Young Writers Society

Hey Marm!

First let me start with a little note: I love short poetry, the shorter the better. It's like five lines of punch-to-the-face and I just, yes. Yes, short poetry is so powerful when done right which isn't often.

That being said, I'm liking this much better than your last piece (not of course saying your last piece wasn't good!).

Just a few notes:

I am notorious for this in my own poetry so criticizing it is like, the worst? But your first line hints at a promise. "I am more/I am made of more" is so upfront and so demanding (which I love). However, there's a part of me that wants to know. Whats to see what you mean by saying you are more. Like why are you more than a crackling blaze? Though it defeats the idea of short poetry, I definitely want to see more of that thought. More of that demanding tone.

Loving the tone variation through italics though I'm still a little stunted on their meaning. I'm totally jiving with the mood, however. I love angry poetry.

There's some definite growth here.

DW

Hey marmalade,

I quite like your poem! I like how you use metaphors and imaginary to express your idea, instead of just being like:

"I am more than compulsive,
and you always tell me that I am,
but then why do you keep
provoking me?"

Not that it would be wrong to write it like that, it's just...not as interesting and as unique as yours

I do have a suggestion though. Do you maybe want to try to add a comma at the end of line 2 and 3? Why I'm saying this is because you have a comma at the end of the first line, but not after the other ones, so you pronounce the end of those 2 lines different than the end of line 1. It would make it smoother, I think. Ok, that sounded super confusing. Just try it out and put two commas at the end of line 2 and 3, and see how it works out. (I don't think you would need a comma at end of line 4, because it is italicized and reads different anyway) If you don't like it, then just put your poem back to how it was Also...do you want to try to add a "that" between the promise and the i? So: "and if you promise that I am" I was expecting the: "that" and it not being there created like a bump. Just try out, and again, if you don't like it, that's fine!

So: Awesome poem, I like it, and maybe you could try these two things out, and see how it works

Hi marmalade! Niteowl here leaving a quick review.

Overall, I like this. I think it has some strong imagery and a powerful message.

However, I also got hung up on the missing "if" in the third line. I think it's primarily because of the use of "then" in the fourth line. At least in my mind, that sets up an expectation of an "if-then" statement, so not having the "if" in the previous line makes it more awkward to read. I wonder if the lack of punctuation is also contributing to this feeling.

My suggestion: Split this into two sentences and add some punctuation. I'll add my edits and then try to explain them.

i am made of more than just fire,
more than a crackling blaze.
and you promise i am
then so why do you keep throwing
wood into the flame?

God, I love throat-cut poetry.

This is gonna be short, but I think effective in helping make this even denser and still edible, like a very spicy fudge. So listen and know I mean well:

you do not need most of line two.

"i want to believe / i am more than a crackling blaze"

thus removing the blatancy and redundancy from the small space you've provided. Below that, there's a syntactical advantage you can hone in on:

"and if you promise i am / then why do you keep throwing / wood into the flame?"

Which in its final form is delicious and wonderful and quite publishable, either as standalone or perhaps an interim page-turner for a median. Hands-down your best work yet, marms.

Keep it up.
Ty

THIS POEM IS FIRE. AND MORE THAN THAT.