First off, this is supposed to be a redo of my other story Crown Prince Derek. This is a chapter to my children's book (I know that it is short, but the goal for children's books is about 8000 words) I wrote this in 3rd person instead of 1st and I am adding in a backstory for the main characters' friendship. Also the town is pronounced like "nothing".
It would be great if you could give me some suggestions on how to improve. :D
Chapter One
It was as if Derek’s father didn’t trust him to be responsible. He could almost understand why. Most boys took risks that proved to be stupid and fatal. But Derek knew that he could do it. Maybe it had something to do with that Derek was twelve, or maybe because he was a prince. He stood up from his desk, where he had been trying to complete some reports his father had wanted him to review. It was late May and the sun was still shining bright, even though it was late. As he walked to the dining room, he looked at the paintings on the walls. His castle had become dull and boring through all the years that he had lived there.
When he entered the private dining room, both of his parents were already seated. Derek’s father, Roland Nixon, and his mother, Arabella, were both seated at the table. His father said nothing as Derek sat down. He only motioned for the food to be brought in from the kitchen. As usual, their private dinner consisted of a platter of meat, some green vegetables, and a goblet of fruit juice. As Derek ate, his mother rested her silverware on the table and turned to him.
“Derek, darling, how was your day?” She asked in her soft voice. She sat up straight as a board. Always proper, Derek thought. He turned to her and smiled.
“It was fine, mother.” He said. He glanced down at his plate of food and his mother looked at him as if she knew he wasn’t being fully honest. “Well, it was lonely, but that isn’t really a big deal…” He looked his mother in the eye and flashed a smile. She nodded at began to eat once again.
Later in the meal she turned to Derek. “I have an idea.” She said to him, “You have a cousin who lives in a small town only 8 miles from here called Nothyng. Her name is Sierra. We could have her come and visit for the summer.” The idea was compelling. He had met Sierra once before when he was six. She had only been two at the time. He wondered if she still had the blonde curls that had framed her face when she was a baby.
“I wouldn’t mind the company.” Derek said. “Maybe I could go and pick her up tomorrow.” Derek’s suggestion didn’t go unnoticed by his father, who rarely spoke to him. Roland stood up and walked over to his son.
“I don’t think that is such a wise idea, my boy.” Roland’s voice naturally boomed in the large room. It was a gentle command, but it was far from quiet. He placed his hand on Derek’s shoulder.
“It wouldn’t be a big deal, father. Mother could write me a note and I could give it to her sister.” Derek suggested, gesturing to his mother. Arabella nodded. She stood up quickly.
“Then it is decided. Tomorrow morning Derek will go to Nothyng and get Sierra.” She walked from the room, only pausing to place a kiss on Roland’s cheek. Derek shrugged as his gaze met his father’s. A smile formed once he left the dining room. He practically ran to his mother’s study, where she was sealing the letter with wax.
“Do you think you will be able to get to Nothyng by sundown tomorrow?” Arabella asked. Derek leaned on his mother’s desk.
“It won’t be a problem.” He said as he grabbed the letter from his mother’s hand. As he made his way down the corridor he stopped a servant headed towards the kitchen. “Would you make sure that extra deer jerky is placed in my pack for tomorrow?” He asked her politely. She nodded and scurried away worried she would be punished for talking to the prince.
Derek walked to the security of his room. The reports were still sitting on his desk, practically begging to be finished. He sat down at the desk to finish them, but soon fell asleep, his head resting on the reports.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Heya! Gravity here for a review!
This sentence reads a bit awkwardly. try saying "later in the day" or even give us the time.
This sentence implies that Derek saw Sierra after she was a baby and was imploring about when she was an infant. Try making it: "He wondered if she had blonde curls that framed her face, just like when she was a baby."
Okay, this part doesn't make much sense to me. Derek would send notice of picking up Sierra beforehand because people don't just travel entire days to places to pick up people who don't know they're coming. Also, the King says he doesn't think it's a wise idea and then suddenly agrees without much transition (like without him pondering the matter or someone actually explaining the benefits to him). For a King, he so far just seems like a pushover to me.
Also, when Derek's mother says that Sierra lives in "A town called nothyng" it implies that he hasn't heard of the town. So for one day's travel that seems a little odd, especially since Derek is so sure that's how long it will take for him to get there. Also, why would they give a note to Sierra's sister when they picked her up instead of her mother who, by the way, would be the sister of either the King or the Queen.
So overall this chapter was eh. It was way too short, it's literally made up of one scene. Chapters should be longer and as it is a chapter, should probably be taken out of the "short story" section and put into "novel/chapter".
So yeah. Like I said, you have a good structure here but it needs more.
XOXO,
Gravity
Thanks for the input. I know the king seems weak, but he's not a main character so I don't think it matters. Also, in the time period the story takes place in, sometimes people would just go and pick up their relatives. If someone was sick, or struggling, their family would take their kids. It was just something they did back then. Also, he probably has heard of Nothyng, but he's a twelve year old. It seems like it wouldn't be a big deal to travel there, but eight miles was a long ways back in the day. It takes about five hours to walk that far. Add in breaks and finding the house, it was about seven hours.
Thanks for the input though!
Hello there!
With that in mind--while I didn't find any grammar/spelling nitpicks--I would like to giev you a bit of advice.
When writing for a specific timeline, it's best to adapt to their 'language'; I used to have a big problem with this. Basically, you have to take average, modern terms like 'not a big deal' (that particular line caught my eye) and transform them so that they sound more natural in the timeline you're using. Some things I do to get in the proper mind-set for writing these kinds of things is 1. Read a book where this language is used well, 2. Look up alternate words and slang from that particular timeline to use and 3. Look up customs. The last one seems strange, but if you know what your describing, how it works, and what it looks like, it tends to make your writing more genuine.
I really hope you continue with this! It looks like a great start, and considering you mentioned that you plan on adding character backgrounds and other detailing to it, I'm sure it will end up looking great. Let me know if you revise it or post another piece to it; I'd love to see how it turns out! Keep writing, and good luck!! 
Were I to be perfectly honest, I would say that I originally thought you had misspelled 'Nothing' in your title. xD Once I figured out that it was just a creatively altered name for a city, I thought that was pretty clever, so kudos to you!
Okay... so I don't believe in reviewing anything 'harshly', no matter the content. I don't think it really does anything but put writers down; it's much better to be supportive than cruel
This seems like a medieval story... sort of set-back on the timeline, when there was more royalty and mannerisms described here present. If I'm wrong, please correct me
Anyways...
For some reason, when I first read this chapter, my mind did something a little strange with this line: "He could almost understand why. Most boys took risks that proved to be stupid and fatal."
I basically read it like this unintentionally: "He could almost understand why; most boys took risks that proved to be foolish and fatal." The foolish bit is probably because I've been reading too much Victorian steampunk, and it fit the setting I had formed in my mind. I figured I'd mention it anyways :3 The semicolon, however, makes this sentence work a bit better, and eases 'choppiness', and also adds variety to sentence structure. My writing teacher in elementary school used to drill that into my head: use varying sentence structure!! xD It helps keep the attention of readers, shockingly.
That was about it!
I haven't read your first version but since this is a rewrite with more details I will follow this and wait on your next chapters. This seemed interesting start but felt a little short, even to be a short story. Just my opinion but I think it could be better if it wasn't as short. Not my call of course, but I really think it was way to short. I liked it but I think it could also be a lot better.
Thanks! It's nice to know that the first chapter was at least a little interesting. I agree that it was short, and I am planning on making it longer. Once I write the rest of it I will probably go back and make it longer because my final goal is about 8,000 to 10,000 words.
I liked it a lot and although I think it is a little to short it could work if all chapters were short though I doubt anyone would do that. But I still thought it was really good. I'm looking forward to all of the other chapters. Didn't mean to sound like I was only somewhat interested but likely to write it off as average if that's how it seemed.