more to happen. Maybe try to throw in some foreshadowing of the action in the future.



Chapter 2

Right off the bat there's a lot of just telling here, talking about how Derek gets dressed and goes into his parents room. Now, this kind of telling can't be avoided, but it's all straight forward and it really has a choppy feel. This may be in result of how each sentence has the same structure, being simple sentences and starting all with pronouns. Try to vary the structure a bit, in both size and length, throwing in dependent clauses. It would help smooth that out.

Another thing that I notice in the beginning is we're not really get into a lot of Derek's feelings. This isn't crucial, unlike in first person (which your story isn't, but still). However, it would really help develop more of Derek's character and show us what he's like, such as if he's nervous to see his cousin again or for the ride. Just his inner thoughts and emotions would also help with making the feeling a lot less choppy.

I'm just going to drop this here... It may prove very useful to you. (So I recommend you click that image and read the article.)

Image


Click it yet? Well, anyway, next is something more specific. When Derek first gets his pack, why does he rip the bread in half and give it to a woman? It doesn't make very much sense to me. Wouldn't he need that for his trip? Is that some kind of payment? Is he just trying to be a good person and being all, "Here, have half this bread you made for me." Make that more clear somehow.

The last part with the starting part of Derek's journey seems far too summarized, or too specific in some spots that don't really matter and not specific enough in spots that do matter. Like the start with Derek going into the woods. Well, how far is the woods from the village? What's the village look like, how big? How long did it take to cover the distance? How close is the village to the castle? It's more setting and creating a more sense of time and how fast/slow Derek is moving by actually making us feel the time passing. I really hope this makes sense. Let me know if you want me to explain this a bit more.

Decent chapter though, but it still feels like the exposition here, with no real issue at hand yet. Once again, elements of foreshadowing are great for generating suspense and the want to find out what's going to happen.



Chapter 3

So, the start of this chapter really could emphasize a lot more showing. Show us how the village is in chaos. Show us how the men are intimidating. Just these little elements can really put the reader on the edge of their seat and pull them in with all the action going on.

(Random note, why is the skirmish called a battle? Fight would be more appropriate, since battle is thought of more with hundreds of men pit against each other in mass chaos.)

Speaking of action and fights, to make a fight scene successful you want to really set the scene so that we know where everything is going on in relation to one another. Where is this all happening? What sort of obstacles are there? How far from the woman are the two men and then Derek? Another thing that I noticed was that Derek never actually dismounts his horse, but then he punches and kicks and fights normally, so there's a bit going on that I don't know how it's happening. Just think about how some things would go about in this scene with Derek on the horse.

Another instance with things unimaginable happening was when Derek jumped over Keagan. Uh... horses are normally four to five, maybe even six, feet tall. No human being can actually jump over a horse. (Now rolling under one is totally fine, because their legs are so long.) And if a horse is that tall, how is Derek completely unfazed when he falls off?

Wolf also likes talking about Wolf without pronouns, yes? Because pronouns are not useful to Wolf ever, Wolf thinks. *Sorry, saw the chance and had to take it xD* As just shown, writing without pronouns can become a little redundant and one paragraph specifically does just that, saying Derek over and over or just the prince. So even in a fighting scene, make sure that those are used when necessary (even if there are more than one men, if one man is mentioned, then we'll assume the next 'he' is talking about the man mentioned. After that is when there needs to be a name).

Uh, how come all the bandits had fled by the one battle with the two? There would be bound to be so many more and it didn't seem like there were any other people fighting them around. Perhaps at one point mention this, with others coming into the street worn like they were fighting or something, because as of now it seems like Derek was the only one even trying to fend them all off.

I really enjoyed this part a lot more, even if the fighting scene could use some work. With some actually action happening and something eventful and seeming to advance the plot, it got a lot closer to drawing me in and I am wondering what's to happen next (because I'm writing each portion after reading the chapter.)



Chapter 4

Alright, so at this point I'm a little confused. Has Lucy not seen all the bandits going around? Would she not be worried that he is one? She doesn't seem any fazed by any of this and it's a little confusing. It's just as if the bandits never came and all of it never happened. Even some skepticism would be nice to show that. The event is pretty important.

Alright, Derek is a prince. Yes? So how is nobody recognizing him? I'd think that common people would be able to recognize someone of such high social status, like the prince. Which would also incline more of a reaction, like why in the world is the prince here? What could he want with this simple town? Etc, etc. Think about that.

It's a rather simple chapter, short and sweet and showing the initial reaction of Lucy to her sister finally making contact. Interesting though that Lucy would be so bitter. Sure she hasn't reached out to her in a while, but she's the queen! There are far more important things she has to deal with, like helping her husband rule the kingdom and provide for all their people. So, I feel like Lucy is being a little over dramatic :/



Chapter 5

The very first line. That would be oh so perfect to include since it would really show some more of Sierra's character. What kind of words she uses when she's upset or how she rants. The things she decides to emphasize on in her anger. Why not even just give us a taste of what her rambling would be like? Hooray for character development!

It's also strange that Sierra would ask what her mother would think the moment after Derek finishes saying that her mother wanted nothing to do with it. It's unnecessary and redundant, plus it's making me think, "Is Sierra really that unobservant and not listening?" So just take a look at that.

(When did Derek mount his horse again? o.o Am I just really good at missing things? Or was it added in some crevice between dialogue and it was skipped or just not mentioned?)

Alright, so when John is suddenly introduced at the stand and they duel, there's so much information thrown at us. John's apparently this man who was never beaten before. And then, BAM!, they suddenly fight. No warning, no other comment. Not even a scoff from John who could be thinking that this kid is a lunatic. Perhaps just slow it down a tad bit and set the scene some more before they clash.

Interesting how Lucy comes to save the day! Though, it does make me wonder how she would've known to come in such a hurry and how she had a change of heart so soon. It doesn't even seem like five minutes since Derek left Sierra to convince Lucy to let her go. So perhaps draw out the fight a bit more and maybe have Lucy come at a time later when Derek is about to be defeated or something of the matter (or even the other way around, with John being pinned down).



Chapter 6

Alright, so if Lucy wanted absoutely nothing to do with Derek, how come she cared so much that he wouldn't be able to explain to the guards that he is indeed the prince and come to save him? And why do the guards instantly believe Lucy? Perhaps have her holding the letter and showing it to them as proof. That would make a little more sense as to why they'd back off (but not Lucy's sudden change of heart).

Interesting little heartfelt scene at the end, which is quite enjoyable, showing really how much Lucy cares about Sierra that she's willing to put aside her resentment for her sister for her daughter's sake. Aside from everything else I've mentioned prior (showing and not telling) it's really picking up now, making me want to read on.

Oh, and as I started the next chapter, it seemed like Sierra didn't talk about it at all with her mother. So how did Lucy know that he was going to town? I really doubt she'd be watching for him to ride away, because maybe if she saw Sierra with him she would've ushered her inside before they could properly speak by the way she was acting, so maybe rethink that a little.



Chapter 7

Alright, why would Derek go into the woods in the first place? Sure he may have wanted to give the two some private time, but wouldn't he think that they may assume that he left without her? What reason does he have to go into the woods anyway? And just to progress the plot is not a sufficient reason.

And what a heartfelt ending <3 (To the scene, I assume that this isn't the end of it all. Because there is so much more to know. Maybe Lucy dies. We don't know.) I really did enjoy reading this, but do work on the points I mentioned. I hope this isn't too long xD

Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~

User avatar
WrittenEdge
Review

Hiyah! I am all too excited to review this story for you, it was really good!
I liked how you started the whole thing by telling us the setting, and how you gave us an odd little fact about the place where Derek lives; like the fact that the sun still shines bright throughout the evening. It gives us direct contact with the characters, and where they live. As well as introducing the character, and his social status. Because the main character's sense of royalty plays such a big part throughout the story, it was a good idea to make it evident early on.
Now, let me ramble on for a minute about one of the most important factors when it comes to stories, -well, important to me anyways- your character. Derek seems like a pretty nice guy, and really noble. He even has this little mannerism when he's nervous, where he'll run his hand through his hair. That is pretty evident throughout the entire story, since you have him do it so much. He's a likeable character, but he isn't really relatable. Of course we're not all royalty, nor do we have tons of money, but we do have emotions. I'm not calling him emotionless, at all, but it might help if you do some more show-not-tell when it comes to Derek's reactions.
It seems like you do a lot of explaining, rather than giving hints as to what's going on. Everything is pretty straightforward, which makes it an easy and enjoyable read, but if you wanted to add a little more depth, then I think that's one thing you could try doing.

For instance, when you say,

“Do you think that this will help?” Derek asked. Sierra nodded firmly and poured the fluid on the rag. Derek stared at the rag in her hand as she rolled up his blood soaked sleeve just enough to reveal the wound. Her hand shook as she lifted the rag. As she placed it gently on the cut, Derek yelled out in pain. Sierra winced as he did."

You could try saying something like:
"Do you think this will help?" Derek asked. Sierra nodded firmly and poured the fluid on the rag. Derek stared at the rag I her hand with caution as she rolled up his blood soaked sleeve, but only enough to reveal his wound. He saw her confidence slip, her hand shaking as she lifted the rag. As she placed it gently on the cut, Derek yelled out in pain, his nose scrunched and his eyes tightly shut. Sierra winced as he did, a sympathetic look on her face."
Does that make sense? It's just something that adds a little more depth to the characters, because then you know their reactions, and can infer how they'll react in the future.
I was also kind of confused a time or two, because I felt like the story jumped around a bit between scenes. Although, that could be because my mind isn't focusing on it right... I'm tired, sorry haha! XD
I couldn't find any grammar problems, other than a couple of mistypes, so good job on that! All together, I really enjoyed reading this!

Thanks for the review! I appreciate that you wrote such a long one! I agree, I am not good at showing not telling. I am trying to work on it, but I wanted to make it clear what was going on, ya know? I am definitely going to revise this and use the suggestions you made. Thanks a bunch! do you know which parts seemed a bit jumpy? I want to fix those right away. :) Thanks again!

My pleasure, it really was fun to read! I often have trouble with showing not telling as well, I even scrawl it on almost every draft I have XD
I understand though, I often just write everything down for the sake of having something to work with later. I think one of the only parts that seemed a bit jumpy was when Lucy had denied Derek's arrival, but then not too long after, (at the duel with John), she tells him to come back to the cottage. I was just confused, because I didn't think it was an actual fight, I thought it was just a 'playful like-old-times' duel. I don't know if it was because I read it wrong or something, and if that's the case then feel free to call me out haha!
Again, the pleasure was mine :]



It's crazy how your life can be twisted upside down inside out and around and you can get sushi from safeway still looking like a normal person
— starchild314