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139,369 Literary Works • 672,541 Reviews
Um.. I dont know what to say.. I can really relate to this.. I believe I'm not the only one though.. I really loved it!
Thank you!
Oh my! I loved this poem. I've been going through the same pain, so it was so relatable!
Thank you!
Hey there, friend.
Just a few notes of interest;
I'm digging the use of colour here. It's clear you're trying out new ways of expression which is super cool and a great way to break into one of the most precarious mediums of writing. It's evident within the first few stanzas just how much you want to grasp those feelings and wrangle them into submission so I can absolutely dig that sense of conviction too.
Your first stanza is arguably the best out of the bunch; you're not trying too hard to convey that sense of loneliness and heartbreak which makes it more poignant. The first stanza could potentially stand to be a poem on its own.
The second stanza is where things start to turn a bit, poetically speaking. You're not so much letting the colours speak for you, but the emotion itself, which is when you start falling into cliches. Don't get me wrong, cliches can be a powerful tool. In fact, some of the best poetry is when a cliche is stripped apart and used differently, uniquely. So don't fear cliches; embrace them. That being said, you started moving into said cliches and they pretty much took over throughout this stanza. Consider zoning in on one of said cliches, like the faded memories for instance. Expand on it. Let it consume the stanza. Discuss the ways that memories don't linger only in the things that hurt, but the things that don't, colouring them. Tell me about the way the scuffs in your coffee table are like a sieve for those memories. Maybe the piles on laundry on your floor. The pain is already there. There's an ache in everything. Let those inconsequential things be consequential.
Continuing, you have a lot of really heavy lines followed by lines that don't really match up, if that makes any sense? For instance, the first two lines in your third stanza you bounce from one very poignant image of haunted playgrounds to this raging battle inside of you and though both are very intense ideas, they don't mesh well as a whole. It's two incomplete clauses, if you will. You go back to that playground eventually but it doesn't feel like the playground weaved its way through the stanza itself.
I definitely dig the italics. Theres something really raw within them that simply stating your feelings doesn't do full justice. I found myself drawn to the italics over and over.
This is an interesting bit of writing you've got here, friend. Polish it.
~ Walker
Thanks for the review. I'm actually happy with my poem so I probably won't be changing much. I don't agree with many of the points you made but that's fine.
eh, you don't have to! criticism is only useful when you're looking for it after all, so no worries.
The poem is a true story about my feelings for the past couple of months(?). I took a break from poetry and well now I'm back. I'm proud I at least wrote a poem.
absolutely! and there is plenty to be proud of here. if I've offended in any way thats not at all my intentions, so please don't think I didn't like your piece. I especially know the feeling of trying to get back into poetry after having been away from it.
No I'm not offended lol (I used to get really upset at reviews with my poetry but I've done a lot of self reflecting. I've realized that not all criticism is "right"). I genuinely thank you for the review. It was a really good one and I don't get many good reviews.
Now that was an awesome piece of art...Its admirable and one can at some point identify with it
Thank you
Hi Marmalade.. Sweet user name by the way.. Anyways so this is what I felt after reading the poem..
First of all, it is a very nice piece in itself.. It doesn't need any extra ornamentation.. Or maybe I am writing this because I love simplicity..
Secondly, I think the scheme and meter of the poem could have been a bit more clear..
Thirdly, the content is awesome.. It truly speaks out all those feelings and memories attached with the poem..
Fourthly, I love the use of questioning.. It is not in a pattern but it does not even have to be.. It's beautiful as it is..
Lastly, the second last line could have been - "thousand lives ago"...
I wish to read more of your work soon.. Thank You
Thanks for this review. "Secondly, I think the scheme and meter of the poem could have been a bit more clear.." it's a free verse. Also "thousands of lives ago" is correct.
Hello everyone! LadyRanicorn here for another amazing review!! Now, I haven't done a review in a VERY long time so forgive me if it's a little rusty! ^-^ I really enjoyed the feeling of the poem, just by reading the first two stanzas that it was going to be a very emotional poem and it did not disappoint! I like how you added in the mother to help the reader along the lost memories of the narrator. I also enjoyed how you added things such as "you could be a rotten apple in the tree of friendship." it really helped me get a visual of what the narrator thought of the friend. It's obvious that she/he trusted their friend, but never realized that they were using her/him to do something. I liked how you portrayed this attitude throughout the poem, and the words you used for it. One thing that I didn't like was "it feels like thousand of lives ago." because I feel like it disrupts the flow of the poem. That is it for the review, I hope it was good, and I'm sorry if it wasn't. Without further ado, until next time, LadyRanicorn out!
Thanks!
Your welcome! ^-^