cryst♡llize

Woooaaah this is super good and makes so much sense to me which excites me because I get frustrated when I can't make sense of the analogies in poetry.
Good job, your words rock, keep writing and being awesome!

Marm!

Repetition called me to tell me it is enjoying this poem <3 xD. As a tool, it is used here liberally and I think to great effect in some places and not so good in others, so let's talk about that!

Notable uses of it show up near the end where we have the "my own good / too good...to be good / good enough, wow! What a lovely dance of intricate play on the meanings but also the meter and beat of the word 'good' which is delightful to read, but interesting too because they switch tones, don't they? The speaker seems conflicted with her own meaning of good, of being too good, of being not good enough. And I like the hypocrisy. She's compared to that most candied, syrupy sweetness of good, and we can see her conflicts. Candy is tasty good, intoxicating and addicting even, I get the sense, this being a love poem that the speaker's intoxicated too, but this is a love she forbids herself from and we know too much of a good thing can be rotten.

The "whose soul is not mine / who'll never understand" line is most telling of this conflict and maybe even darkness and "not-so-sweet" aspect of the speaker. It is probably my favorite part of the poem in how honest and raw the speaker gets, I'd enjoy more juxtaposition in your edits. Crystallization is something cold and frozen and the yearning for this process for one's own heart is darker than the pink-syrupy-sweet lines first suggest. This is cool!-develop that! Conflict is interesting.

I also agree with Lumi in regards to the "drowning in my mind" lines, I think you can cut it. Or at least, edit it with scenes rather than an exaggerated telling. Perhaps describe the sensation of sticky syrup clogging the speaker's lungs-- much more visceral but with less of the emotive telling. I would also suggest cutting the line directly under it "craving you ...can't crave enough" for the same reasons (too telling) but also because it's already implied in your beginning lines. Say it once, say it right c: so one example of repeated craves that does not suit. Let's go back to the use of repetition, because it's not just good and cravings that are repeated here, but breathing and crystallizing.

Cravings are always repeated actions. If a person craves someone, they will crave them the second time, the third time until something changes. So don't mind the repated use of the word "crave/cravings" but perhaps try to bring in a different idea/suggestion with those lines and the idea of intoxication rather than repeating the same ideas?

Now the breathing repeats. Breathing, I like. We breathe continuously in endless repeats. I am fine with this repetition because it copies the action, that helps your imagery and it plays on your meter too. Crystallizing not so much. Why the repeat here, when you can delve right in? Sweet gets repeated too. "Melt me sweet" is lovely. But "sweet syrup" is superfluous. Syrup implies sweetness by definition. Tell me about boyish syrup. Prince charming syrup. Tell me what syrup is not. Not what it already is.

Overall, I say the perfect poetic treat for a quick read whilst enjoying pancakes. But give it another dynamic besides the overloading sweetness. Play more on the narrator's doubts, syrup is also sticky and thick besides sweet. Maybe play on those aspects? Or on the cold and darkness that comes with crystallizing. I hope this helps!

~ Audy

Let's be real! This poem's name is Candy Crush and I couldn't resist, I'm so sorry. xD I wouldn't wish that title on anyone. Jumping right into things!

"i'm drowning but i still can't find the tears to cry" is overwrought overwrought overwrought Needed to be noted heavily.

To analytical notes:

Candy. The process of making it is molten, sticky, dangerous, precise, chemical, something that's been referred to in literature as the god science, something that chefs opt out of i their culinar electives Yet the narrator wants to undergo this horrible forging process to be made into a ♥ shaped candy, which means she also undergoes a cooling and molding process.

The breath does this and forges her into sweet syrup from her sharp edges--and we can look at this from a personality angle as well because all through your poetry you write about people/women with sharp edges who are complex characters.

You further contrast this by the introduction of the saccharine syrup boy who, for all intents and purposes, carries a one-dimensional presence through the piece that doesn't really do much for me, just like the narrator or the You.

I like the final stanza's spin on the idea that too much sweet can be a bad thing because I totally feel that. It takes balance, and that's what I took out of the piece ultimately: the need for balance. Because she was too sharp for her own good, too good in her mind to be good enough for the bubblegum boy, and so because of that imbalance she won't have what makes her happy.

Your flow is give or take here and there. I think the sentence structures didn't lend themselves to much malleability and so the flow suffered. If you go through and edit, I would try and restructure: grab some butterscotch candy, some soda, and really just chill out with this piece. I think you'll be happy.

All the best. Chat me up!
Ty