We are the same/ something changed
A shadow falls, it lights up your face
Lovers play recklessly in cold embrace
We could not predict or foretell
The fires burning, burned from hell.
We are the same yet we feel a change
Deadly normal but still it’s strange
When you stare I feel a chill
A dark feeling when all is still.
We are the same yet something’s dead
White sheets red, crumpled on our bed
Love is but a shot gun smile
Just an old dream, begging to stay a while.
Test your love by how far you’ll go
Understand the opposite of no
If you’re too weak to carry the burden
You will find me dead in your garden.
You have been warned.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
Hello there! I'm Ktg and I'll be reviewing your piece today.
Wow. This was really really good. It flowed really good and it was just all around lovely. I especially liked the last two lines in the third stanza. And the very last line was defintely a nice way to end XD
Keep on writing lovely poems like this!
~Ktg
Wow, this was different.
I really liked this poem and I found nothing wrong with it. The flow was pretty good and all grammar was great.
I think you could definitely put this into the Dramatic Poetry section, though - ok?
The last lines were really great, so congrats on those - I really liked them
Keep writing,
Alzora
Hello there. :3
i really liked this poem. it had a good flow and rhyme, it went off a few places but a little of can be ignored if he content is good enough. It had a few very good imagery to it, like the ones about the bed sheet.
Nitpicks:
This is a good starting stanza to your poem. The rhythm and flow of it is quite impressive. But as the previous reviewer said, I didn’t like the contrast in the first line. It was very innovative to use shadow and light in the same context but it just did not go well with me. And then in the last line, I couldn’t get what you wanted to say. Using burning and burned, side by side. What was the meaning to that?
Loved the imagery over here.
The second line did not make any sense. What did you wanted to say? Was it something about “yes”, as it is the opposite of no. I see you tried to rhyme burden with garden. They both end with “den” but they do not rhyme. Not even slightly.
Use a bit more punctuations in between the lines to make the reader know where to pause and where to stop. That keeps the flow of the poem intact. Other than that the poem was really looked. I liked it.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.
I liked this poem!! It flowed nicely and had an eerie and striking feel to it.
I was intrigued by it and would have loved to read more.
None of the rhymes seemed forced.
As other people have already noted you
could add/ fix some things to improve your poem
Over all I enjoyed it very much!!!
First of all, I'd like to tell you that I enjoyed reading this. Here are just some of my suggestions, feel free to ignore the as well, cause your poem is good anyway.
Oh, and some tiny punctuation corrections.
And the ending a little rough, but I guess this was how it was intended to be. ^^ Overall, good poem and nice rhyme.
We are the same/ something changed
A shadow falls, it lights up your face
Lovers play recklessly in cold embrace
We could not predict or foretell
The fires burning, burned from hell.
I didnt like the contrast in the first line, not all-together relatable, and the rhythm was a tiny bit off, but good first stanza.
We are the same yet we feel a change
Deadly normal but still it’s strange
When you stare I feel a chill
A dark feeling when all is still.
Very much liked this part, I even felt the chill down my spine when I read this.
We are the same yet something’s dead
White sheets red, crumpled on our bed
Love is but a shot gun smile
Just an old dream, begging to stay a while.
Maybe add a comma between same and yet, it would help the flow.
Test your love by how far you’ll go
Understand the opposite of no
If you’re too weak to carry the burden
You will find me dead in your garden.
An 'iffy' ending to the poem, and I couldnt really agree with the slant rhyme at the end of the stanza.
Good poem, I liked reading it, with a little revision it could be great. 8/10
You have been warned.
I really liked this poem! It had a spooky feel to it, that really drew me in. I also personally love rhyming poems, and thought your rhymes were nice and didn't seem to forced. The only line that I thought was kind of iffy was:
The second line didn't flow as smoothly as the rest of the poem. I think you just have to make it a little bit longer, or rephrase the line a bit.I also think you should add commas in here:
I just found myself pausing as I was reading it, so I would add commas in those two places, but it is completely up to you.
I think you have a lovely poem here! There was some really great imagery in here as well. My only suggestion is to fix up the flow a bit, because there were a few places I tripped over the words. However, that could just be my brain not fully awake yet :p
ahahah anyways great work